Grappling with Sexual and Relational Ambiguity
I remember when my husband and I were a young married couple, and struggling with some differences. I was sure that if someone could give us the “right” answer we could work through the problem. Decades later, I’ve come to accept that marriage is intended to create ambiguity. When two people are joined in marriage, they will necessarily have differences. Instead of being too concerned about how many differences we have or how we “get on the same page” or “become more alike,” or even finding the “right” answer, it may be healthier to think about what we learn from working through differences. To see our differences as an opportunity to build relationship skills, we can ask ourselves: How am I developing/growing/maturing by seeing my partner’s perspective, slowing down my need to “be right,” to “be understood,” or to “defend my perspective” so I can be more reflective and curious about the process?
I love the idea presented by Pastor Gary Thomas who asks: What if the purpose of marriage is not to make me happy, but to make me holy?[i] It might be a struggle to grab hold of the idea that marriage isn’t about our self-centered needs but instead about higher order skills—patience, devotion, forgiveness, commitment, gratitude. Marriage is a challenge, which is why divorce rates are high. At times divorce is necessary, but often it could be avoided.
Marriage is a challenge because it begins the process of developing skills not previously required. It forces us to work on things like figuring out a budget or negotiating how often we have sex. These higher-order skills were more optional as single people, but in marriage these skills are mandatory. Forgiveness is sometimes a daily exercise. Patience is tried as your traditions and habits bump into your partner’s traditions and habits. Complex coordination of schedules, wants, and priorities takes real effort. Hopefully this process is fun as well as demanding. But even for the most gracious couples, fatigue sets in at times and your skills are tested.
The Joy of Grappling with Ambiguity
If you let go of the notion of “happily ever after” and instead embrace a growth mindset, you won’t resist the process of development within your relationship. However, if you thought that marriage was the finish line and once you cross it you just enjoy life, you are less likely to work at understanding your spouse and finding solutions that make a stronger connection. If you think there is a “one right way,” you set yourself up for unnecessary struggle. Coming together requires that each partner lets go of old ways and creates a new life as a unit. Exactly what that new life looks like is revealed as the couple works together to let that unfold.
Take for example a couple in which the wife is a bit of a perfectionist and the husband is a bit of a slob. At first, he admired her order and efficiency and she admired how spontaneous and free spirited he was. But eventually these qualities became irritants, and the wife began to criticize, and the husband began to pull away. Without each person understanding the need to confront this process of growth, this couple would be headed for a downward spiral that ends in divorce–or at least disharmony. Instead, growth requires the wife to confront her irritation with his lack of order and to talk about ways she can be more tolerant, as well as ways he could recognize the need for some routine and tidiness. Growth in this scenario might require the husband to confront his tendency to avoid and instead to push himself to engage in the practice of finding solutions, not avoiding problems. Only a long-term, committed relationship will provide this type of environment that pushes individuals to cultivate these higher-order skills.
Embrace the Conflict as an Opportunity for Intimacy
As you move through this process of higher-order skill development, you open up a part of yourself that you didn’t previously have access to. You couldn’t have known these parts of your nature until they emerged through this process of living with another person in a deeply intimate way. This intimacy allows you to share areas of your personality normally hidden from acquaintances, family, or even close friends.
After some time in a relationship, we realize that we can love someone intensely and be profoundly irritated by them. Struggling with your beloved in a way that leads to better understanding creates more connection, more devotion, more love. We create more love as we repeatedly engage in this process because we move into deeper and deeper levels of knowledge about our partner and ourselves. Embrace marriage’s challenge to develop higher-level skills. Approach differences and the conflict that results from them as a gift that will move you and your spouse into deeper waters of emotional closeness. Authentically reveal your struggle and invite your partner to do the same.
No one wants to get in bed with someone who has been thoughtless or demanding, critical or dismissive. How you treat your spouse in your daily interactions impacts sexual desire and feelings of attraction. Notice how your desire is a relational barometer that indicates the health of the relationship and try to quickly repair negative exchanges so that they don’t contaminate the sexual relationship as well.
Seven Ways to Embrace Higher-Level Skills
Here are a few suggestions to start your process of growth. Choose one or two of these that you feel like you need to work on:
- Keep a journal that tracks what you are working on in the relationship. Take time to reflect on the progress you’ve made.
- Self-soothe during periods of conflict. Comfort yourself by acknowledging this is a process and growth will benefit you individually and your relationship.
- Acknowledge you part in misunderstandings and the conflict. Quickly admit where you need to improve and make a plan to hold yourself accountable.
- Sit in the discomfort with mindfulness. Relax your mind and body with a few deep breaths. Notice feelings and be curious about why you feel how you do.
- Express gratitude to yourself and your partner for being willing to do the work of these higher-order skills.
- Celebrate successes. When things go right, notice and revel in the small moments of real satisfaction.
- Relax and take a step back to see if the conflict requires a refresh perspective. Seek counseling if needed.
[i] Thomas, G. (2015). Sacred Marriage. https://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Marriage-What-Designed-Happy/dp/0310337372