Research is pretty clear that sex is best within a committed, loving relationship—generally a marriage.[i] However, society, media, and other influences promote the idea that sex is best or most frequent in casual relationships. This is just misinformation. Research shows that the vast majority of men and women want one partner they can create a meaningful connection with[ii] and another study showed people who reported having only one partner in the last year reported the highest level of happiness.[iii]
Simply said, people want a person they can invest in, be seen and known by, and to create a reliable and secure relationship in good and bad times. Here are five reasons for commitment and five reasons for sanctification and why they add up to a powerful relationship:
5 Reasons for Commitment:
- Emotional connection: Committed relationships provide space to create a deeper emotional connection and understanding of your partner and yourself. This emotional bond makes sex more intimate, meaningful, and ultimately helps your body function better.[iv]
- Trust: When partners are committed to each other, there is a higher level of trust. This can lead to greater sexual exploration and experimentation, as partners feel more comfortable trying new things and expressing their desires.
- Communication: Great communication is essential in any intimate relationship. Committed partners are more likely to open up and say what they really feel, even when it’s tender emotion, hard realities, or passionate desires. This kind of transparent communication leads to a better understanding of needs, concerns, and sexual preferences. Ultimately, being this open helps a couple please each other in every area including in the bedroom.
- Consistency: Consistency sounds so boring, but we know that consistency leads to momentum.[v] Committed couples know there is grace in the relationship when they mess up. Because of this safety and security, they are able to repair and get better at seeing and knowing one another. Consistency helps improve the sex interaction as well. Taking time to know what you like and what your partner likes requires practice. Committed couples get more opportunity to practice being a better lover, a better listener, and a better friend. Partners become attuned to each other’s sexual needs and desires, which, of course, creates a more satisfying sexual experience.
- Mindfulness: In committed relationships couples may take the process slower because there is no time stamp on the relationship. Slow sex creates deeper emotional connection and greater intimacy,[vi] which links to greater pleasure.[vii] Taking sex slow allows partners to explore each other’s bodies and discuss what feels good. Committed couples also reduced pressure to perform or orgasm quickly, which means less anxiety.[viii]
Couples can’t create consistency and security in an ever-changing or casual relationship.[ix] To really share your body with another person and feel the pleasure sex is intended to bring, you need to know their likes, fears, dreams, and struggles. There needs to be a sense of trust, and this can take time and reassurance in the relationship. The best sex occurs when a foundation of security exists so that each partner feels empowered to take some risks or share vulnerable emotion.
How is sanctified sex different than committed sex and why does it matter?
Although committed sex often occurs within a marriage or other long-term relationship, sanctified sex is an attitude toward your sexuality. Sanctified sex is seeing your sexual expression as endorsed or approved of by a higher power or God.
Viewing sex as holy or sacred within either a religious or spiritual belief system is powerful for several reasons. Sanctified sex is not just a physical act, but a spiritual sharing of bodies that can creates a deeper connection to one another and to a higher power. In some religious traditions, sanctified sex is seen to strengthen the bond within a blessed union and this union is seen as a gift from a higher power.[x]
5 Reasons for Sexual Sanctification:
- Emotional connection: Couples who view sex as sanctified see sex as more than just a physical act. Their union has purpose beyond physical pleasure. They are working to create unity—emotionally and relationally as well as physically. This effort likely leads to a deeper emotional connection and a greater sense of intimacy.
- Shared values: Partners who share belief systems, particularly this one of sanctified sex, may have more agreement in how to approach other areas of their relationship. They may have a better understanding and respect for each other’s life goals and values. In sexuality, this can create common language and attitudes toward sex.
- Sense of purpose: When couples view sex is a sacred act, partners share a sense of purpose and meaning. Shared purpose may encourage couples to work more on behalf of the relationships and make their partner’s needs and desires a priority. Sanctified sex creates a greater sense of connection to one another as well as to a higher power.
- Enhanced commitment: Couples with sanctified sexual perspectives view sex as a way to strengthen their commitment to each other as well as to a higher power. Each partner’s efforts have a double impact—they are working for the good of the relationship, but also working to treat their partner as God or a higher power would encourage.
- Additional support: Couples who view their relationship as sanctified draw on additional help from the Divine. On days where they feel distance between them, they can rely on prayer, an eternal perspective (today is just a moment and things can change and get better), and they understand that struggle in marriage can help them draw closer to God and develop as an individual.
Commitment and sanctification create a strong foundation for relationships. ‘No strings attached’ relationships don’t establish the grounding and anchor that commitment provides. When couples supplement commitment with the perspective that God is also involved and wants to bless the relationship, couples experience additional grit and resiliency to the couple. Commitment and sanctification likely work hand in hand, each informing the other to create a more intensive and intimate sexual relationship.
[ii] Wiederman, Michael W. “Gender differences in sexuality: Perceptions, myths, and realities.” The Family Journal 9.4 (2001): 468-471.
[iii] https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-many-people-should-you-sleep-with-this-year
[iv] Leavitt, C. E., Maurer, T. F., Clyde, T. L., Clarke, R. W., Busby, D. M., Yorgason, J. B., … & James, S. (2021). Linking sexual mindfulness to mixed-sex couples’ relational flourishing, sexual harmony, and orgasm. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(6), 2589-2602.
[v] https://www.thebusybeck.com/the-power-of-consistency-why-consistency-is-better-than-motivation-alone/#:~:text=The%20reason%20is%20simple%3A%20consistency,key%20to%20making%20lasting%20change.
[vi] Leavitt, C. E., Whiting, J. B., & Hawkins, A. J. (2021). The sexual mindfulness project: An initial presentation of the sexual and relational associations of sexual mindfulness. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 20(1), 32-49.
[vii] Leavitt, C. E., Allsop, D. B., Gurr, J., Fawcett, E., Boden, J., Driggs, S., & Hawkins, A. J. (2021). A couples’ relationship education intervention examining sexual mindfulness and trait mindfulness. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 1-13.
[viii] Leavitt, C. E., Whiting, J. B., & Hawkins, A. J. (2021). The sexual mindfulness project: An initial presentation of the sexual and relational associations of sexual mindfulness. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 20(1), 32-49.
[x] Hernandez, K. M., Mahoney, A., & Pargament, K. I. (2011). Sanctification of sexuality: Implications for newlyweds’ marital and sexual quality. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(5), 775-785.