Harmony in Sexual Connections: Start with Sexual Mindfulness

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “We are always getting ready to live but never living.”

This sentiment is even more true today than it was in Emerson’s time. Today we have  so many demands on our resources and relationships that it can be hard to slow down our thoughts and live in the moment. A recent Harvard report suggested that we signal to others how busy we are to indicate our own importance.[i] It may be that we adopted an “I’m so busy” attitude without much thought.

One remedy to a frantic life is mindfulness. An overwhelmingly shows that if we slow down for just 10 minutes a day and use less judgment and more curious and acceptance, we can reduce stress and improve well-being.[ii]

The Benefits of Sexual Mindfulness

In romantic relationships, there’s a particular need for sexual mindfulness—or being mindful during a sexual experience. Recent research, from myself and my colleagues, links mindfulness to more consistent orgasm, a sense of harmony in sexual interactions, and a feeling like the relationship was flourishing instead of floundering. What was particularly notable about this research was that an individual’s sexual mindfulness affected their partner’s wellbeing in addition to their own. Men who slowed down their own arousal and were connected to their body and emotions had partners who reported more orgasm consistency and feelings of creativity and connection within their sexual and romantic relationship. The same finding was true of women’s presence and awareness. That’s remarkable! Slowing down your own thoughts, emotions, and arousal may help your own and your partner’s sexual functioning as well as the tone of the sexual experience.

What this research tells us is that a great sexual relationship is not just about amping up the intensity of arousal  (like so many magazine covers suggest)—instead it’s allowing space and time to process and notice the details of our sexual interactions. Can we share a lingering look with our partner? Are we comfortable acknowledging the vulnerability we feel and the scary nature of standing before our partner naked? Can we be emotionally naked as well as physically naked? If we can answer “yes,” then we are headed toward deep intimacy which WILL create connection and meaning.

Are You Comfortable Being Emotionally Naked?

One of the first steps couples can take to develop more sexual mindfulness is to acknowledge the need to undress emotionally before undressing physically. Emotional tenderness and connection are prerequisites for positive sexual meaning. That may require some restraint of sexual motivation to ensure that we know our partner’s state of mind and emotional temperature. All too often we get carried away by the levels of our hormones and think we must act on our desire. But careful lovers take a breath and check in with their own emotions as well as those of their partner’s. When we pause and evaluate the feelings and thoughts of our partner and our self, we anchor sex in an environment of shared experience, emotion, and meaning.

Next time you desire sex, pause. Take a long mindful look at your partner and notice their face. Are they stressed, disconnected, or relaxed? Think about their core attributes. Are they a giving spouse, generous with their time and affection? What sacrifices have they made for your relationship and personal development? When you approach your partner to initiate sex (and research indicates initiation is a wonderful message to give[iii]), anchor your invitation in the realization that being emotionally and physically intimate with them brings purpose and meaning to your life. You are fortunate to share this connection with them. You trust them to treat your emotional and physical vulnerability with compassion.

The findings of our recent research are hopeful for a number of reasons. If your relationship has gotten stuck in a pattern of mindless sex, or wondering when sex will finally get better, or feels bogged down in monotony or missed connections, the answer may be simple and within your reach.

SLOW DOWN.
BREATH.
PAUSE TO NOTICE DETAILS THAT HAVE ESCAPED YOU.

Take a walk and share some neglected emotion. See your body anew and see your partner anew. Instead of criticism for your body, mindfully appreciate your health or your strength. Kindly evaluate how you can create a more accepting, mindful and intentional relationship. Discover something new about yourself by dismissing doubt and encouraging empathy. If you are tempted to think these thought activities seem too easy to make any real difference, realize the research tells us they do. Applied over time, these small changes create better communication, sexual meaning, and emotional connection[iv].

Take the first step toward sexual mindfulness and breath. Relax. You are enough. In fact, you are complete in this moment. As you practice being kind to yourself, taking a more accepting attitude toward your relationship, and slowing down your arousal to contemplate the details of the moment, you, too, will experience more harmony and creativity in your sexual connections.

[i] https://hbr.org/2016/12/research-why-americans-are-so-impressed-by-busyness

[ii] Edwards, M. K., Rosenbaum, S., & Loprinzi, P. D. (2018). Differential experimental effects of a short bout of walking, meditation, or combination of walking and meditation on state anxiety among young adults. American Journal of Health Promotion, 32(4), 949-958.

[iii] Leavitt, C. E., & Willoughby, B. J. (2015). Associations between attempts at physical intimacy and relational outcomes among cohabiting and married couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(2), 241-262.

[iv] Leavitt, C. E., Whiting, J. B., & Hawkins, A. J. (2020). The Sexual Mindfulness Project: An Initial Presentation of the Sexual and Relational Associations of Sexual Mindfulness. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 1-17.