“Stop should-ing all over yourself!”
The class was shocked. Did our teacher just say that? (If it doesn’t sound strange to you, try saying it out loud!) My then-fiancé and I sat in our marriage preparation class, snickering. Our teacher yelled it again and the class went silent. Our teacher cautioned us against feeling pressured to have obligatory sex and we felt the weight of what she told us. This phrase has rung in my ears ever since.
The word “should” can bring expectations into the bedroom that can challenge an already sensitive aspect of a relationship. It can alter sex from something pleasurable and relationship strengthening to something obligatory, and even something that happens to us. Some may feel they “should” have sex with their partner because that’s what good husbands and wives do. Some may feel they “should” have sex at a certain frequency, or experience sex in a certain way. Compulsory sex is not great sex, and it’s also not great for the relationship.
It’s more common for women to take on this “should” mentality than men.[i] Societal messages to women about sex can be particularly confusing. Women are often taught by their communities that sex is a marital (“wifely”) duty and are encouraged by the media to engage in sex for the sake of their husbands – but not necessarily to have sexual desires of their own.[ii] [iii] [iv] Additionally, media often portrays women who enjoy sex as dirty, [ii] [v] but at the same time, women are encouraged to look sexy and desirable for men.
Turning off the TV might not be enough to drown out the conflicting messages. Even spiritual leaders of religions that teach its adherents that marital sex is a positive thing might encourage sexual guilt by teaching an association between sex and original sin or impurity. [iv] [vi] There are a lot of mixed messages surrounding sex and perhaps even more prescribed messages about how a woman “should” feel about (or act in) a sexual relationship.
These negative and confusing messages surrounding sex may be related to a decrease in women’s sexual satisfaction. [iv] In fact, a 2009 study in Norway of heterosexual couples found that twice the number of women than men reported only having sex to gratify their partner.[vi] Consider the dilemma: women are told sex is bad or shameful, but that they should have it for their husbands who need it.
A crummy sex life is not part of a happy marriage. Enjoyable sex and enjoyable marriages often go hand in hand.[vii] Unfortunately, when “should” becomes the motivator, sex becomes an obstacle that separates couples rather than a bridge that unifies them. If you find yourself stuck in the middle of a “should” mindset, mindfulness can help turn that obstacle into a bridge again. You can become more mindful by practicing curiosity, acceptance, and self-compassion in the face of your own expectations.
How can you turn “I should have sex” into “I get to have sex!”? One way is to slow down in the moment and foster curiosity. You can start now! Pause, sit up straight, and breathe deeply. As you breathe, notice the feelings and impressions that come to your mind as you answer the following questions:
Just thinking about having sex, what do you feel? (Anxious, excited, guilty, confident, etc. There’s no judgment attached. Just observe how you feel.)
- What does sex symbolize in your relationship?
- What have you felt physically and emotionally while having sex?
- What have you been taught to feel about sex?
- Why do you feel the way you do about sex?
As you pause to breathe and ponder these questions, ideas and insights may come to you that would be valuable to write down. Before you engage in sex again because you feel like you’re supposed to, practice acknowledging your feelings surrounding sex. Use these questions again if you’d like! Mindful curiosity involves bringing a real interest into what you think, feel, and experience as life happens. If you don’t want to have sex, instead of focusing on what you “should” do, let yourself be open to what’s happening inside of you in that moment – without judgment.
After investigating with curiosity, accept what you’ve found. All of us have been affected by the mixed messages surrounding sex we’ve heard growing up. Perhaps when your partner has wanted sex in the past, you’ve felt stressed, tired, overwhelmed, or unheard by and disconnected from your loved one. In the future, instead of having sex, what may nourish your relationship most could be snuggling, talking about your day, or even getting some alone time. Accepting what you feel can be hard, especially if you’re prone to feeling guilty, but there’s more to building a good relationship than having sex. This could be an opportunity to let yourself be served and invest in your relationships in other meaningful ways. Plus, as you mindfully acknowledge and honor your feelings when you’re down, you can better identify and accept times when you feel joy, arousal, and a desire to be physically connected with your partner. Then, having sex can be even better!
Finally, replace judgment with self-compassion. We all have beliefs about who we should be and what should come naturally to us. Changing our beliefs about sex can be especially difficult. If changing your attitude is difficult, remember to talk to yourself the same way you would talk to a dear friend. Be gentle with you as you’re trying to change. Change is hard. Be kind to yourself while you allow yourself to be cared for. Keep investigating what you feel, accept what you find, and be gentle with yourself in this process.
Enlisting your partner to help you think more positively about sex may help you overcome your negative or obligatory feelings toward sex. Tell your partner about your barriers and be vocal about what would help you. The same study that found that women have more obligatory sex than men also found that the men who were struggling with their sexual desire were more likely to communicate with their partners what they find sexually enjoyable.[vii] Don’t resign yourselves to having bad obligatory sex! Instead, talk about what’s bothering you. Being more mindful can bless you and your partner in nurturing a more wonderful relationship.
Practicing mindfulness can help you both be present, enjoy even better sex, and feel better overall about your relationship.[ix] The next time you find yourself about to approach the bedroom out of obligation, you can pause and feel the words:
“Stop should-ing all over yourself!”
Because you deserve more.
ARTICLE WRITTEN BY ALYSSA L. BROWN
Alyssa L. Brown is a student at Brigham Young University studying Statistics and Psychology. She works as a research assistant for Dr. Chelom Leavitt and is interested in positive psychology’s influence on family processes and sex. Alyssa has been married for just over a year to Trinceton “TJ” Brown and is currently working to receive her undergraduate degree and apply to grad school.
[i] Sanchez, D. T.,Kiefer, A. K., & Ybarra, O. (2006). Sexual submissiveness in women: Costs for sexual autonomy and arousal. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32(4), 512-524.
[ii] Clarke, J. (2009). Women’s work, worry, and fear: the portrayal of sexuality and sexual health in US magazines for teenage and middle-aged women, 2000-2007. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 11(4), 415-429.
[iii] Russer, M.J. (2014). “Wifely duty” and why so many married women eventually prefer no sex. The Good Men Project. Retrieved from https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/wifely-duty-and-why-so-many-married-women-eventually-prefer-no-sex-mjr/
[iv] Træen, B. & Skogerbø, Å. (2009). Sex as an obligation and interpersonal communication among Norwegian heterosexual couples. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 50, 221–229
[v] Klement, K.R., & Sagarin, B.J. (2017). Nobody wants to date a whore: rape-supportive messages in women-directed Christian dating books. Sexuality and Culture, 21, 205-223.
[vi] Leonhardt, N.D., Busby, D.M., & Willoughby, B.J. (2020). Sex guilt or sanctification? The indirect role of religiosity on sexual satisfaction. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 12(2), 213-222.
[vii] Fallis, E.E., Rehman, U.S., Woody, E.Z., & Purdon C. (2016). The longitudinal association of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(7), 822-831.
[ix] Leavitt, C.E., Lefkowitz, E.S., & Waterman, E.A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509.