“When words are both true and kind, they can change the world.” Gautam Buddha
At our wedding breakfast 25 years ago, several family members and friends took a moment to publicly wish me and my new husband well. My father, an English professor, stood and recited a William Butler Yeats’ poem from memory called, “He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven.” The poem is about the love a partner feels for the other, so it was appropriate for a wedding. But I knew, the moment my dad was quoting it, exactly why he chose that poem. He chose it because the poem ends with these lines, “I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.”
My dad knew that I was marrying a soft-treader. And he also knew that I was not one. I eventually had the words “tread softly” engraved on the inside of my wedding ring, in hopes of having that instruction sink into my heart. All those years ago at our wedding breakfast, although my father understood the value of kindness in marriage, I did not yet realize its incredible power.
BEING KIND MAKES HAPPY PEOPLE HAPPIER
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
– Dalai Lama
My husband’s continued kindness has made our marriage better on too many occasions to count, like his habit of getting up with sick kids during the night to let me sleep, and taking care of chores I dread, like managing our cell phones and car maintenance.
Kindness ties into many elements of a marriage relationship that can directly affect a partner, like having a willingness to forgive or possessing a greater sense of overall happiness about life.[1] Not only that, but kind people are also more likely to experience good physical health, live longer (up to 10 years longer!), earn more money, think more creatively, report having more faith and meaning in their lives, and regulate their emotions better.[2] Kindness has even been shown to reduce depression in the person being kind.[3] So if you want to be happier, be kind. And if you want to make your marriage even better, be kind.
WHEN KINDNESS DOESN’T PAY
Kindness in another’s trouble, courage in our own.”
– Adam Linday Gordon
A quick caveat about kindness: Although healthy relationships are made better by kindness, unhealthy relationships might need a different approach. This is especially an issue when people use kindness as an attempt to avoid addressing problems—almost like a duck and cover technique. Specifically, when there is abuse or high conflict, kindness can actually create more dysfunction. For example, women who stand up for themselves in high-conflict marriages (even through “unkind” means like rejection or criticism of their partner when trying to problem solve) are happier in the long run than those who are agreeable.[4] In deeply troubled relationships, courageously choosing to set clear boundaries or opting for professional help can be more beneficial than being kind, which can sometimes allow problems to go unaddressed and deepen.
CHOOSE A KIND STATE OF MIND
“Kindness is doing what you can, where you are, with what you have.” – Raktivist
An ad came out years ago in Thailand that went viral on the internet. The ad showed a man performing several small, random acts of kindness, like giving his bus seat to someone who needed it, helping a woman to get her food cart across the street, and other small, kind acts. The end of the ad explained that the man wouldn’t be richer or more famous by performing these acts, but that he would witness happiness, feel love, and receive what money cannot buy.
There are a million ways to be kind, and a million moments in a marital relationship that seem almost tailor-made to choose who you want to be in relation to your spouse.[5] You can choose to pivot in a moment away from stress toward openness and connection with kindness. You can choose to stop the negative momentum in a conversation by choosing to keep an unkind thought to yourself. The choice to be kind usually requires a small of dose self-control and imagination. You can even plan ahead for a stressful moment, or simply consider the next time you are in your partner’s presence, “What does my partner need? What do they want? What is one way I can be kind to my partner in this moment?” As you perform your act of kindness, notice how you feel. Chances are, you are going to feel more love and connection with your partner.
LOVING-KINDNESS MEDITATION
“A gentle answer turns away wrath.” – Proverbs 15:1, NIV
Although being kind seems to come easily to my husband, I have to make a more conscious choice to be kind. See if the following helps you enter into a kinder state of mind. This is a loving-kindness meditation from the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley. This modification of the UC Berkeley meditation focuses on you and your romantic partner. Repeat this meditation at least once daily, or more often if you’d like. You can find it in its entirety here.
RECEIVING LOVING-KINDNESS
Keeping your eyes closed, think of your partner. Imagine him or her standing in front of you, sending you their love. Your partner is sending you wishes for your safety, for your well-being and happiness. Feel the warm wishes and love coming from them towards you. Bask in the warm wishes and love you feel. You are filled, and overflowing with warmth and love.
SENDING LOVING-KINDNESS TO YOUR PARTNER
Begin to send the love that you feel back to your partner. You and your partner are similar. Just like you, your partner wishes to be happy. Send all your love and warm wishes to your partner.
Repeat the following phrases, silently, up to three times each:
May you live with ease, may you be happy, may you be free from pain.
Just as I wish to, may you be safe, may you be healthy, may you live with ease and happiness.
May your life be filled with happiness, health, and well-being.
When you’re ready, you may open your eyes.
And now the work really begins. Once you feel the kind feelings, consider how you can put those into kind actions. Likewise, when you begin to feel stressed or overwhelmed in relation to your spouse, consider what you can do to “tread softly” in your marriage.
CONCLUSION
“In a world where you can choose to be anything, choose to be kind.” – Anonymous
Even small acts of kindness can improve your marriage and the world around you. Kindness can help you feel increased happiness with yourself and your marriage. Consider what acts of kindness would be meaningful to your spouse, and how meaningful your partner’s small acts of kindness are to you. If you want to be happier, practice kindness. And if you want your marriage to be better, choose to be kind.
[1] Otake, K., Shimai, S., Tanaka-Matsumi, J., Otsui, K., & Frederickson, B. L. (2006). Happy people become happier through kindness: A counting kindnesses intervention. Journal of Happiness Studies 7, 361–375 https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-005-3650-z
[2] Post, S. G. (2005). Altruism, happiness, and health: It’s good to be good. International Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 12(2), 66–77. https://doi.org /10.1207/s15327558ijbm1202_4
[3] Mongrain, M., Barnes, C., Barnhart, R., & Zalan, L. B. (2018). Acts of kindness reduce depression in individuals low on agreeableness. Translational Issues in Psychological Science, 4(3), 323–334. https://doi.org/10.1037/tps0000168
[4] McNulty, J. K., & Fincham, F. D. (2012). Beyond positive psychology? Toward a contextual view of psychological processes and well-being. American Psychologist, 67(2), 101–110. https://doi-org /10.1037/a0024572
[5] Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. W.W. Norton.
Rebecca Clarke
Rebecca W. Clarke is a PhD student at Brigham Young University studying with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Her research focus is religion and sexuality, and she is currently working on papers dealing with sexual sanctification, sexual flourishing, and religiosity. Rebecca has been married to Sam Clarke for 24 years and they have four children.