We’ve all seen those magazine headlines that promise a “Quick and Easy Orgasm,” “Mind-Blowing Sex,” or “Total Sexual Satisfaction,” by employing some new position or arousal technique. Unfortunately, these headlines are often not the quick solution they promise. Once you understand the complex biological systems that are involved in sexual arousal (e.g., hormones, sympathetic and autonomic nervous systems, muscular, somatic sensory cortex, cortical and subcortical structures concerned with emotion and memory), not to mention all of the emotional and relational implications surrounding sex, you know that quick and easy is a bit misleading. Now that’s not to say that a quickie isn’t a good idea. It can be, if you’ve laid the groundwork of a healthy strong relationship.
Barring any physical complications, really satisfying sex comes from a carefully crafted emotional relationship[i]. Feeling connected emotionally is a turn on for both men and women. Some people may say, “Yeah, but sometimes I am just turned on by my partner’s body.” That’s great and a good sign of healthy attraction, but physical attraction alone will not sustain a long-term relationship. It needs to be paired with emotional and relational connection.
What IS required for long-term passionate sex?
- Great communication[ii]. You don’t need to be an orator to communicate well. Learn to see each other’s perspective and never let a disagreement linger for longer than a day. If you find your feelings are not resolving, talk to your spouse and work to resolve or negotiate the problem. Even when problems can’t be resolved (which may be often)[iii], we can try to be compassionate and understanding.
- Time and effort[iv] Make sure your partner knows that they are your top priority. If life creeps in and you find that “couple time” has turned into grocery shopping, housekeeping, and child care, take a hard stand for time together doing things that bring your closer. Put in the effort to do something thoughtful for your partner.
- Slow down and be present An overwhelming amount of research[v] points to the benefits of slowing down in our relationships and taking time to really see our partner as an individual. Try one of the meditations or mindful activities listed here. The best thing you can do for your marriage is to be present every chance you get. Distractions are inevitable, but if you make a habit of trying to be present, your spouse and children will sense it and feel more connected to you.
- Give consistent attention to sexual women’s arousal[vi] This suggestion may seem one-sided, but if you trust the research, you’ll know it’s not! When sex is slowed down so that women can feel greater arousal, both men and women report more orgasm consistency, more satisfying sex, and a happier relationship.[vii] Taking the time for both partners to achieve arousal is a win/win for both men and women. Research has shown that taking even just 10 minutes longer in sex heightens arousal for both men and women.[viii]
- Create safety and take a risk[ix] When we feel like we can do things in our relationship like taking a risk, being vulnerable, or suggesting a new sexual position or activity, we are likely doing so because we feel safe within the relationship. Creating this safety comes from honoring our partner’s feelings and ideas every day. What you do at 2 in the afternoon impacts how close you feel at 9 at night. Great sex at night starts in the morning. This means that you need to feel safe to be yourself in your partner’s presence and your partner needs the same from you. Allow each other to be real, open, and honest. Cheer each other on as you try new things. And be a safe place to fall when life gets tough.
Don’t rely on the supermarket tabloids for sex tips. Make up your own headlines for how to create great sex:
- “Have Amazing Sex by Listening to How His Day was and Giving Him a Long Hug”
- “3 Easy Steps to Drive Her Crazy in the Bedroom: Watch the kids, Clean the kitchen, Give Her an Hour to Herself”
- “20 Minutes of This Will Blow Your Mind: Communicating Authentically”
A great sex life takes time and effort and it’s not always going to be easy, but taking the time to connect, to be the best partner you can be, to listen to each other, and to work together to build a great relationship is much more likely to help you achieve great sex than anything the tabloids suggest.
[i] Frederick, D. A., Lever, J., Gillespie, B. J., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). What keeps passion alive? Sexual satisfaction is associated with sexual communication, mood setting, sexual variety, oral sex, orgasm, and sex frequency in a national US study. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 186-201.
[ii] Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, A. D., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex”. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(1-2), 1-13.
[iii] Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
[iv] Forbes, M. K., Eaton, N. R., & Krueger, R. F. (2017). Sexual quality of life and aging: A prospective study of a nationally representative sample. The Journal of Sex Research, 54(2), 137-148.
[v] Leavitt, C. E., Allsop, D. B., Busby, D. M., Driggs, S. M., Johnson, H. M., & Saxey, M. T. (2020). Associations of mindfulness with adolescent outcomes and sexuality. Journal of Adolescence, 81, 73-86.
Leavitt, C. E., Whiting, J. B., & Hawkins, A. J. (2020). The Sexual Mindfulness Project: An Initial Presentation of the Sexual and Relational Associations of Sexual Mindfulness. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 1-17.
Leavitt, C. E., Leonhardt, N. D., & Busby, D. M. (2019). Different ways to get there: Evidence of a variable female sexual response cycle. The Journal of Sex Research, 56(7), 899-912.
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., Akyil, Y., & Serduk, K. (2019). A cross-cultural study of midlife relational and sexual health: Comparing Ukraine to the US and Turkey. Sexuality & Culture, 1-22.
[vi] Leavitt, C. E., Leonhardt, N. D., & Busby, D. M. (2019). Different ways to get there: Evidence of a variable female sexual response cycle. The Journal of Sex Research, 56(7), 899-912.
[vii] Leavitt, C. E., Leonhardt, N. D., & Busby, D. M. (2019). Different ways to get there: Evidence of a variable female sexual response cycle. The Journal of Sex Research, 56(7), 899-912.
[viii] Busby, D. M., Leonhardt, N. D., Leavitt, C. E., & Hanna-Walker, V. (2019). Challenging the standard model of sexual response: Evidence of a variable male sexual response cycle. The Journal of Sex Research, 1-12.
[ix] Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, A. D., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex”. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(1-2), 1-13.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.