When I was little, I made an embarrassing faux pas (I thought all cats were girls and all dogs were boys), and when one of my sisters giggled quietly, I snapped, “What are you laughing at?” I wish I’d been able to laugh at myself and diffuse the awkwardness of the situation. However, the lesson on the value of laughter was going to take me a couple more decades to learn and, in many ways, I’m still learning it.
Recently some interesting research on humor came out.[i] Men and women gave their perspectives on humor that was amusing, humor that was self-enhancing (attention-getting), and humor used for coping. Men endorse all kinds of humor more than women. However, and this is the really interesting part, for both men and women the results revealed that humor was linked with more compassion for yourself and others. Poet Maya Angelou reminds us that we should,
“Laugh as much as possible, always laugh. It’s the sweetest thing one can do for oneself and one’s fellow human beings.”
Famous American philosopher and psychologist, William James, said, “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” It takes skill to insert humor into daily situations and it’s a skill we all value.
For a very long time, people have valued a good sense of humor in a potential partner.[ii] We value humor for good reason. Humor is a useful life skill[iii] as it may reduce depression[iv], increase social acumen and self-esteem, diminish anxiety, while improving competency, positive emotion and social interactions.[v]
So how can we inject a little humor in our lives and, most importantly, in our relationships? I can send you to a website where people have literally researched how to be funny[vi] and I think they do a super job. I was laughing through the entire article and in the end I had some pretty good material to try out. But most of us need a little humor in our relationships that is along the lines of laughing at the chaos or regular struggles of daily life. Why? Because laughing in tough times can restore our balance. Laughing actually signals that we are working to cooperate[vii] and we identify with the person laughing.[viii] Laughing and using humor unites us a bit. In fact, couples who can laugh with each other and can reminisce about funny times also report higher relational well-being.[ix]
Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, suggests that shared laughter can help diffuse conflict and makes for a much stronger relationship.[x]
In those moments when you and your spouse are at odds, try be a little light-hearted, find the ridiculous in yourself or the situation and lighten the mood.
Laughing at your partner or using sarcasm is never a good move, but laughing at yourself shows strength of character and social skill that can disperse contention. Whether sex doesn’t turn out quite like we imagined or a child interrupts the moment, we can laugh a little and ease the stress.
Here is some wisdom from Mary Pettibone Poole: “He who laughs, lasts.” Work for a long, happy marriage by finding the humor in your life. So, what are you laughing at? Hopefully, many, many things.
Just to practice what we preach:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Woo.
Woo who?
Don’t get so excited.
[i] Kosiara, A., Katz, D., & Saturn, S. (2020). Sex differences in humor experiences in relationship to compassion for oneself and for others. HUMOR, 1(ahead-of-print).
[ii] Hewitt, L. E. (1958). Student perceptions of traits desired in themselves as dating and marriage partners. Marriage and Family Living, 20(4), 344-349.
[iii] https://bigthink.com/big-think-mentor/the-7-essential-life-skills
[iv] https://bigthink.com/mind-brain/depression
[v] Martin, R. A., Puhlik-Doris, P., Larsen, G., Gray, J., & Weir, K. (2003). Individual differences in uses of humor and their relation to psychological well-being: Development of the Humor Styles Questionnaire. Journal of Research in Personality, 37(1), 48-75.
[vi] https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-be-funny/
[vii] Bryant, G. A., & Aktipis, C. (2014). The animal nature of spontaneous human laughter. Evolution and Human Behavior, 35, 327–335.
[viii] Gervais, M., & Wilson, D. S. (2005). The evolution and functions of laughter and humor: A synthetic approach. The Quarterly Review of Biology, 80, 395–430.
[ix] Kurtz, L. E., & Algoe, S. B. (2015). Putting laughter in context: Shared laughter as behavioral indicator of relationship well‐being. Personal Relationships, 22(4), 573-590.
[x] Driver, J. L., & Gottman, J. M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family process, 43(3), 301-314.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.