We have mentioned a few times research that has revealed women’s sexual response cycles are not a one-size-fits-all sort of experience.[i] Thankfully!!! Instead, women are quite varied. Research has shown that some women may have enjoyable sex with consistently lower arousal than others. Some women may have higher desire than their spouse. Some women may be matched in sexual arousal and desire to their partner. Nearly all of the patterns shown below can result in happy, fulfilling sexual relationships. It is wonderful that we can each experience a joyful sex life in our own way.
However, we have been inundated by messages to make us THINK that sex is always like a Hollywood movie where couples fall into bed, instinctively know what each other is thinking, hit an explosive orgasm together, and then fall asleep feeling complete satisfaction. That is simply not how sex works. Like most movies, that pretend scenario doesn’t represent reality.
Do men fit in this one-size-fits-all pattern? No![ii] Truthfully that might be the even bigger news. Recent research shows that men have differing patterns as well, and that’s great. Some men‘s arousal is always high, but others fluctuate, and still others have lower levels of arousal in general. When it comes to men’s sexual response patterns, they too have some variation. Just like women, men need to have the freedom to express and experience sex as seems best to them. Again, nearly all of these differing sexual arousal patterns result is generally satisfied relationships. They don’t have to always be the initiator. They don’t have to be ”ever-ready.” In fact, it’s really nice when both partners take responsibility to express their desire for sex and communicate that they feel physical attraction.
So often men are pegged as sex-starved, single-minded about sex, or the sexual aggressor. It’s interesting because the vast majority of men are much like women, in that they want one lifetime partner to be devoted to,[iii] rather than the exaggerated figures of 100s of sexual partners. And while men may think about sex more often than women, they also think about being hungry, thirsty, or tired more often than women. Bottomline: Men are typically more tuned into their bodies than women.
The main message of this research is this: Give yourself and your partner the flexibility to experience sex however works for you. If you attend to each other’s needs and don’t try to fit the model that others have promoted, you will have a better time during sex and learn how to create a truly satisfying sexual relationship. Your relationship will be unique to you. Don’t try to mimic others’ depictions or imitate their patterns of sex. Allow sex to fit the needs of you and your partner—it’s truly intimate to know each other in your own unique way. Be yourself and let your partner do the same.
Remember that differences are an opportunity for deeper intimacy. Learning to navigate your unique sexual arousal patterns provides an opportunity to learn more about each other and get curious about how, why, and when your arousal works.
[i] Leavitt, C. E., Leonhardt, N. D., & Busby, D. M. (2019). Different Ways to Get There: Evidence of a Variable Female Sexual Response Cycle. The Journal of Sex Research, 56(7), 899-912.
[ii] Busby, D. M., Leonhardt, N. D., Leavitt, C. E., & Hanna-Walker, V. (2019). Challenging the Standard Model of Sexual Response: Evidence of a Variable Male Sexual Response Cycle. The Journal of Sex Research, 1-12.
[iii] Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., Ziegler, A., & Valentine, B. A. (2011). Women, men, and the bedroom: Methodological and conceptual insights that narrow, reframe, and eliminate gender differences in sexuality. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 20(5), 296-300.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.