I remember receiving a great piece of advice when I was a new parent and dealing with a toddler’s tantrums. The tantrums, I realized, were almost always over simple things like not getting the right color cup for his drink or not wanting to wear his overalls. However, I learned that when a child is given a choice about even the smallest of things, the resultant feeling of autonomy wards off many a meltdown. When my child needed to get dressed for the day, I would hold up two shirts that were both appropriate to the situation and ask, “Which of these do you want to wear?” When he could choose for himself rather than me just picking one and putting him in it, the crisis was almost always averted.
It was a simple thing, and my toddler still got dressed, but because he felt like he had some ownership of the situation, he was much more content with the outcome.
While this was extremely beneficial for thwarting toddler tantrums, the truth is, we all want to feel like we’ve got choices and autonomy in the things we do. We may not throw a grand-scale tantrum when we feel compelled to do things (at least let’s hope not), but the adult consequences for lacking a sense of autonomy in our lives are bigger and can have more lasting effects. For example, feeling like you don’t have a choice or a voice can lead to depression and anxiety,[1] less satisfaction in your relationships with romantic partners and friends,[2] feeling less like your authentic self, and less personal growth.[3]
TWO COMPETING NEEDS?
Once the basics like food, water, and shelter are provided for, every single person on this earth has a few fundamental needs in order to feel happy and fulfilled.
One of these is what we’ve already been talking about—autonomy. Autonomy means being able to govern yourself, to choose your own behaviors. It is an important part of the human existence to feel like you get some choice in who you are and what you do. When we can own our choices, we feel much more authentic.[4]
A second fundamental need is relatedness. We are innately driven to seek connection with other humans.[5] We need each other, and we need deep, meaningful relationships to be truly happy.
These two needs can sometimes be pitted as opposites. Some might assume autonomy means independence and see it as not needing other people. But in reality, the two needs, autonomy and relatedness, are closely intertwined and taken together, can lead to the deepest, most satisfying types of human connection that we experience.
CHOOSING YOUR PARTNER
Given the importance of both autonomy and relatedness, it’s not hard to see that t autonomy in your marriage is also important. Autonomy and relatedness provide the perfect balance between a close fulfilling connection and freedom to be yourself. The best relationships involve people who feel like they’ve freely chosen their partner and are continuing to choose their partner each day. And in turn, they feel like their partner chose them and chooses them each day as well.[6] This might mean seeking out connection with each other, doing things for each other because you want to, or letting each other know of your love.
For example, think of this in terms of sacrificing something for your spouse. If you feel like you are cooking dinner because it’s expected of you or because you will be in trouble with your partner if you don’t, you’re likely to build up resentment and anger over the sacrifice of your time and efforts.
However, if you feel like you are choosing to cook dinner because you want to provide a nice meal for yourself and your partner or because you know that eating together is a connective experience—and you value that enough to sacrifice your time by cooking, you’re going to get more satisfaction out of the experience. (Though it’s important to note that appreciation matters in marriage too. Neither spouse should feel like they are taken for granted. If this is happening, it might be something that needs to be addressed between you.)
If you think about it, you can see why feeling like your spouse is actively choosing you matters as well. If your spouse goes out of their way to do something nice for you and you sense that it’s simply because it’s what’s “expected” or that they are doing it to avoid contention, it doesn’t feel that great. But if you know your spouse chose to do that nice thing just to brighten your day or lighten your load, it becomes very touching.
MAKING THE CHOICE
Knowing all of this, it can be helpful if you take a bit of an inventory of your life and determine how much you feel like you are choosing your relationship or the sacrifices you make for your relationship.
Do you actively choose your spouse each day?
Do you let your spouse know that you choose them?
When you sacrifice your time or efforts for your spouse, do you do it because you think you are “supposed to” or do you do it because you choose to?
If it’s a no to any of these questions, think about why. Maybe there are some parts of your relationship that you need to address in order to be better able to choose your partner. Maybe there are some parts of you that are holding back, like you’re not fully choosing your spouse, you’re just going with the flow. Or maybe you’re resenting some of the roles you are playing or the sacrifice you are making.
If you can shift your thinking into a more choice-based mindset, you’re likely to be happier. Remember that your relationship and the things that you do for it are a choice. You could choose not to cook dinner, for example. You could just get takeout or eat cold cereal. And if that’s what you really choose, that’s totally fine. Of course, all choices come with consequences. If you eat takeout every night maybe your wallet or your health will suffer. But you still have that choice. If you prefer a homecooked meal with your family, great. But own that choice wholeheartedly.
Just like the toddler getting to choose his shirt, the more you feel like you are actively choosing who to love and how to love, you’re going to be much happier. And your love will grow much deeper.
[1] Jack, D. C., & Dill, D. (1992). The Silencing the Self Scale: Schemas of intimacy associated with depression in women. Psychology of women quarterly, 16(1), 97-106.
[2] Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Relationships motivation theory: The self in close relationships. Self-determination theory: Basic psychological needs in motivation, development, and wellness, 293-318.
[3] Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2012). Self-determination theory. In P. A. M. Van Lange, A. W. Kruglanski, & E. T. Higgins (Eds.), Handbook of theories of social psychology (pp. 416–436). Sage Publications Ltd. https://doi.org/10.4135/9781446249215.n21
[4] Kernis, M. H., & Goldman, B. M. (2006). A multicomponent conceptualization of authenticity: Theory
and research. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 283-357.
[5] Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2012). Self-determination theory. In P. A. M. Van Lange, A. W. Kruglanski, & E. T. Higgins (Eds.), Handbook of theories of social psychology (pp. 416–436). Sage Publications Ltd. https://doi.org/10.4135/9781446249215.n21
[6] Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Relationships motivation theory: The self in close relationships. Self-determination theory: Basic psychological needs in motivation, development, and wellness, 293-318.
Amber Price
Amber A. Price has a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development from Brigham Young University and is currently working on her doctorate. Her research interests focus on an individual’s sense of self and how it is associated with intimate relationships such as sexuality and emotional intimacy, with a particular interest in women’s experiences. Amber has been married to Josh for 19 years and they have 4 sons. You can find more from Amber at https://amberaprice.com.