Sexual Mindfulness: Take the Sorrow with the Joy

Have you ever been tempted to say after a disappointing experience, a breakup, or poor performance, something like, ”It didn’t matter to me anyway”? Our tendency to numb our feelings is a common coping tactic.[i]  We may turn to electronic devices when we’re stressed or scroll Instagram to avoid unpleasant feelings. However, this approach to emotions likely does more damage that we know. It callouses us to our humanity and we become more robotic than compassionate.

Research shows that when we numb the inconvenient or unpleasant feelings that we don’t want to deal with, like grief, sorrow, disappointment, and loneliness, we necessarily numb other feelings like joy, gratitude, and delight.ⁱ Unfortunately (or fortunately), we don’t get to pick and choose what emotions we’re going to allow into our lives. If we choose to tamp down sadness and heartache, then we have to be prepared to not feel as much joy and awe. Our bodies can’t distinguish which emotions on the spectrum are being blunted. If you blunt one emotion you are going to blunt the whole lot.

Research shows that when we numb the inconvenient or unpleasant feelings that we don’t want to deal with, like grief, sorrow, disappointment, and loneliness, we necessarily numb other feelings like joy, gratitude, and delight.ⁱ Unfortunately (or fortunately), we don’t get to pick and choose what emotions we’re going to allow into our lives. If we choose to tamp down sadness and heartache, then we have to be prepared to not feel as much joy and awe. Our bodies can’t distinguish which emotions on the spectrum are being blunted. If you blunt one emotion you are going to blunt the whole lot.

It’s easy to see why. If you just want to feel happiness and glee all the time, happiness and glee will soon become so normalized, and they won’t possess the same intensity they once did. We must have contrast. We can’t perceive light without dark.

Mindfulness, the ability to slow down, be aware, attentive, and curious, can help us to create a space for the full range of emotions we are capable of as humans. Our capacity for joy in relationships is largely tied to our capacity to sit with sorrow in relationships. As we learn to be more aware of the joy in our lives, we may also need to be more tolerant of sorrow.

SEXUAL MINDFULNESS: THE LIGHT AND THE DARK

Walt Whitman expressed it this way. He said that some people are so much sunlight to the square inch. In other words, some people embrace the full range of emotions and that shines through. But he also acknowledged there had to be shadows. This is true within our sexual experiences. We too often expect to have all pleasure and no sorrow. We imagine that something is wrong if we don’t feel passion for our partner all the time or have mind-blowing sex every interaction. The truth of committed relationships is that there’s a lot of dull mixed in with the excitement. Really skilled lovers describe the need to sort through the boredom and see their partner anew.[ii]  Sexual mindfulness encourages a slower process that allows for curiosity, exploration, and gratitude.

If we become more capable of seeing sunlight, joy, or pleasure, it is because we made room for it through acceptance of all our emotions. Metz and McCarthy[iii] found in their research that couples generally have disappointing sexual experiences about 15% of the time. If you don’t shut down during these disappointing experiences and instead find a little sunlight in the process, your capacity to feel joy, tenderness, or compassion will also increase. Couples who make room for this wild pack of life’s emotions can more completely embrace deep connection. These couples don’t ignore their real differences and flaws, but they embrace these contrasts as an opportunity for deeper intimacy. Being curious about both the lights and the darks in our relationships eliminates shame and allows each partner to reveal their hidden shadows and sunlight.

Khalil Gibran, a Lebanese American writer and poet, explains:
Hearts united in pain and sorrow
will not be separated by joy and happiness.
Bonds that are woven in sadness
are stronger than the ties of joy and pleasure.
Love that is washed by tears
will remain eternally pure and faithful.

• Can you acknowledge the common or routine of your sexual life, but also see a universe of discovery? In other words, don’t be tempted to think that you know your partner so well that there is not more to learn.
• Can you allow the safety of a committed relationship to give you the freedom to really branch out, challenge yourself and your partner to take emotional and sexual risks that have previously seemed too vulnerable?
• Can you share a fantasy or desire that you’ve kept under wraps?
• Can you disclose a fear or hurt that you’ve tamped down?

THE IMPORTANCE OF OUR HEART

Dr. Sue Johnson explains, “when the heart is open, and we feel safe, there are an infinite number of discoveries.”[iv] If we stop numbing our range of emotions, we can have a lifetime of adventures to explore both personally and as a couple. The safety of a loving relationship need not be boring, if you can leverage it to continue to grow.

Sexual mindfulness can help, particularly if you haven’t always been open to the full range of emotions. The Japanese have two characters that depict mindfulness: heart and mind. So, it may be helpful to think of this practice as heart mindfulness. We must approach our awareness with a particular intention and attention.

• Can we notice details of our own arousal and desire with an attitude of compassion and warmth?
• Can we do the same for our partner?
• Do we complain that sex is getting boring, or do we recognize the opportunity to grow within the safety of a stable relationship?

Too often, we lose sexual passion because we are not putting in the effort or opening our heart like we did early in the relationship. Challenge yourself and your partner to reveal some hidden part of your emotion, your life experience, or your fears and joys about the relationship.

Sexual mindfulness helps us give the needed attention and intention to our sex life. The miracle we are looking for is within us. It requires time—slowing the pace. It requires our heart—giving compassionate perceptions of our own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors as well as compassionate perceptions of our partner’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. It requires reevaluating our passion—have we let it wane from neglect? If so, see yourself and your partner anew. See your emotions anew. Embrace your emotions through mindfulness and sit with both the sorrow and joy, the pleasure and pain. Only then are we fully human.

[i] Brown, B. (2010). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0

[ii] Perel, E. (2007). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. New York, NY: Harper.

[iii] Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “Good-Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351-362.

[iv] Johnson, S. (2015). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiVijMLH2-k