When Giving Is Actually Taking a Toll

Since the time you were a little girl, you’ve probably learned to think of yourself in terms of your relationships with others.1 You’re a sister, a daughter, a mother, a wife, a friend, a neighbor, or a colleague. Relationships are a key part of womanhood. It’s an integral aspect of who we are and what we do, and there is beauty in the deep connections women form with others. These relationships like friend, wife, or mother can serve as an indicator of a woman’s willingness to give of herself for the benefit of those around her. In so many ways giving strengthens us an individual and benefits our families and our relationships. Giving is the foundation of a strong society. But this focus on others and our tendency to first serve others while putting your own needs aside can become problematic…especially in the bedroom.

Ideally, a sexual relationship includes both giving and receiving. Sex has the power to connect partners and deepen the relationship as they willingly show love in the most vulnerable and personal of ways. Sharing your sexuality with your partner is one of the ultimate ways to show love. Sharing is key here. If just one partner is always giving, that can ultimately create resentment and distance. For women who are used to always giving, sharing, and caring for others, this can be difficult. Too many women focus their efforts in the bedroom on pleasing their partner and are hesitant to be “selfish” by allowing their partner to provide pleasure for them. But guess what? Your husband wants to provide pleasure for you! It’s fun for him.

We know from research that the female body needs time and attention to really participate fully in sex and to experience orgasm, and that means that allowing your partner to spend that time and attention on you is important. For both of you. Most men want to pleasure their partner and find deep connection by providing sexual pleasure for her.2But sometimes women feel self-conscious of taking the time they need to reach climax.

If you’ve spent a lot of time worrying more about your partner’s pleasure than your own, you may not even know where to begin in acknowledging or explaining your own needs and desires. That’s pretty normal, but also provides both you and your partner an amazing opportunity to learn about you and your needs.

ADDRESSING YOUR OWN NEEDS AND DESIRES

The first step in balancing your sexual experiences is to recognize the importance of allowing yourself to not only give, but also to receive. To truly connect with your partner, you need to be open to both. This might mean that you need to spend some time figuring out what your needs and desires are. This can be difficult if you have an “end goal” (frequently orgasm) in mind or if you’ve spent many years mostly focused on his needs.

Here are some ways that you might begin to explore and recognize your own needs and desires:

EXPLORATIVE TOUCHING

Spend time together touching in a physically intimate way without the goal of intercourse or orgasm for either of you. Touch your partner and allow him to touch you and simply pay attention to what you are feeling and what you like. You can do this together regularly and it may help you to lower your expectations and take some of the pressure off of “performing” a certain way in sex and instead provide you an opportunity to explore and connect. Being mindful of your feelings and taking the time to notice them can be powerful in increasing not only your sexual pleasure, but also in bringing more satisfaction in your relationship as a whole.³  

LET’S TALK

Have a conversation with your partner about what sex means to you personally and what it means to you as a couple. This can be a fun and informative conversation and is likely to increase your intimacy in numerous ways. Some things to consider and talk about include: What are your favorite parts of sex? What are your partner’s favorite parts of sex? What does sex mean to you and to your partner? What are some fun sexual experiences the two of you have had and why were they fun? If sex has been burdensome, why? Is it something that can be changed? Having these conversations can help both of your feel like full players in your sexual relationship, can help you recognize that you both have thoughts, feelings, and desires, and can give you the opportunity to increase your love and care for each other as you become more aware of each other’s feelings. And this conversation can be ongoing throughout the course of your relationship.

YOU MATTER:

As we’ve already talked about, it can be easy for women to get so caught up in serving others that they lose sight of their own needs. There is always someone needing something, whether it’s running a kid to soccer practice, caring for a baby up in the night, taking time for a coworker who needs to talk, helping a neighbor with her kids, driving your mom to a doctor’s appointment, adding to the grocery list on the fridge, the list could go on. . . . The point is, it can be very easy to see to everyone else’s need and to forget about your own.

But research shows that those who are best able to recognize themselves as individuals who have interests and desires independent of others’ are ultimately better able to form lasting and satisfying relationships. 4So taking time to explore new hobbies or to pursue your education can actually be a benefit to you and your partner. Changing up your routine and trying something new, both in the bedroom and out, can actually be beneficial to your intimacy as well. 5 Acknowledging that you have interests and feelings in your day to day life (not just sexually) and taking time to enjoy them, thereby balancing your own needs with your desires to care for others, is likely to help you in your sexual relationship.

INVEST IN THE PROCESS

It can be easy to allow our sexual relationship and sexual development to be just one more thing on a long to do list and we may have a tendency to push it to the bottom. Or it may be something that we hope our partner will take care of for us—we might expect him to know what we like or what our needs are without any effort on our part. But it’s normal and natural for a sexual relationship to take work. It’s all part of a process that ideally brings a couple closer together. So, let it be a priority in your life, because your relationship with your partner matters. Take ownership of your own sexuality and your responsibility in this process and be willing to invest in the process, even when you face challenges, which you will. As you do this, both you and your partner can feel like you are working together for something great and that can be strengthening as well.

All of this may take some time and effort. If you’ve spent a lot of your life being more concerned with other’s needs than your own, you’re not alone and it may take time and effort to start to recognize what they are. But as you work to address your own desires and to be more willing to receive from your partner in your sexual relationship, you’re likely to bring a lot of happiness to both of you. Couples who work together and find balance in attending to both of their needs are more sexually satisfied and are happier overall. So, take your time and learn to care for yourself in the midst of caring for others. You’re worth it and your relationship with your partner deserves it!

Footnotes

1. Surrey, J. L. (1985). Self-in-relation: A theory of women’s development. Wellesley, MA: Stone Center for Developmental Services and Studies.
2. Salisbury, C. M. A., & Fisher, W. A. (2014). Did you come?’ A qualitative exploration of gender differences in beliefs, experiences, and concerns regarding female orgasm occurrence during heterosexual sexual interactions. Journal of Sex Research 51(6), 616-631.

3.  

   Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680

4.  

   Perel, E. (2007). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. New York, NY: Harper.

5. Ferreira, L. C., Narciso, I., & Novo, R. (2013). Authenticity, work and change: a qualitative study on couple intimacy. Families, Relationships and Societies, 2(3), 339-354. doi:10.1332/204674313×668569