Radical Mindfulness and Sex

Radical Mindfulness in Sex

There is a therapeutic tool called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)[i] which includes something called radical acceptance. This term caught my attention. What is so radical about acceptance? Radical acceptance is described as a process of mentally walking yourself through the reality of the situation and calmly accepting that reality.

So, what if this situation is really as bad/unpleasant/lonely as you fear? Face that reality and recognize that you are capable and can face the truth of your situation. If this doesn’t seem radical to you, it may be because you already practice this strategy. Radical acceptance helps alleviate the distress and suffering that we all feel when we try to avoid or change reality. When we automatically feel agitation or annoyance, we can pause, take a breath, and deal with the reality of the conflict instead of avoiding it.

Radical Acceptance in Relationships

Here are some examples in which we pretend, deny, or rail against reality: Pretending that accommodating a selfish partner will fix the problem. Denying that you have a part in the conflict of your relationship. Feeling angry because your unspoken needs aren’t met. It’s easy to see how trying to avoid or change reality doesn’t usually help us–or our relationships. Radical acceptance in relationships is particularly important as close relationships are often where we are challenged emotionally.

Radical Mindfulness

One way to process reality and cope with the painful parts of who we are or the problems in our relationships is to practice being more mindful. In fact, we may need some radical mindfulness. Radical mindfulness is not denying reality or ignoring your own needs. You are not giving up or giving in. Instead, you are making a conscious choice not to waste energy kicking against the boulders of reality, or fighting the way things are.

Radical mindfulness is letting go of what you want or what you would have preferred and acknowledging what is. Being curious about why your relationship has conflict or doesn’t feel connected is one way to be more radically mindful. Don’t gloss over a conversation that left you feeling unheard. Instead, ponder what was said or done that created a feeling of dismissiveness or indifference. Then once you’ve acknowledged how you processed the conflict, find a time of calm to talk with your partner about your feelings.

Benefits of Radical Mindfulness in Sex:

Radical mindfulness may also play an important role in sex. Acknowledging the reality of your sexual problems and mindfully addressing those problems may alleviate distress and miscommunication. Couples often get caught in a pattern of negative thoughts related to sex. You may compare your sexual experience to media depictions of sex. Or possibly you criticize your body or your partner’s efforts at romance. Perhaps you constantly complain about having sex too often or not often enough. Maybe you scold yourself that you aren’t sexy enough for your partner. You may hold on to these thoughts and allow them to play over and over in your head.

Radical mindfulness in sex promotes growth rather than the downward spiral of holding onto the past or continuing to loop through thoughts about things you can’t change. That looping pattern brings discouragement and lower functioning. Radical mindfulness in sex encourages compassion while acknowledging your emotional experience. You don’t ignore reality, but you begin to accept it. You notice the struggle. As you do this, be patient with yourself. Be aware of how your internal emotional process unfolds and even impacts your physical process. Create more room for connection to yourself and your partner.

Radical mindfulness helps individuals calm down and slow down their emotional process instead of making a hasty decision. When we calm down and slow down, we’re less likely to shut down. Using your energy intentionally allows you to take control of your thoughts and behaviors.

Radical Mindfulness for Yourself

1. Stop ruminating. Ruminating is when you feel a state of agitation and just keep going round and round about your challenges, problems, disappointments, frustrations, or disagreements. At times we all get caught in the merry-go-round of these intense emotions but give yourself the ticket to get off that unproductive ride. Let go of judgement and replace it with curiosity. Be curious about your own emotions and thoughts–and be curious about your partner’s emotions and thoughts.
2. You cannot know what you do not know. One way mindfulness empowers people is by creating space to learn. When you quiet your mind and heart, you are in a state of being able to receive information from your body, your deeper consciousness, and your environment. Spending 10 minutes each day giving yourself a little recharge by quietly clearing your mind can allow the wisdom of your body to teach you just what you need to find peace. Instead of being defensive about how you respond to your partner and how you wish you or your partner was different, accept these circumstances as reality. You can work toward growth while accepting wherever you are on the journey of growth.
3. Re-evaluate. This part of mindfulness is my personal favorite. As you become more aware, accepting, and curious you can gain powerful insight about who you are, what you want, and how you need to change to find the meaning in life and in relationships that you desire. That is radical. You need no genie in a bottle to gain your three wishes. You need 10 minutes of purposeful solitude[ii] and the genie is you. You have untapped wisdom, untapped grit, untapped calm. For example, instead of worrying about how sexy you aren’t, notice that your partner desires you and loves you as you are. That re-evaluation creates powerfully transformative thoughts.

Radical Mindfulness for Your Partner

1. Accept your partner. We have all wanted to change our partner at some point. That’s natural. We see their potential. We want the best for them. However, allowing them to be who they are is part of radical mindfulness. Judgment and criticism make it more difficult for those around us to reach their potential. When individuals feel acceptance and room to be who they are, they feel more connection and love.
2. See your partner. When you use radical mindfulness with your partner, you see them fully. You see their flaws and imperfections, but you also acknowledge their strengths and core qualities. You accept that you can’t change or “fix” them. Let that idea go. There is no need to “fix.” and it isn’t your responsibility to do that.
3. Believe in your partner. You can control your responses to them and even your thoughts about them. BUT you can’t control how they think, feel, or behave. Trust that they want your happiness and look for evidence of that. Trying to control your partner will only damage your relationship! Certainly, you need to speak up and address concerns but use “I” statements that take responsibility. Don’t try to transfer blame to your partner for your feelings.

Let go of the effort to pretend, deny, or rail against reality. Instead, acknowledge the discomfort of what is occurring. Quietly sit with sorrow. Acknowledge the struggle and name your emotion. This process increases your capacity to feel connection, appreciation, and love. During sex notice what is pleasurable and what isn’t. Speak up and tell your partner how you appreciate their effort and love. Find a relaxed time to discuss concerns and strategies to meet each other’s needs. This type of acceptance reduces anxiety and allows you to see things for what they are.

It is a bit radical to not make excuses or create unrealistic fantasies but doing so helps you to be more intentional about your thoughts, words, and actions and that will improve any situation.

[i] Panos, P. T., Jackson, J. W., Hasan, O., & Panos, A. (2014). Meta-analysis and systematic review assessing the efficacy of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Research on Social Work Practice, 24(2), 213-223.

[ii] Leavitt, C. E., Butzer, B., Clarke, R. W., & Dvorakova, K. (2021). Intentional solitude and mindfulness: The benefits of being alone. The Handbook of Solitude: Psychological Perspectives on Social Isolation, Social Withdrawal, and Being Alone, 340-350.