I recently spent a little time on a beautiful sunny beach in Mexico. One morning I glided out on a paddle board to a calm shallow area of the bay where a few of us were led in a splendid meditation. Our guide said something that stuck with me, “Meditation is a massage for your nervous system.” Don’t we all need that kind of massage?! Learning to give the nervous system some room to relax, take a breath from the constant barrage of negative news, or let go of some painful interpersonal interactions is an important part of self-care.
Occasionally I am lucky enough to be with someone who quietly and respectfully creates a little time and space that helps me figure out my own thoughts. Sometimes it’s a family member, my husband, or a friend, or my therapist. For me, it can also happen in my quiet prayers, a thoughtful mantra, or as I mindfully walk. Creating these spaces is sometimes illusive, but so worthwhile.
Being Who You Are
When we take an emotional risk where we share our thoughts with our partner and this is met with acceptance and curiosity, then tensions and anxieties fade. That is a precious gift. We can often work out challenging things when we give ourselves permission, time, and space. It’s really incredible when another person gives us their attention, patience, and support so we can process what’s inside of us, but if we don’t have that special someone, we can give ourselves a little self-care. Here are a couple of ideas for self-care
The Bumblebee and The Shrug
My meditation guide taught two stunning practices: The Bumblebee and the Shoulder Shrug.
Here’s a quick description of each:
Bumble bee five senses. Take your open hands and place your thumbs lightly on your ear canal, then lightly place your pointer fingers over each eye, then your middle finger on either side of your nostrils, and your ring and pinky fingers gently on your lips (refer to the picture and remember I am a social scientist not an artist). Then take a breath in and as you exhale hum. Quietly be present with yourself. Notice how you feel before and after a few minutes of this sweet self-care. This meditation literally calms your brain. Try it! 
Shoulder shrug. Raise your shoulders up next to your ears as you breath in. As you exhale relax and let go of tension. Here are a few mantras that may help you feel more ease- “I don’t care,” “I have enough,” “I am enough,” and maybe my favorite, “no thank you.” As you repeat these simple mantras anchor into your exhale and give yourself permission to let go of unneeded ideas, expectations, and burdens in your life.
Try one of these today and begin a practice of caring for your body and mind in a way that only you can do. Set a few minutes aside to relax and give your nervous system some downtime.
Sexual Mindfulness
How does all this relate to sexual mindfulness? Very simply. When we feel comfortable in and connected with our own body, we can better connect physically and emotionally with those we love. We can take the risk to be truly who we are and share that with our partner. Getting comfortable and being authentic takes courage and practice. Start by relaxing. Often when one partner is more mindful the other partner notices the difference and can follow the mindful pattern. Sex is about connection and creating more meaning. We can’t even feel some sensations when we are so anxious or distracted. Slowing down is essential for feeling arousal and connection.
Three Suggestions
With the sun shining outside and cool evenings on their way, take a little time to find a quiet spot to meditate. Here are a few simple suggestions to get started:
- Eliminate barriers that discourage meditation. You don’t have to meditate for a set time or a long time. If you only have 3 minutes, quietly sit, breath in and as you exhale think, “I am enough.”
- Recognize this moment for what it is. Our lives are divided into 6-8 second segments. Breath in. . . . Breath out. . . . Each of these moments are precious. Recognize the value of each moment by internally saying, “This moment is precious.”
- Be kind. Do something for yourself and for your partner that is a little indulgent. Go to bed early and give yourself an extra 30 minutes sleep. Drink a little tea as you relax with you partner. Share a memory that is comforting. Tell yourself one thing that you feel you did well. Tell your partner one reason why you love them or something that they’ve done recently that surprised you. Describe how it feels when your partner touches your hand or hugs you.
Give yourself and your partner some loving kindness this week. A little nervous system massage will do wonders for how you feel and for any relationship. Listen to your body’s wisdom and offer permission, time, and space to heal, to relax, and to be authentic to who you truly are. We cannot create connection without first knowing our own mind, heart, and body. Giving some self-care through meditation will help you know yourself and your partner.