I was nervous about my first Valentine’s Day with my husband. Advertisements and social media told me it should be filled with gifts, Hallmark cards, bouquets of flowers, and expensive restaurant outings, but I didn’t know what my husband would truly enjoy. And I was scared to ask him, thinking it would show that I wasn’t capable of knowing what he liked. I thought of getting him a present, but I knew my husband wasn’t big on receiving gifts. I knew he loved it when people did acts of service for him, but I felt like I didn’t know how to express my love through service very well. I did not know what to do.
As the fourteenth approached, my husband seemed to be stressed as well. Finally, we sat down on the couch and talked. He told me he had been feeling similarly. He knew that I liked receiving gifts, but didn’t know what to get: a giant teddy bear? Seemed too cheesy. A card from the store? Seemed not personal enough. He was nervous that he’d get me a gift I wouldn’t like and I would feel unloved. We realized we had both been nervous to ask each other for ideas, thinking that our indecisiveness would make the day less romantic. Neither of us wanted to “fail” on our first Valentine’s together.
After laughing at our misunderstanding, we honestly expressed what our expectations for Valentine’s Day were. Talking openly removed stress and helped us create a wonderful Valentine’s Day, doing simple yet meaningful things for each other based on our respective likes and dislikes. This almost-failed-Valentine’s-Day experience taught us two valuable lessons that would help us for many Valentine’s Days to come: communication is essential, and we each have a preferred love language.
DON’T READ MINDS–COMMUNICATE
It seems romantic to just know what our partner wants or desires, but this is unrealistic. In fact, research indicates that couples who have fantastic relationships[i] also have extraordinary communication. This unspoken rule of reading minds unnecessarily adds pressure and stresses couples.
The reality is, it’s impossible to read your partner’s mind. Although it may seem unromantic, simply asking your partner what they like and don’t like is actually better. Your partner may want to go all out and make it a special day, or they may want to treat it as any other day, but you will never know until you ask. Understanding your partner and your own preferences will save stress and frustration. It doesn’t matter whether you and your partner decide to relax and watch Netflix on Valentine’s Day or get dressed up and go to a nice restaurant, as long as you’ve communicated and are on the same page.
Be aware of your Valentine’s Day expectations. Whether you expect it to be a day full of chocolates and bouquets of flowers, or relaxed one-on-one time with your partner. When expectations are unmet, conflict arises.[ii] To avoid this, talk about your and your partner’s needs and to understand expectations. This understanding will help you in everyday situations, not just on Valentine’s Day. Make sure your expectations are reasonable and benefit your relationship. Take time to evaluate what you might be expecting on Valentine’s Day and whether those expectations will strengthen your relationship. Doing so will ease the pressure to get it right for your partner on this special day.
LOVING IN THEIR LANGUAGE
In addition to communication, understanding how each partner receives and expresses love will help couples show affection in a more meaningful way. The 5 Love Languages, created by Dr. Gary Chapman, outlines how people give and receive love differently.[iii] The preferred languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, and service. People can have one love language that means more to them than another. For example, a person might love a hug from their partner more than a compliment, or they might appreciate that their partner did extra chores around the house more than a thoughtful gift brought home after work.
On our first Valentine’s Day, my husband and I struggled to know what to do for each other because we did not know how to speak each other’s love languages. After having a conversation and understanding each other’s expectations, we had a better idea of how to express love in each other’s love language. My husband printed out pictures of us and strung them around our apartment, which was perfect for someone whose love language is gifts. I did my husband’s household chores and errands for him, making him feel like his love language of service had been met. Although it was hard to speak in languages we weren’t as comfortable with, it made the day much more individualized.
Take time to get to know yourself and how you like to receive and express love, then think about your partner’s preferred love language. Knowing your partner’s love language will make your affection that more meaningful and impactful to them. To find out what your love language is you can take a quiz at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/5-love-languages. Love languages are important on special occasions like Valentine’s Day, but also in everyday situations. Understanding each other’s language will help you to notice when your partner is expressing love, even if it is not in your primary love language.
Now as Valentine’s Day approaches every year, my husband and I chuckle about how nervous we were for the first one. We have become more comfortable with the holiday, spending it the way we want to. Communicating expectations and respecting each other’s love languages turns Valentine’s Day into something more meaningful and personalized.
Charice D. West is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University studying Family Science and working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. She is interested in continuing her education in Marriage and Family Therapy.
[i] Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, A. D., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex”. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(1-2), 1-13.
[ii] Williams, D. N., Smith, D. B., Sukach, T., & Minaiy, C. (2018). Expecting More in Relationships – Implications of Relational Entitlement. American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(4), 321–340. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2018.1539354
[iii] Chapman, G. D. (1995). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Chicago: Northfield Pub.