Every child has had the question. Every parent has dreaded the answer. “Where do babies come from?” Many don’t recall their talk on the birds and the bees with particular fondness, some may have even felt disgust and discomfort during the talk. Although everyone has their own experience with “the talk”, the feelings of embarrassment, shock, and avoidance are almost universal. This article will help parents feel empowered to have better interactions about sex with their children.
Today most parents wait until a child is experiencing puberty to begin having conversations about maturation and sex1 . Many express worries that they don’t want to “put ideas into their heads” or “scare them about what’s going to happen to their body”. Consequently, they avoid the topic until the moment seems right. The problem with this approach is that it’s often too much, too late. Would you wait to teach someone to “stop, drop, and roll” until they were actually on fire? Most likely not, so why do we wait to teach children about sex and maturation until they are going through it?
In today’s society, many adults feel that the sex education they received from their parents was insufficient.2 Lots of people reflecting on their “talk” note that these discussions were vague, infrequent, disconnected, and negative. Because of their own poor experience, many adults want to teach their own children better than how they were taught, but rarely follow through.
So how can parents improve the way they teach their kids about sex? The first step is to be proactive. Parents can promote a better learning experience by talking early, openly, and frequently with their children about maturation and sexuality. Here are a few ideas on how to do so.
- Early Conversations
A common mistake made by parents is to wait to discuss sex and maturation until the child is going through puberty. Although rooted in good intentions, these teaching methods usually fall short. One study found that oftentimes children whose parents wait until the child is maturing to begin talking about sex often have already had some sort of sexual experience.3 The truth is, when children lack education and understanding of sex they tend to search answers from outside sources such as friends, social media, and even pornography.
To prevent this, it’s important that parents start talking about sex early with age-appropriate conversations that are respectful of the child’s personality. One idea would be to start practicing these conversations with their newborn. This allows the parent to become comfortable talking about sex and maturation while the baby is still too young to understand and pick up on mistakes. As the child grows, so does the parent’s comfort eventually resulting in open, educational conversations.
- Open Conversations
Another common mistake among parents is to have a closed dialogue about sex. This means the conversation is more of a lecture and uses terms and phrases that are unfamiliar to the child. The discussion subjects tend to focus on the facts and negative outcomes of sex rather than emotions and relationships4 while avoiding and discouraging questions. These types of conversations can be overwhelming and frightening for children and often promotes shameful attitudes about sex.
To help avoid these types of conversations, parents should treat these talks as a discussion rather than a lecture. This means that parents should allow their children the chance to participate in the exchange by asking questions, communicating concerns, and expressing feelings. A good way to practice this is to create an open dialogue about other subjects such as friends, sports, or interests then move into the tougher topics.
- Frequent Conversations
Another common mistake made by parents is to turn these talks into “The Talk”. Rather than talking regularly about sex and maturation with their children, most parents tend to have a single discussion and never bring it up again. This can lead children to feel that sex is abnormal and should be kept secret. The more parents have conversations about sex, the more their children will come to understand just how good and important healthy sex can be.5
One of the best ways to do this is to break down sex and maturation into small conversations on different topics. Start with the basics, such as anatomy or relationships, and lead into the more difficult topics, such as pregnancy or pornography. This allows the child to better digest a small amount of information, wrestle with their emotions, and have an opportunity to return with follow-up questions. Frequent discussions open the door for better communication and understanding.
Some parents may feel stressed that they have already missed the boat on teaching their children about sex. They may worry that they are not talking enough, their children are too old, or they just don’t know where to begin. It’s okay. The truth of the matter is, to become good at something you simply must practice. Start today by asking your teenager how their date went, helping 5-year-old identify the parts of their body using the right terms, or telling your tween one of your embarrassing puberty stories. The important thing is not give up. You won’t regret opening your mouth and helping improve the learning experience of your child.
Taylen Moss is from Spanish Fork, Utah and is currently studying Family Science at Brigham Young University. She graduates in December 2023 and plans to pursue her Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She loves to read, hammock, and spend time with family and friends. Taylen comes from an avid BYU family and has loved being able to continue the legacy while studying how to help families.
- Patterson, S., McDaid, L., Hunt, K., Hilton, S., Flowers, P., McMillan, L., Milne, D., & Lorimer, K. (2020). How men and women learn about sex: multi-generational perspectives on insufficient preparedness and prevailing gender norms in Scotland. Sex Education, 20(4), 441–456. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681811.2019.1683534
- Satterthwaite Muresianu, E., Weinstock, R. E., Arams, R., Vorawandthanachai, T., Ferrera, A., Forero, J. P., Torres Maita, Y., & Dolan, S. M. (2022). Fathers’ reflections on adolescent sex education in Chile – Generación de Transición. Sex Education, 22(6), 691–704. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681811.2021.2003771
- Byers, E. S., Sears, H. A., & Weaver, A. D. (2008). Parents’ Reports of Sexual Communication With Children in Kindergarten to Grade 8. Journal of Marriage & Family, 70(1), 86–96. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00463.x
- Antunes, A. C., & Butler, C. (2023). Pompomed vulvas & glittered penises: exploring gender through play. Sex Education, 23(2), 194–202.https://doi.org/10.1080/14681811.2022.2082397
- Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., Leavitt, C. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriage (2nd ed.). Brigham City, UT: Brigham Distributing