The song “Come Thou Font of Every Blessing” has a perplexing line that says, “Here I raise my Ebenezer, here by thy great help I’ve come.” Who or what is an Ebenezer? I asked myself.
What I learned is that in Hebrew eben = stone and ezer = help.
So, Ebenezer is a stone of help. A stone that in early Israel signified a time when the Lord miraculously saved Israel from the Philistines with thunder and heavenly power. While Samuel served as prophet, Israel once again became lazy and prideful. They didn’t tend their faith, didn’t listen to their prophet, and had turned away from God. When they finally came to their senses and recommitted to serve the Lord, they were able to defeat the Philistines. They took a big stone and made it a symbol of their changed heart. The stone of help exemplified their commitment to live a better, more unified life with God.
Have there been times in your marriage when you didn’t tend the relationship? Didn’t listen to your spouse’s needs? Has there been a time when you needed Heavenly intervention? Probably everyone can answer YES to all of the above.
What are stones of help that signify how you tend to your marriage? For some, it’s as simple as a regular date or time to slow down and share deeper emotions instead of only talking about daily to-do lists or schedules. For others, there may be a need to reflect and set some healthier patterns. Maybe you’ve noticed some ineffective or unhelpful habits creep into your marriage—like constant criticism or indifference. Confront these together.
One powerful exercise is to set a time to practice one of my favorite mediations by Thich Nhat Hanh. Repeat these mantras daily to yourself, out loud to your partner or whenever needed:
1st mantra: Darling, I’m here for you. (You offer him or her your presence. You are not preoccupied with the past or the future; you are there for your beloved.)
2nd mantra: Darling, I know you are there and I am so happy. (Because you are fully there, you recognize the presence of your beloved as something very precious. You embrace your beloved with mindfulness.)
3rd mantra you practice when your beloved one is suffering: Darling, I know you’re suffering. That is why I am here for you. (Before you do something to help, your presence already brings some relief.)
4th mantra is a little bit more difficult. It is when you suffer and you believe that your suffering has been caused by your beloved. You are hurt. You want to punish or isolate. Instead you say: Darling, I suffer. I am trying my best to be present
Read more from Thich Nhat Hanh.
John Gottman regularly talks about ways to negotiate differences in a marriage. Here are his top seven suggestions:
- Seek help early.
Marriage counseling can help gain skills and perspective. Religious leaders are also a good resource to help break through intractable problems.The average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long (on average 6 years) before seeking help. - Edit yourself.
The most successful couples avoid saying out loud every critical thought that comes to mind when discussing touchy topics. Instead, they will slow down and find ways to express their needs and concerns respectfully. - Soften your “start up.” Bring up problems gently without blame. Be clear about your own responsibility in the issue.
- Accept influence from your partner (particularly for husbands).
A husband’s ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows that women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men. A true partnership only occurs when both spouses can accept influence from the other. - Have high standards.
The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refuse to accept hurtful behavior from one another. - Learn to repair and exit the argument.
Happy couples have learned how to exit an argument, or how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. If emotions are too high, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm. - Focus on the positives.
Keep in mind the 5:1 ratio. Make 5 positive remarks to every 1 negative remark.
When we slow down and are clear about our hurt feelings, we can better process the grief we experience. We can choose to heal instead of continuing to hurt. We can respectfully listen to each other and acknowledge each other. Just like the Israelites of long ago, it is natural for us to drift. Successful marriages are built by partners who recommit to each other and to the best in themselves. Daily mantras can help us refocus on our relationship. Tending to the best in our relationships can also include seeking help if needed, accepting influence from our partner, having high standards, fighting fair, and focusing on the positive. Are there things you could commit to that would bless your relationship? Thoughtfully engaging in these practices can become your own personal stones of healing and help. You can raise your Ebenezer and strengthen your relationship.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.