Struggle comes in many forms. A short list might include anxiety, missed potential, perfectionism, troubled relationships, or loneliness. If you are sensing a lack or an imbalance in your life, here are a few thoughts to consider and some research that supports these ideas.
- In sterquiliniis invenitur is a Latin term that means in filth it can be found. Some have said this phrase refers to the dragon that hides the gold or the giant that must be overcome. We all know that part of us that we want to keep hidden, but it may be that individual change comes not in hiding but in addressing this flaw or insecurity. Psychologist, Carl Jung[i] explained that often what we want most in our life will be found in the places we least want to look. For example, recent research by Gazder and Stanton explained that an avoidant individual may struggle to engage in needed intimate conversations within a relationship. However, one remedy that has been documented is slowing down and being more present and accepting when experiencing a desire to duck and run. This research showed that mindful partners of avoidant individuals can play an important positive role in maintaining a relationship.[ii] Partners can help each other see the way to the gold even if it is filled with struggle and difficult realities.
- Embrace the imbalance to find the balance. Many times, we must acknowledge problems in our lives and then work to find ways to overcome problems that are congruent with our values. For example, when a child is trying to learn about an object in her world, she grasps it and then while feeling it, touching it, squeezing it, she begins to understand the object and comprehend what it is. When working to face an insecurity, it may help to just sit with it, acknowledge that it exists and that it is limiting progress. Stare at the problem to become familiarized with it and eventually the problem loses its paralyzing power.
To effectively find balance we sometimes need to feel imbalance—wobble a bit and sense what it feels like to tetter out of balance. So much current research is about self-care[iii] or finding a way to recognize when we are experiencing compassion fatigue because it is quite normal to overdo one side or the other when sorting out how we engage with others and how we take care of ourselves.[iv] It’s OK to realize we have become lopsided within a relationship and then take action to correct the imbalance.
We must have a little tolerance for the normal chaos or creativity in our lives and a sense of meaningful order to gain a balance or comprehension of our potential. Society is bubbling with chaos and it is part of our responsibility to make order from chaos or more accurately find a balance of order and chaos (yin/yang).
- Mindfulness can help provide a mechanism to find balance between order and chaos. Mindfulness doesn’t judge the chaos, but it also doesn’t insist on strict order. Chaos and order create wholeness –not overly ridged or overly unruly. Being curious about how chaos and order coexist in your life can help you find a healthy balance that is joyful and productive.
As you think about making goals or tweaking an already good life, consider the importance of looking at some of the unpleasant realities in your life and not shying away from them. Accept that being out of balance at times is important to finding balance. Don’t chastise yourself for the chaos, but instead be curious about how you will find the order in the chaos and learn to appreciate them both.
[i] Jung, C. G. (2014). THE COLLECTED WORKS OF CG JUNG: Mysterium Coniunctionis (Volume 14): An Inquiry into the Separation and Synthesis of Psychic Opposites in Alchemy. Routledge.
[ii] Gazder, T., & Stanton, S. C. (2020). Partners’ relationship mindfulness promotes better daily relationship behaviours for insecurely attached individuals. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(19), 7267.
[iii] Jin, Y., Bhattarai, M., Kuo, W. C., & Bratzke, L. C. (2023). Relationship between resilience and self‐care in people with chronic conditions: A systematic review and meta‐analysis. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 32(9-10), 2041-2055.
[iv] Xie, W., Chen, L., Feng, F., Okoli, C. T., Tang, P., Zeng, L., … & Wang, J. (2021). The prevalence of compassion satisfaction and compassion fatigue among nurses: A systematic review and meta-analysis. International journal of nursing studies, 120, 103973.