This is part 2 of a 3 part series about differentiation of self. Read the first article, To Become or Not to Become, here and the third post, Developing Yourself, here.
Foundational to being human is the desire to belong to oneself and to belong to others. We want to have our own opinions and feelings, interests, hobbies, and passions. But we also want to be deeply loved and feel a sense of belonging with others. Fortunately, these two experiences don’t have to be mutually exclusive and in fact, balancing both desires can lead to personal growth, increased intimacy, and satisfaction in relationships.[i] [ii]
The concept of differentiation of self allows a person to balance this sense of autonomy with deep connection with another. But finding this balance can take practice and may even take years to develop. The good news is that even beginning the journey is likely to bring you more happiness in your life and more genuine connection in your relationships. A great place to start is by taking a good look at who you are and how you see yourself, because this can have a big impact on how you connect with others.
HAVING A STRONG SENSE OF SELF
It’s easy to look to others to define who you are—in fact, you were taught to do that as a baby. You watched the faces of your family members to see how they reacted to you, you learned about emotions from mimicking others, and you likely had defining childhood social interactions that helped shape who you are today.
As you get older, it’s still easy to look outside yourself to define yourself. Most people compare their performance on tasks to how others are performing the same task: “Is my grade on this test higher or lower than most of my classmates?” They look at the bodies of people on TV to see how their own measures up: “I want to be as skinny, muscular, attractive, as that person.” They are aware of (or at least think they perceive) others’ expectations for them and sometimes allow those expectations to govern the way they live: “Good moms have a nutritious dinner on the table right at dinnertime. The house is clean, they don’t yell while making dinner, and the family always has meaningful conversation around the table with no fighting.”
If some of these examples feel familiar, it’s because it’s extremely common to look to others you know or to society in general to tell you if you’re doing a good job of being you. And yet even though it’s common, this isn’t the healthiest way of defining yourself. It can get extremely confusing when you try to adapt to all of these messages from others.
Despite the pull of these messages, the most successful relationships are formed by people who are able to fight against the tendency to define themselves by others’ opinions and instead be true to who they want to be.[iii] In other words, they have a strong sense of self, or a self that is not confused by other people’s thoughts and ideas but is instead consistent and clearly defined for themselves. Establishing this sense of self is not easy, but as you begin to recognize ways that you’re looking to outside sources to define you, you can begin to shed those external labels and become more fully you. As you do so, you’ll likely find deeper connections and greater intimacy in all of your relationships.
Take some time to consider how you define yourself and consider these questions about your sense of self:
- In what ways am I relying on others to define who I am?
- How do I describe myself? Is my description based on my own clear assessment or influenced by how I think others see me?
- Do I see my qualities as clearly as I see my weaknesses?
- Do I have an idea of who I want to be and how can I work towards living that way more fully?
Balancing Connection & Autonomy
It’s hard to share yourself with someone else when you feel like you’re not even sure who you are. As part of defining yourself, each of us need space to explore our own interests and passions, to look inside and develop what we truly value. That will then help us develop the desire to share our self with another in a romantic and sexual relationship. Or said another way, you’ve got to belong to yourself before you can share that self with someone else.
Strong relationships require that each individual in the couple has an identity separate from the other and that they each have personal desires and interests (this is part of differentiation of self). Having separate passions and hobbies is what allows the couple to come together after time apart with interesting things to talk about and new perspectives to share.
Having ownership of yourself keeps things interesting in the relationship and matters in the bedroom as well. As therapist Esther Perel teaches, you can’t desire something you already have.[iv] When individuals are overly connected (they do everything together all the time and have no opportunity for personal growth on their own), they may feel that they belong more to each other than they do to themselves. This can make things feel boring or routine and can weaken sexual desire.
“Eroticism requires separateness…[and] thrives on the unpredictable. Desire butts heads with habit and repetition.” -Esther Perel from Mating in Captivity
But when individuals are able to explore their own interests, they may feel a spark of excitement. Part of owning yourself is also recognizing the little things that make you you, like your hobbies and desires. Have you ever had the experience of doing something that felt truly like you and that really brought out your passion? This looks different for everyone—maybe it’s cooking or eating, maybe it’s dancing or singing, maybe it’s taking a class to learn something new. But often when you have these experiences it awakens some part of you and makes you see the world through new eyes. Rather than going through the motions of daily life that can become monotonous like work, laundry, cooking, and grocery shopping, doing things that add a spark to your life can make you excited to share your experiences with your partner.
These new eyes allow you to look at your partner with excitement and it allows your partner to see you as you truly are—your passions, your strengths, your weaknesses, and your challenges.
And this goes both ways. When your partner has opportunities to explore growth and personal interests, you get to see a new and exciting side of him or her as well. It’s exciting to watch another person explore and develop their passion and have that person share their experiences with you along the way.
Essentially, this concept of differentiation of self allows an individual to balance a sense of autonomy with a profound connection to another. A person with a strong sense of self can simultaneously belong deeply to themselves and to their partner, and relationships that successfully achieve this balance are typically stronger and more satisfying.[v][vi]
The more you become comfortable with yourself and learn, who you truly are, what your desires and interests are, what you are feeling, and what you need to work on, the more you will find connection with others in your life. Your relationships with others will be more intimate because you will confident sharing yourself, flaws and all, with another and you will be willing to love and accept others for who they truly are. It’s not always easy to fit personal interest and development into the day-to-day grind. Growing takes courage and strength, but it’s worth it in the end.
Questions to consider:
- Are there parts of myself that I’ve allowed to get buried or put on the back burner of life that really matter to me?
- What new things would I like to try?
- How can I make an effort to enjoy the parts of me that truly bring out who I am even while balancing daily life?
- How can I help my partner explore who he/she is and encourage and support his/her journey?
Be sure to read the third post in this series, Developing Yourself, here.
[i] Ferreira, L. C., Narciso, I., Novo, R. F., & Pereira, C. R. (2014). Predicting couple satisfaction: the role of differentiation of self, sexual desire and intimacy in heterosexual individuals. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 29 (4), 390–404. doi:10.1080/14681994.2014.957498
[ii] Lampis, J (2016). Does partners’ differentiation of self predict dyadic adjustment? Journal of Family Therapy, 38: 303–318 doi:10.1111/1467-6427.12073
[iii] Peleg, O. (2008). The Relation Between Differentiation of Self and Marital Satisfaction: What Can Be Learned From Married People Over the Course of Life? The American Journal of Family Therapy, 36(5), 388-401. doi:10.1080/01926180701804634
[v] Ferreira, L. C., Narciso, I., Novo, R. F., & Pereira, C. R. (2014). Predicting couple satisfaction: the role of differentiation of self, sexual desire and intimacy in heterosexual individuals. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 29 (4), 390–404. doi:10.1080/14681994.2014.957498
[vi] Lampis, J (2016). Does partners’ differentiation of self predict dyadic adjustment? Journal of Family Therapy, 38: 303–318 doi:10.1111/1467-6427.12073
Amber Price
Amber A. Price has a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development from Brigham Young University and is currently working on her doctorate. Her research interests focus on an individual’s sense of self and how it is associated with intimate relationships such as sexuality and emotional intimacy, with a particular interest in women’s experiences. Amber has been married to Josh for 19 years and they have 4 sons. You can find more from Amber at https://amberaprice.com.