“THE PRIVILEGE OF A LIFETIME IS TO BECOME WHO YOU TRULY ARE.” ~CARL JUNG
What makes you hold back from being your TRUE self in your close relationships? Insecurity, poor body image, a struggling self-esteem? At times we all struggle to be vulnerable and allow our true self to be seen. So often the underlying reason we hold back in our relationships is because we are afraid of what it requires to give our relationship everything we have and the fear of being truly known. If my husband really knows what is in my mind and heart, will he still accept me? The fear of seeing ourselves for who we truly are and having others see us for who we truly are is real, but we can confront that fear and cross the bridge to the world of being genuine and knowable—or in other words, authentic. Imagine for just a moment: In a world where we could truly be authentic, we would not have to pretend, cover our weakness, lie, cover our sorrow and loneliness, and we would not need to struggle with anxiety. We would accept our body, mind, and soul, just as they are.
Authenticity is a process of uncovering our real self; staring our self straight in the eye, seeing all of our imperfections, scars, awkwardness, and inability and being able to say, “I like you. You are a pretty amazing person. You are someone I want to spend time with.” We will always need a willingness to work to become who we want to be, but being authentic can make feeling acceptable now a reality. Once we feel begin feeling comfortable with who we truly are, we can deepen other relationships—parent/child, friendships, or our romantic relationship because we are more comfortable with our self and less scared of being truly seen and known by another.
I love this scene from the Velveteen Rabbit.[i] The Rabbit learns that being real or authentic is a process that is oft times difficult, but always worth it:
“’REAL ISN’T HOW YOU ARE MADE, SAID THE SKIN HORSE. ‘IT’S A THING THAT HAPPENS TO YOU. WHEN A CHILD LOVES YOU FOR A LONG, LONG TIME, NOT JUST TO PLAY WITH, BUT REALLY LOVES YOU, THEN YOU BECOME REAL.”DOES IT HURT?’ ASKED THE RABBIT.
‘SOMETIMES,’ SAID THE SKIN HORSE, FOR HE WAS ALWAYS TRUTHFUL. ‘WHEN YOU ARE REAL YOU DON’T MIND BEING HURT.’
‘DOES IT HAPPEN ALL AT ONCE, LIKE BEING WOUND UP,’ HE ASKED, ‘OR BIT BY BIT?’
‘IT DOESN’T HAPPEN ALL AT ONCE,’ SAID THE SKIN HORSE. ‘YOU BECOME. IT TAKES A LONG TIME. THAT’S WHY IT DOESN’T HAPPEN OFTEN TO PEOPLE WHO BREAK EASILY, OR HAVE SHARP EDGES, OR WHO HAVE TO BE CAREFULLY KEPT. GENERALLY, BY THE TIME YOU ARE REAL, MOST OF YOUR HAIR HAS BEEN LOVED OFF, AND YOUR EYES DROP OUT AND YOU GET LOOSE IN THE JOINTS AND VERY SHABBY. BUT THESE THINGS DON’T MATTER AT ALL, BECAUSE ONCE YOU ARE REAL YOU CAN’T BE UGLY, EXCEPT TO PEOPLE WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND.’”
Becoming more willing to be authentic begins with you. You’re going to need to take some time to examine your own feelings, needs, desires, inclinations, and really understand who you feel like you are at your core and who you want to be. This will take effort over time and might be uncomfortable. You cannot break or give up easily during this process or you will not build the tolerance to be authentic with yourself and others, but it’s also essential to show compassion to yourself as you go through this process. You have to be willing to self-reflect and self-confront to develop the skills needed to see yourself clearly. Sit in the discomfort as you challenge ideas you’ve had about yourself. Are there limitations that you’ve accepted about yourself that you now sense might not be true? Where have you been needlessly critical of yourself—holding yourself to standards that are harmful or unrealistic? If you were your very best friend, speaking gently and generously, what limitations, strengths, and capabilities would you notice about yourself? Sitting in this discomfort and being willing to examine yourself will ultimately make you stronger.
As you become accepting of your flaws and faulty thinking, something happens that allows you to transfer that acceptance and generosity to others. Because you can recognize your own flaws and weaknesses and still feel comfortable with yourself, you can more easily open up and share who you really are, warts and all. And accepting your own flaws helps you see that others are imperfect too and still worthy of connection. In fact, this flawed nature and being willing to share those weaknesses can actually build deeper connection. This is a daily choice. We must commit each day to being authentic.
Research shows that being authentic is linked to better relationship outcomes.[ii] In fact, in a study of intimacy in couples, authenticity was rated as the number one greatest contributor to a deep and intimate connection.[iii] As you openly share yourself, flaws and all, your partner eventually feels safe to do the same. Your partner’s annoying habits become less irritating because you see your partner clearly. You see how far they have come, what they have endured and truly who they are–you can see beyond the superficial things, like how they act in a minute of frustration, or what they say in haste. You see their soul. There is room in your relationship for imperfections. In fact, the imperfections are often what make a relationship beautiful and strong. It’s empowering to feel like in spite of your imperfections, someone loves you and you love them back. And all of this comes because you were brave enough to see your own soul.
We often talk about intimacy as if it is only the happy sharing of thoughts and feelings. But real intimacy comes from authenticity, which includes disclosing both very personal joy and personal pain and allowing these tender emotions to be seen whether they are deemed acceptable or not. We can be open and knowable. Even though that is a vulnerable thing to do, that type of authenticity is what leads to true intimacy.
Developing authenticity takes courage—courage to tell the world this is who you truly are. Once you do, the peace of not living a lie helps you relax. You can see yourself with more compassion. You can also see others with more compassion, which will help you develop more meaningful relationships.
[i] Bianco, Margery Williams, 1881-1944. (2003). The velveteen rabbit : Or how toys become real. Leesburg, VA: GiGi Books,
[ii] Brunell, A. B., Kernis, M. H., Goldman, B. M., Heppner, W., Davis, P., Cascio, E. V., & Webster, G. D. (2010). Dispositional authenticity and romantic relationship functioning. Personality and Individual Differences, 48(8), 900-905.
[iii] Ferreira, L. C., Narciso, I., & Novo, R. (2013). Authenticity, work and change: a qualitative study on couple intimacy. Families, Relationships and Societies, 2(3), 339-354. doi:10.1332/204674313×668569
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.