One of my greatest life lessons came from the mouth of a four-year-old who I will call Nellie. I met Nellie when interviewing children for a research project. The child had to rank five toys. Part of the experiment was that we would gift them the toy they ranked as their least favorite! (Ultimately the child DID receive their favorite toy).Unsurprisingly, I dreaded this part of the experiment because I felt like the Grinch who stole Christmas. Nellie, however, shocked me with her response. She looked at her undesirable toy; looked at me, looked back at the toy, and then proceeded to tell us that we made the world’s biggest mistake and gave her the wrong toy. For the sake of the research, I had to ignore her protests. Impossible. I knew that without a doubt my four-year-old experimental guinea pig was about to burst into tears, and I was to blame.
However, Nellie’s subsequent behavior taught me a beautiful lesson. She whispered to herself, “Ok. It’s ok. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Stay calm.” This experiment was intended to disrupt young children’s expectations when they received their least desirable toy. Nellie, however, was in complete control. She calmly demonstrated to me the power of mindfulness amidst the most distressing and disappointing circumstances.
What I learned from Nellie was that the power of mindfulness reaches beyond simply regulating a troubled heart and can instead transform hearts within relationships, which may be most important within marital relationships
Marriage Stressors
Despite the obvious joys, marriage can also be a time fraught with a variety of stressful situations and inevitable disappointments. Miscommunications, financial issues, children, work, everyday living, and sex are just a few examples of an extensive list of possible marital stressors that may quickly take marital bliss to a place of irritability, anger, apathy, sadness, and real dissatisfaction. So, how can a couple better approach these struggles?
The answer may lie in Nellie’s simple story. The practice of mindfulness may conjure up images of “hippies” trying to reach their state of Zen. Let’s turn to research to dispel that misconception.
What is Mindfulness?
Mindfulness can be described as “an awareness that is purposeful, nonreactive, nonjudgmental, and attuned to the present moment.” It is this awareness that leads to very positive outcomes within a marriage! Research has found that partners who can respond to stressors with non-reactivity as opposed to blaming, emotionally detaching themselves, or avoiding, have much higher marital satisfaction. Interestingly, rather than the actual stressors being the cause of contention, a person responding to stressors determines the level of contention. Research showed that spouses who are aware of emotions, feelings, and thoughts, are more likely to respond patiently and lovingly to their partner. As partners in a marriage are more intentional and mindful, they invite more kindness, empathy, acceptance, and positive communication within the marriage.
Forgiveness
A psychologist, Frank Fincham cautioned, “If you’re going to have a relationship, you are going to be hurt by your partner.” Sometimes relationships seem hopelessly damaged and it feels like it is too late to mend the broken past. However, there is hope. Research showed that mindfulness isn’t just a skill to avoid unwanted emotions, offense, and judgment. It helps resolve existing hurts that have developed–even in the past–through management of these reactions.
Daily Mindfulness
How does mindfulness look in daily life? Simple activities like daily meditation, breathing exercises, acceptance of thoughts, intentional nature walks, exercise, bring attention and awareness to the moment. Incorporating these skills allow partners to see each other in a new light, which provides a fresh narrative.
As one partner becomes more mindful, the other may follow. For example, if I practice mindfulness, I will gain more compassion and understanding because I have learned to set aside judgmental thoughts. When my spouse irritates me, I can be compassionate and seek to understand and forgive. As a result, my spouse may feel encouraged and moved to react similarly. Partners may feel an invitation to redirect their thoughts of anger and irritation, which likely leads to healing in the relationship.
Next time you face disappointment or frustration, follow the simple example of sweet Nellie. “Breathe in. Breathe out.” A mindful mind is a mind full of love. Taking the time to develop this skill will benefit you and your spouse.
Annie Johnson is a Family Life undergrad student who transferred from BYU-Hawaii. She has been inspired by how research can lead to positive changes in individuals, groups, and cultures that can result in greater unity and understanding grounded in eternal gospel principles. She plans to become a marriage and family therapist and then pursue a Ph.D. in Healthy Sexuality with a focus on improved education of youth and young adults, as well as studying the benefits of healthy sexuality and the implications of such within a marriage. She is from Woodlands, Texas.
