A couple of years ago, with my 40th upcoming birthday staring me in the face, I decided to make the month of September my “get out of your comfort zone” month. I realized that I was living contentedly; I was doing things because I was good at them and they were easy—but not taking any risks or challenging myself. My kids were now all in school fulltime and I was feeling a tug to stretch myself a little more, so I decided to challenge myself that month.
I didn’t go into the month anticipating large changes. I figured I’d try a new food or talk to someone I’d never talked to. I tried new workouts at the gym. When I was asked to lead the music at church, I said “yes” for the first time ever. I tried a new style of clothing. I’d always liked long cardigans but hadn’t ever worn one and now was my big chance.
But as the month progressed and my willingness to stretch myself gained momentum, the changes got bigger than I’d anticipated. By the end of the month, I found myself making some needed relationship changes. I also decided to apply for graduate school (I really didn’t see that coming). If my pre-September self could have seen my post-September self, I think she would have been shocked.
Now, most months aren’t filled with such large changes, even if you are working to get out of your comfort zone. Most changes are small, (though still valuable). In the months since that crazy September, I feel more comfortable actively stretching myself, though the changes aren’t turning my life upside-down in the same way.
But I learned something that I didn’t expect as I stretched myself. The more I reached to develop myself, the more my relationship with my husband deepened. I found that I had more to talk about and share at the end of the day because of my new challenges. I also valued my husband’s support more than ever. As I stretched myself, my husband also gained momentum in stretching and challenging himself as well and these personal efforts to grow gave us an opportunity to cheer each other on.
What I know now and what research backs, is that when we engage in expanding activities and experiences, we may also strengthen our relationships. Research shows that couples who try new activities together experience more happiness in their relationship and increase their sexual desire.[i] Whether it’s trying new things as a couple or trying new things yourself, you will grow and your relationship will benefit. Individuals who invest in their own learning, hobbies, and personal growth (while of course still balancing this with caring for their spouse and family) have more emotional energy to invest in connecting with others. One reason for this improvement to your relationship is that when you try new things as a couple, you have a chance to break up the routine, see your spouse through new eyes, and get a boost of excitement in your life.[ii] The newness reenergizes you and your relationship.
Marriage and sex therapist Esther Perel[iii] teaches that individuals in a couple need to belong to themselves and not just to each other. It’s hard to desire something that you already have, so if a person feels like every choice, every action is connected to their spouse, this can weaken relationship satisfaction and sexual desire. It is, of course, a great thing to be closely connected and to appreciate each other, but couples also need space to be individuals. Then, when they come back together at the end of the day, there is more to talk about and connect on and more fulfillment on an individual level, which will draw a couple closer together.
It’s also important to know that when you stretch yourself and get out of your comfort zone, you may lose some of the inhibitions that might be preventing you from fully and authentically relating with others. As you gain confidence in yourself, you might become more willing to let others see you as you truly are, and this is an important part of intimate connections. It can feel scary and hard at first, but the outcomes are worth it.
Is it time to get out of your comfort zone and try something new? Is there something you’ve secretly been interested in, but you’ve been too afraid or haven’t made the time to try?
Several months after my “get out of your comfort zone” experiment I mustered up the courage to try a Zumba class for my first time . . . a small step outside my comfort zone . . . and I loved it. My husband and I went and got “fish pedicures” for a date night and then tried a new dessert place. I’m now in school and stretching myself endlessly as I learn new things (like statistics–what on earth?!). All of these things and so many more are an opportunity to discover new things about myself and to connect more deeply with my husband. And it’s amazing.
What can you do this month to get out of your comfort zone and take your relationship to a new level?
[i] Muise, A., Harasymchuk, C., Day, L. C., Bacev-Giles, C., Gere, J., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Broadening your horizons: Self-expanding activities promote desire and satisfaction in established romantic relationships. J Pers Soc Psychol, 116(2), 237-258. doi:10.1037/pspi0000148
[ii] Aron, E. N., & Aron, A. (1996). Love and the expansion of the self: The state of the model. Personal Relationships, 3, 45–58.
[iii] Perel, E. (2007). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. New York, NY: Harper.
Amber Price
Amber A. Price has a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development from Brigham Young University and is currently working on her doctorate. Her research interests focus on an individual’s sense of self and how it is associated with intimate relationships such as sexuality and emotional intimacy, with a particular interest in women’s experiences. Amber has been married to Josh for 19 years and they have 4 sons. You can find more from Amber at https://amberaprice.com.