Can Religion Bless My Sex Life?

It almost seems like common sense: There are enough religious thou shalt nots surrounding sex that “going to the chapel” will inevitably lead to sexual problems. And it’s true that religion often lays the ground rules for the who, when, where, and sometimes even the what of appropriate sexual behaviors. Many institutionalized religions encourage waiting until marriage to begin a sexual relationship, and once married, sexual faithfulness to a spouse is expected thereafter. Our hunch about religion being limiting for sex might in some ways be true. Social science research has indicated that religious expectations about sex can lead to outcomes like having sex less[i]^,[ii] and even daydreaming about it less.[iii]

However, sitting in a pew doesn’t always lead to dampened sexual passion. There is a lot of research evidence that being religious can enhance sex, and that’s been found for a majority of religious couples. In fact, religion may have something to do with the why of sex. Why does sex mean what it does to the religious individual and the couple? Trying to figure out why religion can be both positive and negative for sex is something social scientists are still working on unraveling. Although the mechanisms aren’t fully understood, there are at least three possible explanations for the fact that religious couples often report having better sex than their less-religious counterparts.

1. THE COUPLE THAT PRAYS TOGETHER

Part of the magic of improved sex for religious couples might be found in couple prayer. Couple prayer has been found to be a supportive behavior that improves couple relationships,[iv] and hearing your spouse connecting to God on your behalf can be a tender and bonding experience. It appears that when couple prayer focuses on gratitude for each other, forgiveness, and encouragement for one another,[v] it helps create a context of couple unity that can then bless the sexual relationship.

2. GOING TO THE CHAPEL

Across the globe there is a move away from institutionalized religion, with more people claiming to be spiritual but not religious. Interestingly, however, spirituality alone doesn’t create the positive outcomes for sex that religion does. People who attended church were found to be having better sex than those who claimed that spirituality was important to them.[vi] Part of that might be a result of virtue teaching that takes place at church. Learning about gratitude, love, sacrifice, and forgiveness at church has been tied to many areas of human flourishing,[vii] and those virtues can translate into better sex. Religious couples can also often tap into the protective power that religious faith and community can offer them in terms of personal and community expectations of sexual fidelity.

3. IT’S ALL IN HOW YOU LOOK AT IT

Some of the most exciting new research on sex and religion has to do with sexual sanctification. Sexual sanctification means embracing what religion has to offer sex (instead of diminishing it) by placing your sexual relationship in a divine context, and believing that sex is a divine power that bonds a couple together.[viii] Sexual sanctification can add meaning to sex that goes above and beyond physical pleasure and that reaches a higher emotional and spiritual plane. In fact, most religions preach the positive bonding power that sex can have for married couples–offering meaning to sex above and beyond procreation. So rather than trying to separate sex and religion, bringing them together creates the best outcome. Social science scholars explain the positive outcomes for religious couples [ix] Religious couples set themselves up for reaching transcendent sexual heights.

REACHING TRANSCENDENCE

Although at first glance it might seem like religion and sex are at odds with each other, it can be useful to realize some of the fundamental the similarities between religion and sex—things you might be good at in one arena that can improve your participation in another. First, both religion and sex are concerned with connection to the other: in religion we aim to connect with the divine, and in sex we aim to connect with a cherished partner. Second, both emphasize the importance of love. Love leads to the best sex, and love is the highest and holiest part of almost all religions. Third, both are powers that tap into both our bodies and spirits, aiming to create a balance between the two that can strengthen relationships. Being religious in and of itself might already contain valuable lessons about having a better sexual relationship. You can also improve your sex life if you are able to tune in to the thou shalt messages given about sex in your religion. For example, consider this simple, powerful, sex-positive statement found in the Catechism of the Catholic Church: “Sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure.”[x]

We tend to hear the thou shalt nots more clearly than the thou shalts when it comes to religion and sex. Sometimes the restrictive messages are preached with more vigor, but in most religions, the positive power of sex is preached as well. Finding those powerful positive messages in your own faith can be a useful exercise—and finding out what your religion truly preaches about sex can typically be a liberating, empowering experience. When you place your sex life in a divine space, you tap into a power to connect with your spouse that goes beyond the two of you. Ultimately, going to the chapel can be great for your sex life, especially when you utilize the power of couple prayer, church attendance, and sexual sanctification to help you reach more transcendent sexual heights.

[i] Farmer, M. A., Trapnell, P. D., & Meston, C. M. (2009). The relation between sexual behavior and religiosity subtypes: A test of the secularization hypothesis. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 38, 852-65.

[ii] Rigo, C., & Saroglou, V. (2018). Religiosity and sexual behavior: Tense relationships and underlying affects and cognitions in samples of Christian and Muslim traditions. Archive for the Psychology of Religion/Archiv Für Religionpsychologie, 40, 176-201.

[iii] Ahrold, T. K., Farmer, M., Trapnell, P. D., & Meston, C. M. (2011). The relationship among sexual attitudes, sexual fantasy, and religiosity. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 40, 619–630. 4

[iv] Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., LaVallee, D. C., & Brantley, C. W. (2012). Praying together and staying together: Couple prayer and trust. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 4, 1–9.

[v] Kelley, H. H., Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2019). Uniting and dividing influences of religion in marriage among highly religious couples. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality.

[vi] Clarke, R. W. (2020, Not Published). Going to the Chapel: What Religion Can Teach Everyone About Having Better Sex.

[vii] VanderWeele, T. J. (2017). Religious communities and human flourishing. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 26(5), 476–481.

[viii] Hernandez, K. M., Mahoney, A., & Pargament, K. I. (2013). Sexuality and religion. In D. L. Tolman & L. M. Diamond (Eds.), APA Handbook of sexuality and psychology. Vol. 2: Contextual approaches (pp. 425-447). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

[ix] Leonhardt, N. D., Busby, D. M., & Willoughby, B. J. (2019). Sex guilt or sanctification? The indirect role of religiosity on sexual satisfaction. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, p. 8.

[x] https://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_P86.HTM