During a conflict with my husband, we took a short break to calm down. I sat on the edge of our bed waiting for him to return, feeling anger and frustration boiling in my toes, rising through my body, and consuming my mind. I knew I loved him and didn’t want to feel so upset. Taking a deep breath, I started to notice the tension in my chest, shoulders, and face. I realized that I’d been taking shallow breaths and that I was feeling hungry, too. Although the conflict hadn’t magically vanished, I felt my anger deflate as I scanned my body. Calming your body is just one way mindfulness can help resolve conflict.
Many psychologists today are studying how mindfulness can improve different aspects of mental health and relational health. You might have heard that mindfulness requires clearing your head. While that may sound intimidating, mindfulness simply means focusing on the present moment, how is your body feeling right now—and it’s possible for anyone. If you’re like most people, you’ve felt angry with a romantic partner. Consider trying a mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness can help in three important ways: shaping healthy self-understanding, promoting emotional regulation, and decreasing your sense of reliance on your partner’s conflict resolution skills.
Shaping Self-Understanding
Mindfulness can ease tense emotions during conflict and change the way that you see yourself. Studies have found that mindfulness is closely related to self-compassion, a skill that involves treating yourself with patience and kindness [i]. People who are more self-compassionate appear to show less aggressive behavior towards their romantic partners [i]. This might happen because when people feel gentleness and kindness towards themselves, they are more likely to treat other people with that same sense of compassionate care, preventing arguments from escalating into verbal or physical aggression.
Mindfulness also might change your self-view and improve your romantic relationships by allowing you to see the good in the relationship and talk more openly about what troubles you. This means that as you practice mindfulness before conflict arises, focusing on love and compassion for your partner, the relationship connection is strengthened. People who see themselves as a key part of their romantic relationship rather than completely independent also tend to show less aggression towards their partners [v], likely because preserving a relationship is recognized as an integral part of your identity.
Promoting Emotion Regulation
Mindful practices like observing, describing, and cultivating a nonjudgemental attitude can help romantic partners learn how to calm themselves. Notice what you feel. Name it. Tell your partner in as much detail as possible what you are experiencing.
A recent study examined people with high mindfulness skills and noted that mindful people experience normal increases in cortisol (a stress-related hormone) during an argument, but their cortisol levels decreased faster than those with lower mindfulness after the conflict ended [ii]. This research indicates that an individual’s mindfulness skills may help them to get “unstuck” from negative emotions like anger and stress. More simply put, mindful people can still experience and express anger but have a heightened ability to control it and resolve it [iv].
Decreasing Reliance on Your Partner’s Skills
Many people like to blame their partner for problems in the marriage but focusing on what you can change is always a better practice. Mindfulness can empower you to create your own happiness. Women who are more mindful of pleasure during sexual experiences, as compared to less mindful women, tend to have more sexual satisfaction, despite unresolved conflicts [iii]. The power of mindfulness applies not only to sexual satisfaction, but to relationship satisfaction. So, whether you experience conflict in your sexual or romantic relationship, use mindfulness. If your partner doesn’t choose to practice, you can still progress in creating more stillness and peace in your life. You don’t need a partner’s help or participation to be mindful and appreciate the good in any moment [iii].
Even though anger, frustration, and conflict are all normal parts of life, don’t stay angry. Mindfulness meditations can alter your self-perception, give you the gift of emotional control, and renew your sense of personal control as you pursue peace and connection with the people you love. Over time, becoming more mindful can improve your outlook on the world and contribute to secure and meaningful relationships.
[i] Fuchs, D. E., Fleischmann, M. H., Wisener, M., & Khoury, B. (2024). The relationship between mindfulness facets, self-compassion, and aggression in young adult women. Current Psychology: A Journal for Diverse Perspectives on Diverse Psychological Issues, 43(6), 5443–5450. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-023-04732-9 [ii] Laurent, H. K., Hertz, R., Nelson, B., & Laurent, S. M. (2016). Mindfulness during romantic conflict moderates the impact of negative partner behaviors on cortisol responses. Hormones and Behavior, 79, 45–51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.yhbeh.2016.01.005 [iii] Smedley, D. K., Leavitt, C. E., Allsop, D. B., Nance, M., James, S. L., & Holmes, E. K. (2021). Mindfulness and sexual mindfulness as moderators between conflict resolution and sexual and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 47(8), 814–828. https://doi-org.byu.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/0092623X.2021.1958962 [iv] Smorti, M., Alsancak-Akbulut, C., Soffio, F., & Berrocal Montiel, C. (2024). Mindfulness and romantic relationship quality: Mediating effects on different facets of anger. European Journal of Developmental Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1080/17405629.2024.2384668 [v] Yang, T., & Yang, J. (2021). Unraveling the effect of mindfulness on romantic relational aggression: A multiple mediation model. Personality and Individual Differences, 173. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.110613
Eden Sweeney is a senior at Brigham Young University studying psychology. She is passionate about mindfulness, conflict resolution, and sexual education, and plans to pursue a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy after she graduates next year. Outside of school, she loves to paint, travel, and spend time with her husband and her cat.