Early in John and Jenn’s marriage, John didn’t realize the need to take sex slow for Jenn to feel enough arousal and to experience an orgasm. Instead, they fell into a routine where Jenn accommodated John’s quicker arousal and when she didn’t orgasm, she told herself it didn’t really matter, if John was happy, she was happy. The truth is it does matter. Making sure both partners get what they need is a basic requirement that far too many couples overlook. A lot of men and even many women have bought into a male-centric sex life. Let me be very clear, I am not criticizing men. I am, however, criticizing a system where we continue to allow and buy-in to that lopsided perspective.
Women have begun to realize it’s all right to ask for and even insist on getting what they need within a sexual interaction. I always encourage women to continue to learn to speak up for their needs. Sometimes a quickie is really fun for both parties, but often (and this is especially true for women), one of the partners needs a little more time to feel enough arousal or a little more emotional connection to create the needed meaning for satisfaction.
The Power of Compassion
How can being compassionate address these kinds sexual struggles? Here’s a simple definition of compassion: an “awareness of the suffering of another, coupled with the wish to relieve iti” as well as an “unselfish concern for the welfare of others.” Compassion includes emotions such as empathy, commiseration, leniency, or tolerance, and is combined with a need to be accessible and responsive.
When we experience problems within our sexual relationship, compassion allows us to respond with understanding and connection, instead of accusation and distance. And let’s face it, because sex is so complex there is a lot of room for misunderstanding. Consequently, compassion is essential for two people to maintain a deeply intimate relationship.
Although no research has directly examined compassion and sexual well-being, a couple of studies found that compassion reduces sexual distressii. My research team wanted to address this gap in our understanding of how compassion works in a sexual relationship, so we examined how a host of compassionate attitudes and behaviors (mindfulness, attachment, forgiveness, and gratitude) might relate to several markers of sexual well-being (sexual frequency, sexual satisfaction, sexual harmony, and sexual mindfulness)iii.
What we found really delighted us. This new research showed that when we feel greater compassion, every sexual marker registered at a higher level. We call those actor effects, which means how I live my life makes a difference in what I experience. But here are the really compelling findings: When a man or woman reported being more forgiving and grateful, their partner reported feeling more satisfaction with sex. We call those partner effects. The reason partner effects are so wonderful is that it validates what we all experience—sex is an interactive, complex relationship. How we treat each other outside of the bedroom impacts what we experience within the bedroom. We each want to be loved as a whole person, not just because we can turn someone on.
Practical Compassion
In a practical way, compassion may help Jenn and John look at their sexual interactions differently. Compassion may help John to really see Jenn—her needs, her insecurities, her struggles to express herself. Compassion may help Jenn see that John is good-hearted but has adopted some harmful messages and that if she challenged those ideas, he may really embrace the opportunity to change his assumptions. Just these small adjustments in how partners see each other can make significant shifts in their sexual experience.
Compassion helps us be a good friend to ourselves and our partners. We may make a gentler assessment when our partner is late for a dinner date. We can realize our partner had a discouraging day when they make some hurtful comment. We can be available to just listen. Compassion is not giving our partner a free pass for bad behavior. Compassion is being generous but also holding our partner accountable in a measured way.
Challenge yourself to use more compassion:
- Notice small things you partner does and tell them how much that means to you.
- Bring up some issue and take responsibility for your part in it.
- Notice how well you listen. Try to be more affirming when your partner is sharing ideas or concerns.
- Keep a gratitude journal and share it occasionally with your partner.
- Pay attention to your breath for five minutes before responding to a hurtful comment.