Here are some exercises that you can try with your partner to increase your mindfulness. Try to practice for the suggested time, but work up to these suggested minimal times if it seems too difficult at first. Take it at your own pace and talk openly with your spouse about how each particular exercise makes you feel, or what thoughts come to mind. These are intended to bring couples closer together, create deeper bonds and greater intimacy.
MINDFUL EMBRACE (AT LEAST 5 MINUTES, BUT TRY FOR LONGER)
Stand with your weight supported and loosely embrace your partner. Allow full body contact if comfortable. Do not talk while embraced. Keep your mind’s eye focused on your breathing and remain aware of your body and your partner’s body.
What part of your body does your mind take you to?
How do you feel within your partner’s embrace?
What does the space between you feel like?
Face each other and talk about what your thoughts and impressions that arose from your embrace. You may or may not want to continue touching by holding hands or hugging.
MINDFUL WALKING (30+ MINUTES)
Think of a topic (it can be a problem or a goal you want to address). Walk without touching and pay attention to your breathing. Feel the rhythm of your pace. Relax your shoulders and neck. Breathe deeply and regularly. After 10 minutes of setting your pace and focusing on breath, tell your partner what you are wanting to talk about. Remain focused on breathing regularly and deeply. Use kind communication with an aim to understand your partner’s present thoughts. Keep the conversation present-focused. After the walk, take time to embrace and connect.
MUTUAL GAZE MINDFULNESS (20 MINUTES)
Lie down on your side and face your partner in a comfortable position. Look at each other’s face and, if possible, keep eye contact. Holding someone’s gaze helps to synchronize brainwaves.
You may talk about how you presently feel or what thoughts come to your mind. Creating shared attention is important in all social contacts, but particularly for intimate relationships.
What emotions or thoughts come to mind as you maintain eye contact?
MINDFUL HAND HOLDING (10 MINUTES)
Sit facing each other and hold hands. Each partner takes a turn being the giver and the receiver. The giver thinks of sending loving thoughts to the receiver. Keep your breath in a regular, deep pace. Think of loving thoughts to send to the receiver. After the giver has focused on the receiver for about 5 minutes, stop. The receiver can then tell the giver how they felt.
What thoughts or feeling came to them during this exercise?
Then, switch roles. The giver is now the receiver. This can be also be done causally, such as while driving in the car or simply sitting next to each other.
COMPASSIONATE MINDFULNESS (WE CAN EXPERIENCE THIS MEDITATION AS A MOMENTARY MEDITATION, AS A PRACTICE FOR 15 MINUTES, OR AS A STATE OF BEING)
This meditation can be done while walking or sitting. Regulate your breathing and clear your thoughts.
Imagine people you love. Imagine that they are on each side of you. Repeat the words in your mind “May I feel peace. May I feel love. May I live with happiness.” Now think of a person you love. Send them kind thoughts by repeating “May you feel peace. May you feel love.” Continue this focus for about two minutes.
Now think of a person who you know but to whom you have no particular feelings. Repeat these kind thoughts “Just as I wish to, may you live with ease. Just as I wish to, may you live with happiness. Just as I wish to, may you feel peace and love.”
Now expand your awareness and picture all of humanity in front of you. Send kind thought to all living beings on the earth, who, like you, want to be happy: “Just as I wish to, may you live with ease, happiness, and good health.”
Take a deep breath in. And breathe out. Take one more deep breath in and let it go. Notice the state of your mind and how you feel after this meditation.
SILENCE AS MEDITATION
This activity is most useful if the couple has good communication patterns already. For this activity choose a timeframe in which both partners will enter a space of silence and introspection (could be an hour or a day). Many activities can be done together during this time of silence. Couples can eat together and notice the texture and feel of their food. Notice how the food fills your body and how it makes you feel afterward. A couple can take a mindful walk and notice the rhythm of their pace, the strength of their step, the energy of being with their partner in silence. The point of the activity of to assess your own inner response.
How do you emotionally or physically respond in silence?
What thoughts seems to surface?
How connected do you feel to your partner when no words are spoken? How does your affection ebb or flow during a period of silence?
Can you create love with no words exchanged?
Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. —Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.