Recently there’s been a little buzz about weaponized incompetence. Weaponized incompetence occurs when you find yourself “pretending to be incapable or insufficient at some task so that someone else will do it for you,” according to Carrie Kraweic, LMFT.[i] This behavior takes a toll on any relationship. Let’s examine this weaponized or strategic incompetence and other types of incompetence or competence and see where mindfulness may interrupt this relationship-choking behavior.
What is Competence?
Competence is the ability to decide, act, and learn in a given context.[ii] Sounds straight forward, but it can be a little nuanced. Here are a few of the levels of in/competence we may experience:
Unconscious incompetence means I don’t know what I don’t know, or I am unaware of my lack of knowledge.
Conscious incompetence means I know that there is something I don’t know. I may be curious about what I don’t know.
Conscious competence means I know what I know. Here is where I feel a little confidence in my knowledge. I have some understanding and it is empowering.
Unconscious competence means I don’t know what I know because what I know is more instinctual. This level of knowledge comes when I don’t even need to think about skills or processes, and they are habituated. I may even forget how I learned what I know, it is just part of who I have become.
Competence and Incompetence in Romantic Relationships
In a romantic relationship, we can be at any of these levels of understanding. If, however, we are strategically avoid responsibility, we may weaponize incompetence. Have you ever acted like you didn’t hear the kids yelling for help so that your partner would solve the problem? Have you ever ignored the clogged sink so that you didn’t have to be the one to unclog it?
If this tactic has crept into your relationship, mindfulness may help. Mindfulness is as simple as slowing down your breath and relaxing your thoughts to try to stay in this moment. Mindfulness is not a passive attitude of acceptance of poor behavior from ourselves or our partner. Nor is it acquiescence to unreasonable expectations. Instead, mindfulness challenges thoughts and behaviors, interactions and motivations. Mindful people create a balanced response to their beloved. Mindful partners become aware of detail, emotion, and behavior that previously escaped their notice and can thereby raise questions to their partner about behavior and motivations.
Encouraging Mindfulness to Encourage Competence
It’s hard to help someone who is unaware of their incompetence (mindlessness). But encouraging mindfulness—like paying attention to the present moment, begins the process of noticing emotions, motives, and nuance that was previously invisible.
If I am aware that I am lacking some skill or wisdom, here is where mindfulness may have a strong impact in my life. I know I am missing something and want to become more aware. I may feel motivated to learn how to be more aware and still.
Mindfully Skilled Responses
If you or your partner has ever pretended to be incompetence to avoid responsibility, here are a few mindful tips :
- Mindfulness encourages perseverance. Mindfulness promotes metacognitive awareness, decreases rumination[iii] and increases attention.[iv] I incapacitate others when I do the work they could and should do. Don’t rescue others in situations that they can work out of themselves.
- Mindfulness encourages collaboration. When we slow down, we can see others’ perspective and use more empathy.[v],[vi] Work together to confront the problem, not the person. Remember you might be making unwarranted assumptions. Your partner may be unconsciously incompetent and accusing them of intentional or strategic incompetence would be hurtful and not resolve the confusion.
- Mindfulness allows us to accept differences. Mindful people are able to allow for different learning and communicating styles.[vii] For example, I send my spouse to the grocery store for a list of items:
- Milk
- Cookies
- Bread
- Baking soda
I might think they have been strategically incompetent when they come home with 1 gallon of milk, 2 bags of cookies, 3 loaves of bread, and 4 boxes of baking soda. However, my partner may be a literal or linear thinker. Slowing down and seeing each other’s perspective is one way being mindful helps relationships.[viii]
- Mindfulness helps me praise efforts and avoid blame. It takes a little awareness to notice when my partner makes an effort to share in the responsibilities of the relationship. Praising these efforts will go a long way in changing behavior. Recent research indicated that repeated compliments do not lose value.[ix] In fact, we likely underestimate the value of repeated compliments. Mindfully notice all the good you can and openly praise those efforts.
If you question whether your partner is trying to bamboozle you by pretending to not know how to do something, ask, don’t blame. Maybe there is a legitimate misunderstanding. Slow the process down by using mindfulness to see your partner’s perspective and to be firm about what we want and do not want, without coloring our comments with biased thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness will help you and your partner create peace by moving from unconscious incompetence to conscious competence.
[i] https://www.birminghammaple.com/carrie-krawiec-lmft/
[ii] Franz, H. W., Kaletka, C., Pelka, B., & Sarcina, R. (2018). Growing experience: From unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence. In Building Leadership in Project and Network Management (pp. 209-226). Springer, Cham.
[iii] Hassannejad Emamchay, M., & Zabihi, R. (2021). The effect of mindfulness-based stress reducing program on tolerance of ambiguity, rumination, and metacognitive awareness in infertile women. British Journal of Guidance & Counselling, 1-10.
[iv] Yang, M., Jia, G., Sun, S., Ye, C., Zhang, R., & Yu, X. (2019). Effects of an online mindfulness intervention focusing on attention monitoring and acceptance in pregnant women: a randomized controlled trial. Journal of midwifery & women’s health, 64(1), 68-77.
[v] Cheang, R., Gillions, A., & Sparkes, E. (2019). Do mindfulness-based interventions increase empathy and compassion in children and adolescents: A systematic review. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 28(7), 1765-1779.
[vi] Cooper, D., Yap, K., & O’Brien, M. (2020). Mindfulness and empathy among counseling and psychotherapy professionals: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Mindfulness, 11(10), 2243-2257.
[vii] Karremans, J. C., Schellekens, M. P., & Kappen, G. (2017). Bridging the sciences of mindfulness and romantic relationships: A theoretical model and research agenda. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 21(1), 29-49.
[viii] Karremans, J. C., Schellekens, M. P., & Kappen, G. (2017). Bridging the sciences of mindfulness and romantic relationships: A theoretical model and research agenda. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 21(1), 29-49.
[ix] Zhao, X., & Epley, N. (2021). Kind words do not become tired words: Undervaluing the positive impact of frequent compliments. Self and Identity, 20(1), 25-46.