In ancient Iran, there was a ceremony commonly known as Ajil-e Moshgel Gosha, which literally means, “problem-solving nuts.” This ceremony was performed by women who had sexual concerns like infertility, low sex drive, or a dissatisfied husband. The ceremony was performed by the woman buying a sizable number of nuts at the market, packaging them carefully, and distributing the packages among people in the mosque. She would then pray and ask God to give her a divine blessing.
This story paints a clear picture of Iranian’s stance on the subject of sex. Problems with sex are most often seen as a physical problem, the solutions to the problems are unclear, and they are almost always attributed to women. Women in Iran are blamed for infertility, lack of desire, and the inability to gratify their husband’s sexual desires.
Even in modern-day Iran, perspectives on sex have not changed much. Most people are reluctant to discuss sexual subjects and information about sex is usually sought secretly from friends and relatives or the internet. Many still believe in superstitions and unhealthy personal experiences rather than research. This lack of understanding and knowledge means that Iranians tend to struggle with unhealthy sexual attitudes [1]. This lack of understanding and false information, along with unhealthy attitudes towards sex leads to a host of sexual problems including sexual disorders. Dealing with these problems is further complicated by feelings of shyness, anxiety, inefficiency, and guilt relating to sex [2]. In Iran, about fifty to sixty percent of divorce cases are due to sexual problems and related sexual disorders[3].
LEARNING FROM EACH OTHER ABOUT THE PROBLEM
No matter the culture or country, sexual problems often stem from a variety of psychological factors that then manifest themselves physically, and Iran is no exception to this. First, [2] misunderstanding desire, the sexual response cycle, and unrealistic expectations can impede sexual functioning [2]. Second, an obsession with controlling and self (or partner) evaluation can trigger anxiety during sex [2]. Third, sexual dissatisfaction can promote an obsession with having “ideal sex,” and these unhelpful sexual fantasies can interfere with daily activities [4].
These are factors in Iran, and unfortunately, they often affect women. The prevalence of female sexual disorders in different age groups has been reported to be between 31 and 72% [5]. A large part of these disorders might be culturally based. Iranian women grow up in a way that dictates sex must be initiated by men, whereas the expression of sexual desire by women is viewed as promiscuity. Women who want to play a more active role during sex tend to suppress their instincts due to these biased cultural beliefs [6] and beliefs surrounding femininity in general. Anxious attachment to a husband is also problematic because an anxiously attached wife will often go to great lengths to preserve her relationship at the expense of her own esteem or desires [2, 7]. For example, many of these women claim to engage in sexual practices they’d prefer not to in order to please their husbands. When women ask their husbands to engage in more foreplay with them, husbands may decline to do so [2]. Regardless of the causes, evidence shows that 37% of women suffer from a lack of sexual pleasure. Sadly, only 2% discuss their sexual problems with an expert [8].
It doesn’t need to be this way. There are effective, researched, and simple solutions to most sexual problems. The ability to experience pleasure and orgasm during sex is developmental, meaning these are skills we can learn. Much of sexual pleasure is influenced by perception of the body and stress levels. Evidence shows that most people have trouble staying focused and avoiding distraction during sex [4]. However, evidence also shows that when individuals received mindfulness therapy, they manifested greater enjoyment and self-esteem during sex [6].
SEXUAL MINDFULNESS: A SOLUTION
One of the solutions that has been effective in dealing with sexual issues around the world and in Iran is mindfulness. Sexual mindfulness is a person’s ability to stay aware and avoid judgment during sex [9]. This method helps people to remain conscious, focused, and ignore any negative thoughts that spontaneously appear. Moreover, sexual mindfulness opens the mind to thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment, which stops us from evaluating ourselves and our partners [10]. In fact, an additional benefit of practicing sexual mindfulness is that the mind learns to stay alert not just during sex but throughout the day. [11]. Finally, it is especially useful that mindfulness exercises are affordable (free!), do not require special tools, and are enjoyable [12]. Additionally, mindfulness requires no partner buy-in. We can take charge of how we experience our day-to-day life as well as our sexual relationship.
Sexual mindfulness also plays a vital role in women’s self-confidence. Iranian women who practice sexual mindfulness state that they no longer felt embarrassed asking their husband to engage in sex [6]. Mindfulness interventions have a significant effect on women’s self-awareness of their body and in overcoming the social assumption that they have primarily to fulfill their husbands’ urges rather than satisfy their own needs [10]. In other words, mindful people are able to be aware of their own needs and desires and can communicate these desires to their partner in a loving way. [3]
Sexual mindfulness is a gentle, individual practice that may help break taboos about sex in Iranian society (and other countries too). Men and women become more accepting of themselves and more connected in their relationship when they practice these simple ideas. Today, sexual mindfulness can replace “Ajil-e Moshgel Gosha,” practiced in ancient Iranian society. How wonderful would it be if couples learned sexual mindfulness instead of the shame our societies so often promote? Willem Floor [13] said the nature, diversity, and problems of sexual relations in Iran over the centuries are not much different from sexual relations in other countries. Happily, sexual mindfulness can be a cross-cultural concept for solving problems and attitudes and misconceptions about sex around the world.
Ehsan Khorasani received a bachelor’s degree in Child Psychology and a master’s degree in Family Counseling from Ferdowsi University in Mashhad, Iran. He has been working as a couple therapist for about a year and a half. His research focus is on how relationship and sexual mindfulness can have a significant positive effect on romantic relationships.
References
- Alimoradi, Z., et al., Social media addiction and sexual dysfunction among Iranian women: The mediating role of intimacy and social support. Journal of behavioral addictions, 2019. 8(2): p. 318-325.
- Sharifi, M., et al., Sexual dynamics of married women with interpersonal dependency: A qualitative study on Iranian women. Psychopathology, 2017. 50(4): p. 231-238.
- Soqanloo, R.S., S. Vaziri, and F.L. Kashani, Effectiveness of sex mindfulness training on sexual satisfaction of married women. J Nov Appl Sci, 2015. 4(9): p. 1007-1011.
- Halvaiepour, Z., et al., Developing Cognitive Bias Modification Scenarios for Women with Sexual Interest Arousal Disorder and Comparing Effectiveness with Mindfulness Therapy. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 2020: p. 1-12.
- Ahmadnia, E., A. Haseli, and A. Karamat, Therapeutic interventions conducted on improving women’s sexual satisfaction and function during reproductive ages in Iran: a systematic review. Journal of Mazandaran University of Medical Sciences, 2017. 27(153): p. 146-162.
- Bagherzadeh, R., et al., Effect of Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Training on Revealing Sexual Function in Iranian Women with Breast Cancer. Sexuality and Disability, 2020: p. 1-17.
- Kimmes, J.G., et al., Mindfulness in the context of romantic relationships: Initial development and validation of the Relationship Mindfulness Measure. Journal of marital and family therapy, 2018. 44(4): p. 575-589.
- Azarkhordad, F., H. Jenaabadi, and V. Mehdinezhad, Effectiveness of Sexual Education Based on Mindfulness Training and Islamic Teachings in Improving Female Adolescents’ Self-Esteem. Jundishapur Journal of Health Sciences, 2020. 12(1).
- Leavitt, C.E., et al., Associations of mindfulness with adolescent outcomes and sexuality. Journal of Adolescence, 2020. 81: p. 73-86.
- Leavitt, C.E., J.B. Whiting, and A.J. Hawkins, The Sexual Mindfulness Project: An Initial Presentation of the Sexual and Relational Associations of Sexual Mindfulness. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 2020: p. 1-17.
- Falsafi, A. and Z. DashtBozorgi, The effect of mindfulness training on rumination, body image and sexual satisfaction in women with recurrent pregnancy loss. Iranian Journal of Rehabilitation Research, 2019. 5(3): p. 48-54.
- Farajkhoda, T., et al., The effectiveness of mindfulness-based cognitive therapy consultation on improving sexual satisfaction of women in reproductive age: A clinical trial study in Iran. Journal of Advanced Pharmacy Education & Research| Apr-Jun, 2019. 9(S2).
- Floor, W.M., A social history of sexual relations in Iran. 2008: Mage Publishers Washington, DC.