Have you ever heard that women are “the problem” or hard to please in the bedroom? About 60-70% of women report that they did not orgasm during their last sexual experience.[i] In general, we know that somewhere around 35% of women are not orgasmic during most sexual experiences.[ii] Sadly, women sometimes give up or tell themselves that orgasm doesn’t matter because female orgasm is often not prioritized.[iii]
This is likely because women and their bodies have been misunderstood for a long time. Historically, sex has been viewed through a male-dominated perspective and less was known and understood about women’s bodies. People incorrectly assumed that what worked for men should work for women. Because male bodies were used as the standard, female bodies—being so different from male bodies—were viewed as less-than, problematic, and strange.
In the past, researchers drew false conclusions that low orgasm frequency in women was due to
- female anatomy being hard to navigate
- the idea that women are difficult to please
- the misconception that women’s bodies were not designed to orgasm as frequently as men’s bodies
- women were defective
Although society and media influence us to believe that women are difficult to understand or hard to please, it is simply not true! There is nothing wrong with women’s bodies, we just need to take the time to understand them better.
The Female Orgasm
As Dr. Chelom Leavitt and Dr. Dean Busby discuss in this podcast episode, women are socialized to explore their bodies less than men are, and less is commonly known and taught about female anatomy than male anatomy.[iv] Women’s anatomy is also more internal and not as easy to see. Because women often don’t know their sexual anatomy as well as men do, it may take a little time for women to figure out what is pleasurable for them. Women being less familiar with their sexual anatomy may contribute to the gap in orgasm frequency between men and women. Additionally, most women need to have their clitoris directly stimulated to orgasm—this is important to note because most women cannot have an orgasm through intercourse alone, as men do.[v]
So, what makes the female orgasm unique? We know that women experience orgasms differently than men do… but how? Here are some helpful things to know about women’s orgasms:
- Women typically take longer than men to orgasm. On average, men take about five minutes from initiation to orgasm while, on average, women take somewhere around twenty minutes.[vi]
- Women’s orgasms also tend to thrive off emotional intimacy and relationship quality.
- Women’s orgasms are highly tied to their body image––poor body image has been linked to higher difficulty in orgasming.[vii]
- Higher rates of orgasm frequency in women are tied to higher relationship satisfaction.[viii]
- Women in relationships tend to orgasm more than women who have casual sex.[ix]
- Unlike men, women have the ability to orgasm multiple times in a row without a long refractory period.
Ways to Encourage Orgasm
Now that we know that female orgasm is unique compared to male orgasm, what are some ways to encourage orgasms in women
- 1. Women can familiarize themselves with their bodies. As previously mentioned, women are typically socialized not to understand or be familiar with their sexual organs. Familiarizing yourself with your body (like learning more about your anatomy) can help you and your partner learn what is pleasurable for you.
- 2. Improve your relationship with your body. Having positive body image and treating your body well can sometimes be a challenge. However, having positive body image is particularly beneficial for women in having a more pleasurable sex life, while negative body image is related to fewer and less satisfying orgasms.[x]
Try: One popular exercise to improve body image is to look in a full-length mirror naked every day for a few minutes and give yourself compliments about parts of your body you admire.
Read: Here is an article all about improving body image with your mindset.
- 3. Take it slow. As women require a little more time to become aroused, taking things slow with your partner can allow the time for her to become aroused and reach orgasm. Maybe begin sex with a focus on the women’s arousal. Once she is feeling heightened arousal, give attention to the man’s arousal and enjoy the process together from there.
- 4. Take the pressure off orgasm! Focusing too much on trying to orgasm is actually counterintuitive. By focusing on trying to orgasm, couples sometimes increase their anxiety and hinder orgasms. Instead, try to avoid making sex goal-oriented and enjoy the emotional intimacy that sex brings.
Read: Here is an article about Challenging the Orgasm Expectation.
- 5. Work first on improving emotional intimacy in your relationship. Improving emotional intimacy can be beneficial to couples’ sex lives! Emotional intimacy is particularly a big turn-on for women. Take a risk and share tender feelings and see how it benefits the relationship.
- 6. Try Using Sexual Mindfulness. What is sexual mindfulness? Sexual mindfulness is a wonderful and helpful tool that can help couples to be more present during sex, experience better sex, and feel more satisfied in their relationship overall by applying aspects of mindfulness (slowing down; being aware, curious, and non-judgemental) to sex.[xi]
Read: Here is an article about how sexual mindfulness and its benefits!
Author Information:
Naomi Inman is a senior at BYU studying psychology and family science. She will be pursuing a Ph.D. in Human Development and Family Studies next year. She is interested in researching healthy sexuality, women’s sexuality, how mindfulness improves sexualityand relationships, sexual education, and marital resiliency. Naomi values the impact that research can have on improving the lives of individuals and families, therapy practices, and policy. She is from Reno, Nevada and loves books, plants, and traveling.
[i]Shirazi, T., Renfro, K., Lloyd, E., & Wallen, K. (2017). Women’s Experience of Orgasm During Intercourse: Question Semantics Affect Women’s Reports and Men’s Estimates of Orgasm Occurrence. Archives of Sexual Behavior.
[ii]Gusakova, S., Conley, T. D., Piemonte, J. L., & Matsick, J. L. (2020). The role of women’s orgasm goal pursuit in women’s orgasm occurrence. Personality and Individual Differences, 155. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.109628
[iii]Mahar, E.A., Mintz, L.B. & Akers, B.M. Orgasm Equality: Scientific Findings and Societal Implications. Curr Sex Health Rep 12, 24–32 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11930-020-00237-9
[iv]Leavitt, C.E. (Host). (2022, February 23). Body Image and Sexuality.[Audio podcast]. Anchor. https://anchor.fm/chelom-leavitt/episodes/Chelom-and-Dean-Body-Image-and-Sexuality-e1epp02
[v]Wallen, K., & Lloyd, E. A. (2011). Female sexual arousal: genital anatomy and orgasm in intercourse. Hormones and behavior, 59(5), 780–792. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.yhbeh.2010.12.004
[vi]Castleman, M. (2021, January 15). How long does it take women to climax during intercourse … Retrieved March 9, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/202101/how-long-does-it-take-women-climax-during-intercourse
[vii]Horvath, Z., Smith, B. H., Sal, D., Hevesi, K., & Rowland, D. L. (2020). Body image, orgasmic response, and sexual relationship satisfaction: Understanding relationships and establishing typologies based on body image satisfaction. Sexual Medicine, 8(4), 740–751. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.esxm.2020.06.008
[viii]Armstrong, E. A., England, P., & Fogarty, A. C. (2012). Accounting for women’s orgasm and sexual enjoyment in college hookups and relationships. American Sociological Review, 77(3), 435-462.
[ix]Armstrong, E. A., England, P., & Fogarty, A. C. (2012). Accounting for women’s orgasm and sexual enjoyment in college hookups and relationships. American Sociological Review, 77(3), 435-462.
[x]Horvath, Z., Smith, B. H., Sal, D., Hevesi, K., & Rowland, D. L. (2020). Body image, orgasmic response, and sexual relationship satisfaction: Understanding relationships and establishing typologies based on body image satisfaction. Sexual Medicine, 8(4), 740–751. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.esxm.2020.06.008
[xi]Leavitt, C.E., Lefkowitz, E.S., & Waterman, E.A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509.