I love a really clean house. I dream of baseboards that are dust-free, beds that are always made, no clutter on the counters, and fresh vacuum lines. My husband is (thankfully) also a fairly clean person and does a good amount of the work around our home, but my desire for a clean home is definitely higher than his.
Early in our marriage we worked out routines around keeping the house tidy, like doing a deep clean every Saturday morning, assigning daily chores to the kids so that they could contribute to the housework, and running a load of laundry each day. Do I sometimes wish for a cleaner house? Definitely yes! (I have four messy boys.) Does my husband always feel like rolling out of bed on a Saturday morning to get started on chores? Nope! So there is some give and take, some compromise, and some working together to be flexible with our patterns. Our house isn’t always clean, and the chores aren’t always fun, but in general, we’ve found a system that works for us, and balances both of our desires.
David Schnarch, a well-known sex therapist,[i] teaches that every couple has a higher desire and a lower desire partner in every aspect of their relationship. That is, in a sexual relationship, one partner will always have a higher level of sexual desire than the other. This can take a lot of forms. You could have a couple consisting of two fairly high desire partners, but one will still have higher desire than the other. In another relationship, you might find one partner quite low on desire and the other high. And over the lifetime of the relationship, who the higher desire or lower desire partner is could change (think of things like pregnancy and hormones, stress, aging, or fluctuations in health).
This desire discrepancy can feel hard in a relationship when one partner wants sex more frequently than another. It forces compromise, and this can sometimes cause some conflict between partners. It might lead to tough conversations around each partner’s sexual desires and it usually takes negotiation in order to find a balance that works for both.
But guess what? Having to have those tough conversations and working together to negotiate this intimate part of a marital relationship is a beautiful opportunity for both personal and couple growth. Being in a relationship is not simple. When you can view these differences and challenges as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship, your connection can grow deeper, and your intimacy can be heightened.
SEXUAL DESIRE DISCREPANCY IS A NORMAL PART OF ANY RELATIONSHIP
Schnarch likens this conflict to a crucible.[ii] When a potter fires a piece of ceramic, it is exposed to extremely high temperatures. After the pottery is removed from the fire, it is significantly stronger (and more beautiful) than it was before. Similarly, as we go through challenges in our relationships, if we are willing to put in the effort and continue working together (or temporarily tolerate in the fire so to speak), our marriages can become stronger and truly be something beautiful in our lives.
Conversations around sexual desire can be difficult, but rewarding.
HERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU MIGHT CONSIDER ON YOUR OWN OR AS YOU TALK WITH YOUR PARTNER:
- Is my behavior such that my partner would want to have sex with me? Are there things that I am doing that might be driving my partner away or weakening my relationship with my partner? (Manipulating, coercing, pouting, or pressuring?)[iii]
- Am I expecting my partner to understand and fulfill my sexual needs without taking some ownership of them myself (e.g., knowing my body and what feels good, giving feedback about what I like)? Do I communicate my needs and desire to my partner so that we can have a mutually beneficial sexual relationship? How does my partner feel about this?
- Am I willing to both give sexual pleasure to my spouse and receive sexual pleasure from my spouse? How does my partner perceive my level of willingness in these areas?
- Do we have enough “emotional foreplay” and a deep enough relational connection that a sexual relationship is desirable for both of us? Are there ways we could deepen our connection outside the bedroom? Do I know what my partner thinks and feels about this?
- Have we gotten into a routine or has sex gotten boring? Are there things we could do to change up the routine a little bit? What ideas does my partner have?
Having these conversations about desire discrepancy is extremely worthwhile as they help you understand each other, confront yourself in areas of needed growth, and ultimately strengthen your connection with each other. It’s important to recognize that achieving a balance in your sexual relationship is the task of a lifetime. As the years pass, dynamics may change and circumstances may be altered, but this provides added opportunity to work together for the good of your marriage.
[i] Schnarch, D. (2009). Intimacy & desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship. Scribe Publications.
[ii] Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. WW Norton & Company.
Amber Price
Amber A. Price has a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development from Brigham Young University and is currently working on her doctorate. Her research interests focus on an individual’s sense of self and how it is associated with intimate relationships such as sexuality and emotional intimacy, with a particular interest in women’s experiences. Amber has been married to Josh for 19 years and they have 4 sons. You can find more from Amber at https://amberaprice.com.