Developing Your Self

This is part 3 of a 3 part series about differentiation of self. Read the first article, To Become or Not to Become, here and the second one, Balancing a Connection with Self and Others, here. 

As you continue your journey of learning to have a strong sense of self and to balance your need for belonging to yourself and being deeply connected with another, you will inevitably run into some hiccups and bumps along the way. Because our brains are programmed to look to others to tell us who we are, taking a step away from that is a challenge that will likely take a lifetime of effort. And just because you are working at this doesn’t mean that others around you will free you from their expectations of who they think you should be, or that they will take part in your journey. It’s important to remember that each step that you take towards more fully accepting yourself and living truer to who you want to be is a win and you will get stronger as you journey down this path.

As you run into the inevitable challenges that come your way each day, here are two things to remember that will help you feel increasingly secure in who you are and help you move towards the genuine connections and deep intimacy that is possible in a relationship.

REGULATING YOUR EMOTIONS

One key aspect of differentiation of self is an ability to regulate one’s emotions. We all feel a wide range of emotions on any given day—frustration, excitement, anxiety, fear, peace, happiness. Feeling these emotions is part of being human and not something we should stifle. But how we cope with difficult emotions can have an effect on our relationships. Those who are not as capable of regulating emotions often either become highly emotionally reactive (over-reacting to a situation, being hypersensitive) or become defensive and emotionally cut off (choosing not to feel any emotions, pushing someone away rather than engaging in difficult emotions). Neither of these techniques helps develop strong relationships. Difficulty regulating emotions ties back to the idea of not having a strong sense of self. Rather than regulating and taking responsibility for our own emotions, sometimes blame others for how we feel, or hope that others will regulate our emotions for us.

Research shows that those who are more highly reactive or those who are more likely to cut off from their emotions experience decreased relationship and sexual satisfaction.^[i] You don’t need to stifle the hard emotions. It’s normal to feel a wide range of emotions—excited, sorrowful, anxious, lonely, grateful. But learning to feel those emotions and deal with them in a healthy way, taking ownership of your feelings rather than blaming others for them, and finding ways to work through them is much more likely to help your connections.

Ask yourself these questions about emotion regulation:

• Am I comfortable with my emotions? Do I allow myself to feel them without judging them?
• Do I blame others for what I’m feeling?
• Am I capable of sitting in those emotions and regulating them, even when they are difficult to feel, or do I try to make someone else carry the burden of my emotions?
• Can I share my true emotions with my partner? If not, what holds me back?

A WILLINGNESS TO SELF-CONFRONT

Another important, even crucial, part of differentiation of self is taking time to address your own contribution to your relationship. When you have conflict with a partner, it’s easy to point fingers and place blame. But individuals who thrive in their relationships are willing to take a close look at what they are bringing to the table and to recognize that it’s not always rosy.

We all have faults and weaknesses—it’s part of being human and if we didn’t, no one would want to be partnered with us anyway. That would be way too intimidating! It’s our weaknesses that can connect us and bring us together in meaningful ways. When you don’t acknowledge your challenges or try to shield others from seeing your flaws, you put up a wall and hinder your own capacity for intimacy. When you see your faults, give yourself grace and acknowledge that to be human is to have weakness, and then try to grow and change in needed ways, you open yourself up to deeper connection.

So rather than pointing the finger at someone else, take the time to reflect on your own contributions to a relationship and what it might be like to be partnered with you. Acknowledge the things you need to work on and then work on them! You’re not going to be perfect today or tomorrow or even ten years from now, but the process of reflecting on your own flaws will allow you to give others grace in their flaws as well and that’s something that can really enhance connection.

Some questions to consider:

• What am I pretending to not see about myself that might be hindering my relationship?
• Am I willing to take a close look at myself and confront areas of needed growth and change?
• What is one thing that I can begin to confront in myself today in order to make my relationship stronger?

[i] Price, A. A., Leavitt, C. E., & Allsop, D. B. (2020). How Gender Differences in Emotional Cutoff and Reactivity Influence Couple’s Sexual and Relational Outcomes. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 47(1), 16-31.