eaching Children Modesty: Moving Past “Modest Is Hottest”

One day while I was teaching my college-level writing class I wrote on the board a popular statement meant to persuade youth to wear modest clothing: “Modest is hottest!” Even though it’s a catchy saying, and one that everyone in class had heard from well-meaning parents or church leaders, there was an immediate groan as I wrote it. We spent the class period unpacking why they felt that frustration. What does that statement miss about modesty? Why does it lead to eye rolling? Many students weren’t sure what was wrong with it at first, they just knew that it didn’t feel right. Their insights as young adults, along with social science researchers’ insights, can guide us to better ways of teaching children about modesty.

MODESTY IS MORE THAN A HEMLINE

First, as a class we looked up online definitions of modesty. Every source among the many students found started by defining modesty as some form of “quietly successful.”[i] In fact, it’s not until entry number three in Webster’s Dictionary that “a standard of dress” is even mentioned.[ii] And yet we’ve largely missed that point when we aim to teach children about modesty—focusing tightly in on the physical element of it. These students were bothered by the fact that almost all the lessons they’d been taught about modesty missed a larger and richer picture of what modesty is.

Consider what difference it could make if our lessons about modesty were focused on a way of life, a larger definition of modesty, including, “a regard for decency, simplicity, and the act of showing reserve.”[iii] When we focus on modesty as a way of living, we can benefit from a sense of peace that comes from not competing with others. However, when we reduce modesty to a hemline length, we miss out on most of what true modesty has to offer. Being a modest person means we are not aiming to elevate ourselves unnecessarily or to diminish anyone else. Teaching children that it’s important to consider modesty in all areas of our lives, including on social media and in social situations can help them enjoy the benefits that living modestly offers. On the flip side, implicit in the “Modest is hottest!” idea is a sense of competition (only one person gets to be “the hottest,” and so someone is always the loser), as well as a narrow focus on physical attributes that takes the very essence of what it means to be modest and turns it upside down.

MODESTY MATTERS FOR ALL

The second big part of the frustration stemmed from an exercise with a quick raise of hands. Who had had “Modest is hottest!” said directly to them? All of the women raised their hands, but none of the men raised theirs. The men in the class were no more pleased about this than the women were. Although most major religions teach the importance of modesty for both men and women, sometimes culturally we lean toward having women take more responsibility for physical modesty than do men. We see this in cases of victim blaming (“What was she wearing?”), but also in everyday moments where girls are told that they need to dress modestly so they don’t tempt boys to think sexual thoughts. This is of course limiting to both women and men. Women cannot be responsible for other’s thoughts, and men should not be belittled by the assumption that they cannot be responsible for their own. BYU researchers state, “We are each responsible for our thoughts and behaviors, and transferring blame undermines agency.”iii Both our sons and our daughters will benefit from learning about and living modestly.

SEXUAL MODESTY

Sexual modesty is the principle of keeping our sexual selves and behavior situated in a personal, private context, and we can teach children this element of modesty alongside the other peace-giving elements of modest living in general. It means not inviting others to see or watch parts of our lives that should be sacred. “[T]he more we honor these boundaries around our current or future marriages, the more these relationships can stay exclusive.”iii As we teach our children about modesty, we can emphasize to them the importance of keeping our sexual relationships faithful and strong.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

When teaching children about modesty it’s useful to keep in mind a holistic approach. BYU researchers came up with excellent suggestions that can be helpful when teaching children about modesty.iii Some of these suggestions included:

As we teach our children that modesty brings peace, we can help them frame physical modesty in a larger context. Modesty goes beyond simply having a hemline of a certain length, and reaches into a larger sense of what is truly important in life. Helping children understand that elevating others, rather than diminishing or competing with them, is what will make us happiest in life and ultimately allows us to make authentic connections.

Ultimately, my students felt shortchanged by the saying, “Modest is hottest!” They felt they’d missed out on some of the beauty that the principle of modesty has to offer. As we teach our children about a way of living that elevates those around us, we will avoid the shortcomings of focusing only on the physical elements of modesty. A deeper look at modesty will help children understand that modesty offers us a rich and positive pattern of living.

[i] “Modesty.” Cambridge Dictionary online (2020). https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/modest

[ii] “Modesty.” Webster’s Dictionary online (2020). https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/modest

[iii] Padilla-Walker, L., Busby, D., Leavitt, C.E., & Carroll, J. S. (2018). A better way to teach kids about sex: No more metaphors and object lessons, just open communication. Salt Lake City, Utah: Deseret Book.