On one occasion, a mom asked me when and what to tell her 8-year-old daughter about sex. I described a comfortable environment and a few ideas that should be included. Another woman listening in piped up, “Well, you should never give them more information than what they are comfortable with.” Although I did not immediately respond to this woman, my answer would be “Yes, and no.”
It’s true that we don’t want to overwhelm our children with information, but often, depending on the child, our kids WILL feel a little overwhelmed on the topic of sex.
WE NEED TO HELP OUR CHILDREN FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THE TOPIC OF SEX.
However, the fact that our child might not feel comfortable talking about sex doesn’t mean we don’t talk about sex. What it does mean is that we need to help them feel comfortable talking about sex—and truthfully, the sooner the better. If our kids feel uncomfortable brushing their teeth, we wouldn’t wait until the day they suddenly become comfortable. Instead, we would find ways to help them realize it is healthy and nothing to feel anxious about.
With 8 kids of my own, I have seen lots of different responses. Some were cool and acted like they’ve heard it all already (that’s a seriously funny response from an 8-year-old). Some freaked out and exclaimed “I never want to talk about this again!” No matter our children’s reactions, a parent’s job is to prepare them for a happy, healthy perspective on a very important part of who they are—sexual beings.
If talking about sex makes them feel uncomfortable, we need to do a little work to help them understand that their sexual nature is a GREAT part of who they are. In early adolescence I like to set the stage for what is going to happen in late adolescence. Lots of people recommend having a sex talk by at least 8 years old and although I agree, I think it starts long before 8.
THE TOPIC OF SEX CAN BE WOVEN INTO MANY CONVERSATIONS.
We can begin long before the 8-year-old sex talk by emphasizing positive messages about our child’s body. Focus on issues like how strong, graceful, fast, healthy, and hard-working their body is and not how thin or attractive their body is. By reinforcing happy, healthy, messages we will counteract the sexualized messages they will encounter all too soon from media, peers, and other sources. If we can open conversations like these in early adolescence, we will be better prepared for the more complex conversations we will have in later adolescence. Start early to talk about sex in positive, happy, comfortable conversations.
SOME IMPORTANT DOS:
Answer questions in the moment. Whenever our child asks a question give them a simple, straightforward answer. They don’t need details at this point, but they do need to know we are happy to answer all the things they think about. This establishes us as a reliable authority—we have good answers to any question.
Use a positive tone of voice. Kids pick up on our discomfort so you might need to practice using a positive tone when talking about sex with your spouse first. Talk openly and cheerfully about how wonderful every body part is. Our hands can work, write, hug, help. Our legs can run, hop, skip rope, climb. When it comes to our genitals, they have important purposes too. We eliminate body waste through our urethra, we eliminate solid waste from our anus. Our genitals have other purposes as well. We can also feel pleasure there and this is a wonderful part of being a husband and wife.
SOME IMPORTANT DON’TS:
Don’t use shame—ever. I regularly hear parents who are filled with anxiety about a 3-4-year-old who is “masturbating.” The child will be in the tub and touch their genitals. What we need to remember is that they are learning about their body. This is about the age they will find and want to learn about their genitals and touching them may even be pleasurable. If we talk openly about their penis or vulva, they will feel informed and soon move on to the next discovery. There is no reason for shame. If they seem to obsess on their genitals, just help distract them and they will become interested in the next idea. Do not snap at them and tell them touching their body is ‘dirty’ or ‘gross.’ Reflect respect and joy every time you talk about body parts.
Don’t avoid answering questions. When our children ask a question and we say, “I’ll tell you when you’re older” or “you don’t need to know that” we communicate embarrassment and shame about the topic. We also may communicate that we are not a good, comfortable source of information. These early years are foundational to establishing a good routine of healthy communication and trust.
What if you didn’t start early? Start now. Tell your child that you wish you had been more open about sex and you are going to change your ways. Expect that they will be skeptical and maybe even mock it at first. But don’t be discouraged—this is one of the most important areas of development and if we leave teaching about sex up to other sources, our children’s sexual development will suffer. If you talk—unembarrassed and honestly—about the importance of sexuality, they will listen, even if they try to tell you they know it all already or act like they’re not interested.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.