Etta James soulfully sang (Listen Here):
At last,
My love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song
Are you tempted to imagine that Valentine’s Day will be like “a song” and that if you had someone special, your “lonely days” would be over? Or do you get frustrated if your partner doesn’t show up with a dozen roses and a box of chocolate to celebrate the day? Valentine’s Day can put a lot of pressure on both individuals and couples, but the reality is that whether single or in a relationship, there are challenges either way, and most important–individuals are responsible for their own happiness.
Because of things we see in media or hear from others, we often have expectations of what our love life should look like, and if it isn’t living up to those expectations, whether we are single or in a relationship, we might feel let down. This can become especially apparent on holidays like Valentine’s Day. Have you ever paid attention to how many expectations are thrown at us around the “day of love”? Husbands might feel pressured to make reservations at a fancy restaurant, show up with balloons, chocolate, and flowers . . . and maybe write a loving poem to boot! Moms are often frantically trying to pull things together for their kids—boxes to collect Valentine cards in at school, Valentine cards to hand out at school, maybe surprise the kids with a fun themed breakfast, and be prepared to look amazing for the date with her husband that night ending with amazing sex. And singles are often just trying to get through the day without seeing the balloons, chocolates, and flowers because it’s a reminder that they are not in a relationship. That’s a lot of pressure for everyone!
What if, instead of spending Valentine’s Day trying to live up to other people’s ideas of what makes the day great, you did what feels good to you? Want to go out to dinner with the one you love? Make a reservation and let him or her know you’re excited about the plan! Would you rather stay home and snuggle up together to watch a movie? That’s fine too! Feel like making the kids a fun Valentine treat because you enjoy it? That’s amazing—have fun doing it! Wish you were celebrating Valentine’s Day, but you’ve got no one special to celebrate with? Celebrate you! Take yourself to dinner or find some time for some self-care. Or reach out and share the love by taking treats to favorite friends. The point is, make this day what feels right to you! When you’re more authentic and true to who you are, you’re likely to find more connection and intimacy in your relationships,[i] not to mention just feeling happier overall.[ii]
The key to being happy is knowing you have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go. ~ Dodinsky
Part of this is taking responsibility for your own happiness. If you rely on your spouse to meet unspoken expectations, you might find yourself let down. Instead, be open with your spouse and discuss your hopes for the day and then do your part to make it a great day.
SEEING THE ONE YOU LOVE WITH NEW EYES
No matter how you decide to celebrate Valentine’s Day, it can be an opportunity to get us out of our daily routine and to open our eyes to what we have.
The Beatles sang about seeing someone with new eyes (Listen here):
Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me
I don’t wanna leave her now
You know I believe and how
When you disrupt the routines of your life, by celebrating a holiday or doing something out of the ordinary, you can see your spouse with new eyes. And when you can see your spouse with new eyes, you notice how they move, little things they do to woo you, or other small details you miss in the routine of life. It helps you to see your spouse anew if you see them in a different setting like taking a new hike together, playing a new board game with other couples, or reading a book out loud to each other.
You can see yourself more clearly as well—acknowledge your reality, what feels good to you. You can expose a little of your deeper thoughts, sincere gratitude, or fragile insecurity. When you occasionally break out of the norm and expose vulnerable emotions, you stir the passions that once attracted you to your partner. As you share more of yourself, you create a deeper intimacy in your relationship.
Valentine’s Day is a fun way to create intimacy. But remember: Real intimacy in marriage is not just about sex. It’s about being able to share your true self—weaknesses, strengths, joys, and sorrows—with your partner. Emotionally undressing is a prelude to physically undressing. When you take a risk and share something new about yourself you invited your spouse to do the same. That is something to celebrate any day it happens!
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr. Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children
Amber A. Price is working on her master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development at Brigham Young University studying with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Her research interests focus on an individual’s sense of self and how it is associated with intimate relationships such as sexuality and emotional intimacy, with a particular interest in women’s experiences. Amber has been married to Josh for 19 years and they have 4 sons.
[i] Ferreira, L. C., Narciso, I., & Novo, R. (2013). Authenticity, work and change: a qualitative study on couple intimacy. Families, Relationships and Societies, 2(3), 339-354. doi:10.1332/204674313×668569
[ii] Wood, A. M., Linley, P. A., Maltby, J., Baliousis, M., & Joseph, S. (2008). The authentic personality: A theoretical and empirical conceptualization and the development of the Authenticity Scale. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 55(3), 385-399. doi:10.1037/0022-0167.55.3.385