Both my parents grew up on farms where they learned the value of working hard (because this type of attitude is necessary for farm life). Today, people don’t rely on their own farm for survival, so I’ve always wondered why my parents have consistently had some sort of garden, especially because their gardens have produced very little food. Over time I have come to realize that there was something a little more meaningful going on when my parents would weed, water, and wait on the fresh produce. They were actually growing more than a garden, they were also working on being emotionally intimate.
Marriages Are Hard
It would probably come as no surprise if I said that about half of marriages ended in divorce.[1] This number is decreasing, but only because fewer people are getting married in the first place.[2] These statistics have most people feeling pessimistic about marriage. However, most divorces are not the result of serious issues like domestic violence or infidelity.[3] Many people are choosing to end their marriages because they have “fallen out of love.”
What does that mean–to “fall out of love?” Is falling out of love something that just happens, like fruit from a garden spoiling? Or are certain marriages inevitably doomed from the start?
Researchers and experts would say neither. Studies show that if couples are experiencing high levels of distress, their happiness after divorce will improve. But, if there is low or moderate distress, which is what most divorcing couples report, happiness after divorce diminishes.[4] Divorces are less common for serious issues like violence or infidelity, and more common for simple issues like falling out of love or not receiving enough attention.[5]
The Work of Maintaining Love
Just as falling in love takes courtship and effort, preventing or healing from the famine of falling out of love requires special TLC. Many people wonder how they might rekindle the spark of passionate romance. The sad part is, they usually turn to quick fixes–changing up sex positions or buying expensive lingerie. When these things don’t work, couples might resort to ending the marriage entirely because they think that the problem lies within the natural chemistry of the relationship. Sex is an important part of the relationship, but it does not address the root problem. The real problem lies not in the bedroom, but in nurturing the budding seeds that were planted before.
We often think that we can resurrect passionate love only through the sexy things. This has some truth to it. But the latest headline on Cosmopolitan magazine is not an accurate representation of “the new sexy,” at least not the most important sexy thing in your relationship.
In order to make burning love last a lifetime, emotional intimacy needs to be cultivated. Emotional intimacy is the practice of experiencing closeness, vulnerability, and acceptance. Emotional intimacy is not a one-time passionate experience. It is consistent, small efforts over time. Emotional intimacy is like picking out the weeds and fertilizing the plants. It must be done regularly. Finding small and consistent ways to be emotionally intimate with your partner will grow the quality of your sexual experiences and your relationship in general.
A Few Ideas
Here is a list of a few ways that you can strengthen your marriage now:
- Do things together. It doesn’t matter that you may like different things or that you have different hobbies. Simply doing things together will help you to feel closer. Whether it be cooking, talking, cleaning–mundane things can become un-mundane when you do them together!
- Get to know your partner. People change. It is part of life. The person that you married is allowed to gain new perspectives and find different interests. Make it a point to get to know these interests. You’ll be surprised how much your partner will enjoy being seen in a new light.
- Enjoy the cheesy. We sometimes think we have to come up with incredible date ideas, elaborate schemes of surprise, or zealous professions of love to be considered noteworthy by our partner. The fact is, putting a small note on a pillow, vulnerably talking about a bad day, or spontaneously dancing in the kitchen might be more memorable and intimate than a passionate sexual experience. And no matter how cheesy it may seem, if it is from the heart, your partner will appreciate it.
Bottom Line
My parents still work on a garden together. They work on it nearly every day. And when they do, they talk together. They share together. They relax together. They are able to tune out all the other things that demand their time and attention. Most importantly, while they are spending this time together, they are still working. They still get dirty while gardening. And they may not get much food at harvest time, but the process makes it all worth it.
The bottom line is that establishing this kind of emotional intimacy is both easier and harder than you think. It is easier because although marriage can end up like spoiled fruit, you can do things to strengthen your marriage and sex life. It is harder because it takes constant daily work! You may want love to fall directly into your lap, and it may for some people, but it definitely will not stay there without consistent effort. Now go get your sexy on–your emotional sexy.
Sarah Butikofer is an undergrad student at Brigham Young University finishing up her degree in Human Development. She is excited to be working with Chelom Leavitt on her Sexual Mindfulness Project as she is passionate about educating people on the importance of sex communication, especially between parents and children. Sarah hopes to further her competency in this field by pursuing a Master’s degree in Instructional Psychology and Technology to instruct schools and other institutions at a general level how to become better educators.
[1] Centers for Disease and Control Prevention. (2022). Marriage and Divorce. Retrieved on December 10, 2022, from https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm
[2] Wang, W. (2020). Number 1 in 2020: The U.S. divorce rate has hit a 50-year low. Institute for Family Studies. Retrieved on December 10, 2022, from https://ifstudies.org/blog/number-1-in-2020-the-us-divorce-rate-has-hit-a-50-year-low
[3] Hawkins, A. J., Willoughby, B. J., & Doherty, W. J. (2012). Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 53(6), 453-463. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2012.682898
[4] Amato, P. R., & Hohmann‐Marriott, B. (2007). A comparison of high‐and low‐distress marriages that end in divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(3), 621-638. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00396.x
[5] De Graaf, P. M., & Kalmijn, M. (2006). Divorce motives in a period of rising divorce: Evidence from a Dutch life-history survey. Journal of Family Issues, 27(4), 483-505. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X05283982