I had growing pains when I was little. Whenever my legs began to ache my mom told me to “run it off.” She knew growing pains were temporary and that running would likely distract me from the ache. There’s some wisdom to that.
Sometimes when we feel pain or sorrow, we need to see it for what it is—temporary suffering. If we can train our mind to process pain, sorrow, suffering, in a way that is curious but objective, compassionate, and non-judgmental, we will move through suffering and likely come through with increased wisdom. However, if we stew about our sorrow, hold on to feelings of resentment or pain, ruminate about mistakes or offenses, we can get stuck. We become stuck in our suffering. In other words, suffering can be productive or just plain old pain. We can choose our outcome by taking some initiative or accountability for the suffering or conversely, we can blame others for the pain.
Sexual dysfunction can be a unique kind of suffering. We feel inadequate, alone, frustrated, and sometimes angry. But sexual dysfunction need not be so hurtful if we approach the suffering of dysfunction a little differently. Pain, disappointment, suffering is intended to grab our attention and connect us with our body. Sometimes suffering is telling us that something is off balance and needs addressing or adjusting, and tuning into this positive function of pain can be useful. When we ignore or blame others for the suffering, it often gets worse. However, when we give attention to the source of the suffering, we can heal and learn. Hopefully, our suffering moves us toward growth.
IT’S UNREALISTIC TO HOPE FOR A PAIN-FREE LIFE. SUFFERING IS NORMAL AND CAN BE PRODUCTIVE TO OUR GROWTH.
Here are just three ways to make suffering productive:[i]
1. REALIZE THE IMPERMANENCE OF LIFE
Nothing lasts forever and this is true of pain. It will subside. No matter how hopeless our discouragement with our relationship or sex life seems, it will likely resolve, diminish, or become less important. No emotion is completely stable. We are fluctuating beings. Be patient and kind with yourself and your partner.
2. EMBRACE THE PRAGMATIC NATURE OF SUFFERING
Understand that we all suffer. We cannot avoid suffering- it is just a reality of life. We need to acknowledge that suffering exists, there is a reason for suffering (or there is a meaning in suffering), suffering will not last forever, and something will help bring it to an end. As we better understand ourselves, we more quickly identify the origin of our suffering and the remedy to our suffering. In the case of sexual dysfunction, our bodies may not perform how we hoped, but we can still create intimacy and connection by better understanding each other.
3. WE CAN MATURE EMOTIONALLY IF WE APPROACH SUFFERING WITH A “RIGHT MIND.”
In Buddhism suffering originates from desire and ignorance.[ii]Desire is the pursuit of things that cannot satisfy—money, power, fame, control, or any selfish pleasure. Ignorance comes from not seeing the world (including ourselves) clearly. Am I afraid to confront myself about my ambition, greed, or selfishness? Do I gently confront my partner (or myself) about the lack of equity or awareness in the relationship? See Blogs: When Giving Is Taking A Toll & Zen and the Art of Making Love
WHEN WATCHING AFTER YOURSELF, YOU WATCH AFTER OTHERS. WHEN WATCHING AFTER OTHERS, YOU WATCH AFTER YOURSELF. ~BUDDHA
When the suffering of sexual dysfunction sneaks into our sexual relationship, we can do some relationship evaluation.
- Are we watching after our self and our partner?
- Do we openly address our unmet needs and healthy desires with our partner?
- Do we take time outside of sex to connect with our body?
- Can we be vulnerable about our fears, anxieties, or pleasure?
- Are we in tune with our partner’s general needs and sexual feelings?
- Do we withhold sex as a punishment or as a bargaining strategy?
- Has sex become “blah” because we have not set aside a time to kindle the fragile passion of our union?
We likely WILL experience sexual dysfunction at some point in our relationship. Men may experience occasional erectile dysfunction that may become more regular as they age. Women may experience low desire, low arousal, or they may struggle to feel satisfying orgasms. When this occurs can we slow down and recognize this as just a small bump in the road, something to talk about as two loving spouses who are on the same side? OR do we withdraw, blame our partner, feel hurt or inadequate–frustrated, but silent?
What might help us process these emotions is to allow this type of suffering to wash through us and teach us about the fragile nature of arousal and emotion. Here is an opportunity to dig down into our emotions and share fears, frustrations, hurt, and anxiety. Most sexual dysfunctions improve as couples reduce anxiety, communicate authentically, and create greater intimacy.[iii]
We suffer because so often we feel alone in our suffering. We feel alone within the tight boundaries we have set. We want to blame someone else and avoid accountability. But, isn’t it interesting that in a world where we often focus on appropriate boundaries, what we most desire is a merging of boundaries with one person of importance? This vulnerable intimacy eases the suffering and allows for sweet, healing connection, even when confronting sexual dysfunction.
One caution about sexual dysfunction: The quality of the relationship is essential. Some women and men may feel diminished sexual desire or functioning because of the stress of the relationship or the lack of real intimacy. If we are in a bad marriage our sexual functioning is bound to take a hit. This is a time to focus on the relationship first and sex later.
Individuals who are centered and feel that their partner respects them are able to experience disappointments, trials, misunderstandings, or in a word, suffering, and allow it to expand them not crush them.[iv] Having clear but flexible boundaries, good self-understanding, and self-acceptance are necessary components to an all-encompassing, erotic union.[v]We can first address our ability to be vulnerable. Are we comfortable with disclosing those really personal thoughts? Maybe our thoughts are negative, dark, or feel inappropriate. Can we be completely authentic with our partner and share this ”unacceptable” part of who we are? Overcoming our fear creates the opportunity for deep intimacy that comes only from giving all of who we are—fears, ugly thoughts, dreams, joys, –everything! When we are able to do this and receive our partner’s everything, only then can we enjoy this all-encompassing, erotic union. Maybe we can look at sexual dysfunction as a type of growing pain. It might be something that resolves with the passing of time, or might be a call to us to focus in specific ways on strengthening our relationship. The process is not always pleasant but provides the opportunity to bring us to a deeper understanding of our self, our partner, and our relationship. We may see ourselves and our partner anew and feel a passion that hadn’t been present before.
DO NOT WORRY THAT YOUR LIFE IS TURNING UPSIDE DOWN. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT THE SIDE YOU ARE USED TO IS BETTER THAN THE ONE TO COME?” —RUMI
[i] https://www.pbs.org/edens/thailand/buddhism.htm
[ii] https://www.lionsroar.com/what-is-suffering-10-buddhist-teachers-weigh-in/
[iii] Kane, L., Dawson, S. J., Shaughnessy, K., Reissing, E. D., Ouimet, A. J., & Ashbaugh, A. R. (2019). A review of experimental research on anxiety and sexual arousal: Implications for the treatment of sexual dysfunction using cognitive behavioral therapy. Journal of Experimental Psychopathology, 10(2).
[iv] Schnarch, D. M. (1991). Constructing the sexual crucible: An integration of sexual and marital therapy. WW Norton & Company.
[v] Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, A. D., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009). The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex”. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 18(1-2), 1-13.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.