When I got married 24 years ago, I asked my grandmothers to tell me how they made their marriages successful. Here were two women who had made it past their 50th wedding anniversaries—and were happy about it. One grandmother told me to focus on the positive in my husband (Easy! I thought, He’s perfect!), and the other suggested that my new spouse and I “learn how to have fun for free.” They were right: looking for the positive in my spouse has been very important, but learning “how to have fun for free” has ended up having a power in our relationship that I didn’t suspect at the outset.
There have been plenty of date nights in our marriage where “having fun for free” was literally our only option. Especially early on, our little stash of cash for date night was sufficient to pay a babysitter—but not much else. Rather than let our lack of funds stop us, we developed a free date night that we ended up really loving, and one that has remained a favorite. And it’s one that researchers happen to agree has a positive effect on moods and even committed relationships in general.[i]
We started walking. On our walking dates we’ve picked new neighborhoods to explore—parking in areas of our city that we don’t generally go and walking from there. We’ve walked through older neighborhoods, up-and-coming neighborhoods, populated neighborhoods, more rural neighborhoods. We’ve even walked neighborhoods just down the street that we drive past daily. It’s amazing what we notice about homes and architecture and families and people when we walk—instead of drive—through these living spaces and give ourselves the time to better appreciate them.
We’ve also walked through non-living places, such as cemeteries. (For some reason walking through cemeteries is a lot of fun, maybe because of the stories the headstones tell, or because of the perspective on life that cemeteries offer.) We’ve walked on nature paths, and we’ve walked on rigorous mountain trails to waterfalls and beautiful overlooks. We’ve looked up parks nearby and walked laps around them. And as we’ve walked, without the interruption of kids around us, or screens in front of us, or even a waiter approaching us, we’ve gotten into sync.
Researchers say that walking has physical and mental benefits.i Walking for 30 minutes can boost our mood, lower our stress levels, and even make us more creative.[ii] But walking with a partner has some unique benefits as well.
SYNCING UP
Walking together has been shown to lead to emotional closeness with the person we’re walking with. “When walking alongside another person we often, even without our awareness, align our rhythm and pacing with that of the other person, leading to a synchrony of our steps and stride.”i
When people are together and experiencing the same environment, that can promote cooperation between them.[iii] When we sync up physically, literally walking the same path together, it seems we are more able to sync up emotionally. Some of our best talks have taken place on our walks.
MOVING ON
Walking is a great way to promote problem solving. Not only do we become more creative when we walk, which could help us see old problems in a new light, we become more willing to move beyond our problems. Researchers state that when we’re “moving forward” physically, we literally become more willing to “move forward” emotionally, past obstacles.ii A walk for a date night can have a healing effect on a marriage.
HAVING FUN FOR FREE
Walking remains one of our favorite date night activities because it slows us down, allowing us to focus on what’s immediately surrounding us, including each other. We always seem to feel happier when we return home. I’m grateful to my grandmother who let me know that free fun is something to seek out. We don’t need to find a babysitter for shorter evenings out anymore, and even though the date night funds are deeper now, we find that there’s a magic in walking together as a couple that helps us to more deeply connect. And perhaps best of all—after a great walk we know we’ve burned enough calories to enjoy a dessert!
Check out the mindful walking exercise in Mindful Activities
[i] Thanks to this online article about walking and the benefits for couples in conflict—although my angle here is different, I have drawn heavily on the research they have gathered and the points they have made: https://innovatingminds4change.com/2019/11/03/can-walking-together-help-creatively-synchronize-our-goals-getting-in-step-to-generate-diverse-creative-ideas/
[ii] Webb, C. E., Rossignac-Milon, M., & Higgins, E. T. (2017). Stepping forward together: Could walking facilitate interpersonal conflict resolution? American Psychologist, 72, 374–385.
[iii] Wiltermuth, S. S., & Heath, C. (2009). Synchrony and cooperation. Psychological Science, 20, 1–5.
Rebecca Clarke
Rebecca W. Clarke is a PhD student at Brigham Young University studying with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Her research focus is religion and sexuality, and she is currently working on papers dealing with sexual sanctification, sexual flourishing, and religiosity. Rebecca has been married to Sam Clarke for 24 years and they have four children.