Each year as the holidays draw near, children often dream of the presents they will receive or write long wish lists to Santa asking for the gifts they dream of. As parents, though we typically enjoy the magic of viewing Christmas through the eyes of a child, we often attempt to redirect the focus of their gifting experience to teach them that “it is better to give than to receive.” And maybe this comes from personal experience. There really isn’t much that is sweeter than gifting something perfect to a loved one and relishing the experience of watching them open the gift. There truly is beauty in giving to another.
But there is also something wonderful about being a willing recipient of a gift. In your mind, contrast times that you’ve given a gift that was well-received with gratitude and excitement and times that you’ve gifted something that the recipient accepted begrudgingly, or without gratitude. Sometimes giving and receiving compliments can be like this too. We’ve all had moments where we’ve extended a compliment, only to have it outright rejected. From our gift-giving experiences, we learn that it is important to be good at both giving and receiving.
The same is true in our romantic relationships. It’s important to know how to give willingly to your loved one in a way that is meaningful and conveys your love. This will look different for each couple but usually involves loving words, serving and caring for each other, physical affection, and spending time together. For example, when your partner makes what Dr. John Gottman calls a bid for your attention, you can choose to give your partner your time and attention.[i] Willingness to notice a need, sacrifice for your partner, or just shower them with love, can strengthen a relationship and build connection and satisfaction for both partners.[ii]
But giving and receiving in a relationship can be harder than just placing a wrapped package under the tree. There are a number of difficulties to be navigated when you’re balancing the give and take of a relationship between two people.
GIVING GOOD GIFTS
Many funny clichés involve the husband giving his wife something like a rifle for Christmas–something he values and she may be less interested in. Or maybe she gives him some matching pajamas to wear with the family. Just what he wants!
What do you do if this is happening in your relationship in ways that go beyond just the wrapped gift? As a receiver, you don’t have to quietly accept what your partner is offering if it’s not beneficial to you. In fact, if you are begrudgingly receiving what’s given and never stating your own desires, you may be harming the relationship as well. You can kindly have a conversation with your partner about your needs while still acknowledging your appreciation for your partner’s desire to give.
On the flip side, as you give to your partner, it’s important to consider your reasons for offering what you do. Are you giving what you think would be ideal to receive? Or are you truly considering what you think your partner would like to receive? Stop and consider this for a moment in the context of your relationship and in what you share sexually. Maybe your partner likes to be touched in a certain way. Maybe you know that she loves to spend time talking with you or maybe he loves long hugs. It’s worth learning what your partner loves and giving in that way. Learning doesn’t always have to be a long, drawn-out process: You can just ask!
HERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER ABOUT THE WAY YOU GIVE:
- Do I willingly give to my partner? If not, what holds me back?
- When I try to do something loving or kind for my partner, am I thinking about what my partner would truly value receiving from me or is my focus more self-centered than that?
- As a recipient of gifts, am I open and honest with my partner about what I love and appreciate or do I allow my partner to “give” to me in ways that are not fulfilling without kindly suggesting what is more pleasing to me?
- Am I able to accept an authentically given gift even if it might not be exactly what I dreamed of?
When you each learn to give in ways that are meaningful to the other, your relationship will be strengthened.
WHAT ABOUT THE UNGRATEFUL PARTNER?
What if your partner doesn’t willingly receive what you are offering? Of course, it feels better when we give a wrapped gift to an enthusiastic recipient, and it’s a much more connecting experience when the gifts of love that we share with our partner are whole-heartedly received.
If you are giving willingly and in ways that you believe your partner might appreciate, but still feel like your offerings are not well-received, it might be time to have a conversation about what is happening. Giving of yourself is inherently vulnerable, so it’s easy to feel rejected when it isn’t received as you’d hoped. You can explain that you are trying to give and that it feels unappreciated. You can ask how you might better match your intentions to your partner’s wishes. Be open to hear how your partner responds and to have an honest and kind conversation that might better help both of you in your giving and receiving.
BEING A WILLING RECIPIENT
It’s important in a relationship not only to be giving, but also to be willing to receive from your partner.
This may be especially true in a sexual relationship. Sexual relationships are more nourishing and satisfying when both partners are willing to give pleasure to their partner.[iii] Waite and Gallagher note that by having a giving mindset in sex, “you get satisfaction not only from your own sexual response but from your partner’s as well . . . love and concern for one’s partner shifts the focus away from the self in a sexual relationship and toward the other person.”
But just as with being both a good gift giver and a good gift receiver, it’s important to also be willing to not only give but to receive pleasure from your partner sexually. Sometimes this can be challenging because sex is such a vulnerable and intimate experience. It’s one thing to bring pleasure to your partner–that may challenge an emotional barrier less. You can focus on your partner’s needs, respond to his or her desires, and feel like you’ve provided a great experience to the one you love.
Receiving can sometimes be more difficult. Acknowledging personal desires can be a challenge for some. This means taking time to consider what those sexual desires are and having a willingness to express them. This might feel a little bit selfish if you’ve been socialized to focus more on giving (“it’s better to give than to receive”) or can feel particularly vulnerable because it’s such an intimate experience.
Though this reluctance to receive sexually can happen for either partner, it’s especially prevalent among women, who may feel pressured to conform with traditional gender expectations.[iv] These gendered norms may dictate to a woman that it’s her responsibility to give her partner sexual pleasure and to be selfless rather than expressing her own needs and desires. It’s important to know though, that failing to acknowledge one’s own desires and instead making sex male-focused actually decreased sexual satisfaction for both partners. [v] (Read more about not silencing women’s needs in sex here.)
Willingly receiving from your partner, just like being a gracious recipient of a gift, allows for greater intimacy and connection in the relationship and more satisfaction for everyone. Though sometimes women don’t realize it, most men want to give sexual pleasure to their partner and find joy in connecting on this intimate level.[vi]
It just feels more joyful when both you and your partner are caught up in the sweet expression of giving and receiving. You’ll feel more satisfied with your relationship and more committed to each other.[vii] There is some magic when you can sense that your partner truly cares and is responsive to your needs, when you are willing to share your intimate desires, and when you lovingly give to your partner, the relationship is likely to flourish and a greater connection and satisfaction will grow.
“O all who give and receive gifts, such as they are wisest.” -Gift of the Magi
Questions to consider:
- Am I comfortable with both giving and receiving in sex? If not, can I discuss with my partner some of my concerns, fears, or hesitations?
- Is there something that is holding me back from fully giving in sex? How can I confront this in myself and more willingly give to my partner?
- Is there something that is holding me back from receiving in sex? How can I confront this in myself and more willingly receive from my partner?
[i] https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/
[ii] Van Lange, P. A. M., Rusbult, C. E., Drigotas, S. M., Arriaga, X. B., Witcher, B. S., & Cox, C. L. (1997). Willingness to sacrifice in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72(6), 1373–1395. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.72.6.1373
[iii] Waite, L. J., & Gallagher, M. (2001). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier, and better off financially. Random House Digital, Inc.
[iv] Sanchez, D. T., Crocker, J., & Boike, K. R. (2005). Doing gender in the bedroom: investing in gender norms and the sexual experience. Pers Soc Psychol Bull, 31(10), 1445-1455. doi:10.1177/0146167205277333
[v] Sanchez, D. T., Crocker, J., & Boike, K. R. (2005). Doing gender in the bedroom: investing in gender norms and the sexual experience. Pers Soc Psychol Bull, 31(10), 1445-1455. doi:10.1177/0146167205277333
[vi] Waite, L. J., & Gallagher, M. (2001). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier, and better off financially. Random House Digital, Inc.
[vii] Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2015). Good, giving, and game: The relationship benefits of communal sexual motivation. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 6(2), 164-172.
Amber Price
Amber A. Price has a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development from Brigham Young University and is currently working on her doctorate. Her research interests focus on an individual’s sense of self and how it is associated with intimate relationships such as sexuality and emotional intimacy, with a particular interest in women’s experiences. Amber has been married to Josh for 19 years and they have 4 sons. You can find more from Amber at https://amberaprice.com.