I’ve got a blonde, curly-haired, three-year-old niece who loves to put on a pretty new dress or a pair of sparkly shoes and then twirl around and ask, “how do I look like?” It’s become a bit of a household saying in our family now to repeat, “how do I look like?” We laugh at the cute innocence of a little one learning to phrase what she, and all of us, are often wondering–how do I look right now?
How often each day do you think about how you look? When you pass a mirror do you pause to consider your appearance? Do you wonder to yourself how others see you when you leave the house? Do you compare yourself to the people you pass on the street or the images you watch on tv, see on social media, or pass on freeway billboards?
At my niece’s age the question is still filled with innocence and her self-image is still unscarred by the world. She loves herself and what she looks like. She admires her image in the mirror and when she asks, “how do I look like?” she’s sure this new dress turns her into a princess, or these sparkly shoes are just the thing to complete her outfit. At this point, it’s pure adoration for herself and her body. She’s oblivious to “imperfections” that will likely plague her in years to come.
Sometime during her growing up years, these feelings are likely to change. Somewhere in the adolescent years, feelings about self-image are likely to be damaged, especially for girls.1 Even if self-image is unmarred, it’s incredibly common to focus a lot of your attention on how you look. So many of the messages directed at us, particularly through media, emphasize appearance as the greatest indicator of a person’s worth. And we are buying into these messages.
Body image is one of the largest contributors to feelings of self-worth 2 but it’s a constant challenge to stay positive about your body when advertisers and filmmakers are determined to convince you that nothing short of airbrushed, ultra-thin, flawless perfection is acceptable. Though this phenomenon occurs for men and women alike, it’s no secret that women’s bodies are often sexualized and idealized in media, and research shows that women are more likely to feel objectified than men. 3
One of the most harmful aspects of the sexualized and objectifying images so pervasive in our society is something that researchers call self-objectification. When a person is surrounded by a constant flow of messages indicating that what truly matters is her appearance, she often internalizes this message and begins to view herself as she believes others do, or to take a third-person perspective of her body. In this case, rather than fully living the moment and being present in her experiences, thoughts of appearance are so all-consuming that she loses that mind-body connection that allows for full enjoyment of an experience, and instead, watches like an observer, too worried about what she looks like to focus on how she feels.
As you can imagine, this disconnect between body and mind can be particularly problematic in a sexual setting. Sex is already a highly vulnerable experience and if you’re worried about body image, the anxiety only gets worse during sex. It’s hard to focus on feeling bodily sensations and to remain present in the experience if you’re worried about that roll of fat that you’ve been meaning to lose or what he might think of your thighs. To fully enjoy a sexual experience, most women need a significant amount of physical touch and stimulation and if she can’t fully experience the internal sensations connected with the physical touch, a woman is unlikely to have a fully satisfying experience.
So, with such a strong societal emphasis on women’s body image today, what can you do and how can you overcome this? It isn’t easy to cast off these false and idealized images and embrace yourself as you are. But doing so can improve not only your sexual quality, it can also improve your capacity for emotional intimacy and close connections with others. When you accept who you are, flaws and all, you are more available for close relationships and happier in your connections with others. It’s something worth working on.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE FAKE BEHIND THE IMAGES
First of all, recognize that so much of what you are shown is just plain fake. The majority of women portrayed on television and in movies are in their 20s and 30s even though that accounts for only a fraction of adult women. The women shown in media are also often extremely thin—often even thinner than the criteria for anorexia. 5 Magazine and media images are typically airbrushed and altered to make women appear flawless and thin. These images are not real. They do not portray realistic, achievable, or healthy standards for adult women.
CHANGE YOUR DEFINITION OF WHAT MAKES YOU WORTHY
Second, and probably even more important to realize is that your worth is not tied to your appearance, no matter what society tries to tell you. The person you are, the things you do to love and care for others, the relationships you form, the qualities that make you unique, these are the things that matter. I recently had the tender experience of dressing my 90-year-old grandma’s body for burial and it was a sweet reminder for me of what truly matters. As I reflected on her life, it was not her appearance that left its mark on my mind. It was the relationship I had with her, the things I learned from her, and the love that she always gave me that mattered. It didn’t matter that her body had aged and withered. What mattered was who she was on the inside and the life she chose to live. Don’t let someone take that from you by losing focus on who you are because you are worried about what you look like.
APPRECIATE YOUR BODY
Finally, appreciate the body that you have. I love to go to a Zumba class at the local rec center because it makes me feel strong and capable. I can move my body and exercise it to keep it healthy while appreciating what it is able to do (and it’s a lot of fun too). As I look around me and see other women, literally of all ages, body shapes, and a wide variety of races, doing the same, it always makes me smile. These are women loving and caring for their body, trying to keep it healthy through exercise, and not worrying about how goofy they might look as they shake their shoulders and wiggle their hips.
Look at your body and consider what a gift it is.
- What can it do that you appreciate?
- What does it do for you that you enjoy each day?
- Each day look in the mirror and think of one thing that you appreciate about your body and what it can do.
As you learn to cast off the false and idealized expectations from society and learn to love and appreciate your body and focus your sense of self-worth on things that matter, you can be more present in your sexual relationship and focus on what really matters-connection between you and your partner. As you learn to refocus your self-worth on things that truly matter, you’ll find more happiness, love, and connection. And it’s worth the work it takes to get there.
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Amber Price
Amber A. Price has a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development from Brigham Young University and is currently working on her doctorate. Her research interests focus on an individual’s sense of self and how it is associated with intimate relationships such as sexuality and emotional intimacy, with a particular interest in women’s experiences. Amber has been married to Josh for 19 years and they have 4 sons. You can find more from Amber at https://amberaprice.com.
Footnotes
- Impett, E. A., Sorsoli, L., Schooler, D., Henson, J. M., & Tolman, D. L. (2008). Girls’ relationship authenticity and self-esteem across adolescence. Developmental psychology, 44(3), 722.
- Chrisler, J. C., & Johnston-Robledo, I. (2018). Woman’s embodied self: An introduction. In Woman’s embodied self: Feminist perspectives on identity and image.(pp. 3-14).
- Fredrickson, B. L., & Roberts, T. A. (1997). Objectification theory: Toward understanding women’s lived experiences and mental health risks. Psychology of women quarterly, 21(2), 173-206.
- Steer, A., & Tiggemann, M. (2008). The role of self-objectification in women’s sexual functioning. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 27(3), 205-225.
- Wiseman, C., Gray, J., Moismann, J., & Ahrens, A. (1992). Cultural expectations of thinness in women: An update. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 11, 85–89.