Thomas Moore, an Irish poet, said, “Sex and religion are closer to each other than either might prefer.”i Despite his observation, our culture is becoming less religious in the last few decades, but more fixated on sex. Some media headlines even want to blame failed marriages on the damage religion can cause to a sexual relationship. .ii
I’m a deeply religious person, so when I read a number of articles that suggested that religion has ruined people’s sexual experience, I had to research this issue and see what was really going on. As it turns out, although there may be some truth to the claim that religion and sex don’t work well together, like most things, it’s a little more complicated than the headlines make it appear.
What really seems to be the key is how you interpret your religious doctrine and whether you value the role of sex in building a strong, vibrant marriage.
What are the religious doctrines you subscribe to?
Though some religious teachings are body negative—the body is a weak vessel that leads to temptation and sin, many religious doctrines refer to the body as a gift that should be celebrated for the power it gives us to love and serve others. Our attitudes about sex are likely tied to our thoughts about our physical body—and those can be complicated.
In addition to lessons about how our physical bodies might lead us to lust and sexual experiences that are not in keeping with religious regulations, some religious adherents view sex as a “necessary evil” that must be tolerated to create children. However, most religious doctrine, including that of many Christian, Muslim, and Jewish sects, teaches that sex is more than just for creating a baby. Although not always taught perfectly, or not always understood perfectly, most religions maintain that marital sex is divinely instituted and approved of by God.iii
In fact, one devout Black Christian woman explained to her children, “This (their sexual relationship) is keeping Jesus happy, because [our] marriage bed is undefiled.” She further explained, “So, if you want to know what’s going on [in our bedroom], Mama and Daddy are just keeping Jesus happy.” This joyful perspective is what some scholars call sexual sanctification, which is a view that sex is approved by God as a way to create strong bonds in marriage.
Sexual sanctification links to a number of great outcomes for couples—more commitment, fulfillment, and satisfaction. Research shows that couples who feel sex is sanctified hold their sexual experiences as sacred, deeply meaningful, and place a high degree of value on making sure each other’s needs are met.iv Other research confirms the positive outcomes of viewing sex as sanctified and employing the motivation to meet a partner’s needs and call this sexual communion.v In fact, sexual communion creates feels of union, closeness, and a deeper empathy for a partner. Sexual communion is associated with higher levels of fulfillment, pleasure, and happiness.
Have negative ideas about sex crept into your attitudes?
Although highly religious people from many religions openly shared how sex was a beautiful, sanctified part of their marriage, they also readily acknowledge that religion CAN play a negative role in their sexual attitudes.vi One Catholic man described his early doctrinal exposure in this way, “[Religious teachings about sex] certainly has closed me up. [Instead of being afraid of sex], I think that God would encourage you to use this body in a correct [way], in an honorable way.” So instead of adopting the negative teachings, this religious man chose to modify his understanding of his doctrine to be more positive.
If you are plagued by the idea that sex within a loving marriage is still shameful or carry around a form of sexual guilt from religious expectation or experience, sexual sanctification may help alleviate some of the negative consequences. Research shows that those who can view sex as divinely approved of God can shed the unnecessary burdens of sexual guilt and create a positive link between their religious beliefs and sexual satisfaction.vii
If you have adopted negative attitudes towards sex, what are some ways you can begin to challenge these ideas? One method may be mindfulness. Slowing down your thoughts and curiously questioning the origin and truth of these thoughts is one simple way to work through sexual shame. Acknowledging that God delights in strong marriages and built our sexuality into our bodies as a way to bolster the connection men and women experience in sex may help you to overcome these negative feelings.
Is sex a partnership with God or a taboo topic?
What research is really pointing to is that religions can have a variety of effects on a couple’s sexual attitudes and behaviors. How individuals and couples interpret and apply their respective religious teachings may be more influential than which religion they ascribe to or how often they attend church/synagogue/mosque. When sexuality is thought of as a covenant with a higher purpose, or even a form of worship, it strengthens marriages and is more satisfying. As one woman put it—sex is even a way to make God happy.
Sanctified sex appears to provide couples with a sense of power, particularly within a long-term, monogamous marriage. When sex is viewed as a common, beneficial activity, sex promotes commitment and unity with your partner as well as God. Most couples in our research heartily acknowledged that sex is pleasurable and that feeling attraction and chemistry with their partner is important, but even more important was the connection and unity that sex brought into their relationship.
Religion and sex can blend beautifully or create an unhealthy conflict, but the results largely depended on how the individual internalized their religious doctrine. Even within the same religion, individuals may have different interpretations on religious teachings. Mindfully consider how your own doctrine, whatever religion you belong to, may be interpreted in a way that is more embracing of a strong, vibrant sexual relationship within your marriage.
How you answer this question may impact your sexual beliefs, attitudes, and practices AND have far-reaching consequences for the power of your marriage.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.