I didn’t grow up in a family that talked much about sex. To be quite frank, I was terrified of the topic until I took several college classes and learned how sex is a holistic experience, rather than a purely physical act. I have come to understand that healthy sexuality in marriage includes an emotional, physical, and spiritual connection between spouses. This knowledge helped to calm my fears surrounding sexuality. I now realize sex is a beautiful, Godly, bonding experience for wives and husbands. Now that I have a broader knowledge and vocabulary surrounding sexuality, and understand it more, I am better equipped to converse about it with others.
Talking to kids about sex can be hard. Research has shown that often parents either don’t know what to say to their kids, or they fear that their kids do not want to hear from them when it comes to discussing sex.[i] Parents might not feel completely comfortable with their own sexuality—and if they grew up in a home like mine, they might not be used to having these conversations within their family. However, kids want and need to hear from their parents about sex and sexuality![ii] If you’re feeling nervous about talking to your kids about sex, here are three tips that can make talking to your children about sex less intimidating.
1- Build and Maintain a Strong Parent-Child Relationship
One of the best ways to ensure talking about sex and sexuality is a positive experience for both you and your child is to work on building a strong relationship with them before they start asking questions about sex. If you already have a strong relationship with your child, then talking about sex, or any difficult topic for that matter, will come more naturally. Additionally, your child will feel like they can come to you and talk when they have questions or are unsure of what to do. Small actions such as listening to your child, being present and available, answering their questions, and spending quality time with them can help foster a strong parent-child relationship.
2- Break it Down Into Age-Appropriate Information
Helping kids to understand their bodies at a young age is important. One way you can do this is by reading age-appropriate literature with your child. There are many good books out there that can teach kids about bodies such as, “Who Has What? All about Girls’ Bodies and Boys’ Bodies” by Robie H. Harris. Another way to teach children is by talking about sexual anatomy during bath time or other private settings to make sure they know the proper terminology for their body parts. Creating and maintaining clear boundaries is another skill that is important for children to begin to understand at a young age. Talking to your child about consent and what is and is not appropriate for other people to do to them can never happen too early. For example, you could explain to your child that it is okay if they don’t want to engage with their boisterous aunt Cathy who hugs and kisses them endlessly. Help your children know, through example, that they are in control of their own bodies and their own boundaries.
3- Make Talking About Sex an Ongoing Conversation
Kids do not need to know everything about sex and sexuality all at once. Starting with the basics—like learning about their body parts—and adding on as children develop will allow them to build upon past experiences in order to create a more complete understanding of sexuality. Instead of having a one-time talk, try to incorporate talking about sexuality into your daily life. Doing this will make it seem normal and natural and your child will want to learn, leading to more organic conversations. By establishing sex and sexuality as regular and ongoing conversations in your home, you will be better able to understand where your child is at in their development of sexual intelligence. For example, it might be helpful to check in with your teenagers every couple of weeks to see how they are doing in coping with their sexual feelings or to find out if they have any concerns or questions. Doing this will provide you with the insight you need so you can prepare to talk about and answer the questions your child might have regarding sex and sexuality.
Taking the time to build a strong relationship with your child and then talking about sex and sexuality frequently can greatly enhance the comfort and security your child has around sexuality. Starting at a young age is best, but it’s never too late to begin these vital conversations. These simple steps can build a bridge of communication between you and your child that can last a lifetime. If you talk to your child about sexuality often and in a safe environment, they will be better prepared to grow up with a healthy and holistic view of sex, making the navigation of sexuality an uplifting journey.
Eliza Madsen is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University studying family life. She is currently preparing to begin her masters program in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. She hopes one day to be a professor of family life. She loves learning about healthy family relationships and sexuality in marriage through the lense of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. When she is not in school, you will find her outdoors playing pickleball or tennis, hiking, running, or rafting the river. Eliza grew up in Rexburg, Idaho, and is the oldest of six children.
[i] Pariera, K. L., & Brody, E. (2018). ‘Talk more about it’: Emerging adults’ attitudes about how and when parents should talk about sex. Sexuality Research & Social Policy: A Journal of the NSRC, 15(2), 219-229. https://doi.org/10.1007/s13178-017-0314-9
[ii] Amanda Holman & Jody Koenig Kellas (2018) “Say something instead of nothing”: Adolescents’ perceptions of memorable conversations about sex-related topics with their parents, Communication Monographs, 85:3, 357-379. https://doi.org/10.1080/03637751.2018.1426870