How You See Yourself Might Influence Your Relationships

When the movie The Greatest Showman hit theaters several years ago, audiences went wild for it. They loved the music, they loved the dancing, and they loved the inspirational storyline. But what really lingered in the hearts of many was the image of the bearded lady. She sang boldly that though she was bruised and broken and though she was shunned by society, she was confident in who she was and proudly declared “This is me!”

This message spoke to the hearts of so many, perhaps because we all yearn to feel the way the bearded lady did—proud of who we are, in spite of our imperfections or perceived inadequacies. It can be hard to maintain good feelings about ourselves in a world that constantly tells us who we “should” be. Media images show us what we are “supposed to look like,” Instagram feeds give us a peek into others’ idealized worlds, and even conversations with others can leave use confused about what to prioritize and what to leave behind.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf acknowledged this challenge in stating, “God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths.”[1]

When we compare ourselves it’s often to false or idealized perceptions, and those are impossible standards to meet. In this digital age, media makes it so easy to use others as a superficial measuring stick, which is why having a strong and stable sense of who you are really matters.

People who are more able to maintain positive feelings about themselves enjoy several benefits. Those who avoid looking to others to shape who they are typically have higher self-esteem[2] and more happiness in their marriage or other relationships. On the other hand, lower self-esteem inhibits connecting with others.[3][4]   Sadly, those endless social comparisons and buy-in to media or other’s false perceptions may damage relationships.

People who have a clear and consistent picture of who they are and have a positive, balanced image of themselves are likely have happier marriages, friendships, and even sexual relationships.[5] Recognizing your own imperfections (we all have them) and being willing to work at them, as hard as it may be, can improve not only your own life, but the lives of the people you love. When you feel secure and comfortable with yourself, in spite of your imperfections, you are more willing to connect with others. It can sometimes feel scary to let someone see you as you truly are, to talk about what you’re struggling with in life, and to allow someone to see the full you-flaws, weaknesses, fear, vulnerabilities, and all. But being able to talk about your hardships with someone else is a great connecting point! Sharing from the deeper parts of ourselves allows others into a deeper connection with us as well.

Think about someone you feel like you are able to connect deeply with on an emotional level. What is it about this person that connection so easy?  Often these people are willing to be themselves. They don’t put on pretenses or try to appear better than they are. Instead, they are real, authentic, willing to be vulnerable, and willing to be known. You know their good points but you also know their weaknesses. Because of this, you feel connection and comfort in their presence. Someone like this is strong in their sense of who they are and comfortable with it, making them more willing to let down their walls and share of themselves.

Figuring out who you truly are,  without using the world’s descriptions of who you “should” be, can help you love yourself. When you are true to who you are at your core, you are better able to share that person with others because you are not worried about superficial comparisons. As you work at this (and it IS work—that’s to be expected!) you will notice that your relationships with others deepen and you are able to form deep and lasting connections.

Questions to Think About:

  1. In what ways do I allow others to define who I am? (Some examples might include social media, body image, gender expectations, comparing abilities with others, etc.)
  2. If I stopped worrying about who others think I “should” be, what parts of who I am would be left? Who do *I* want to be?
  3. Am I willing to let others see who I truly am or do I hide my true self? Why might I be hiding parts of who I am? Does this vary depending on who I am interacting with?
  4. How can I be truer to who I am at my core, even when it is hard to feel like others might be judging me?
  5. What steps can I take to more fully embrace the person I want to be?

[1] Uchtdorf, Dieter F. Forget Me Not, October 2011 General Conference

[2] Jaret, C., Reitzes, D. C., & Shapkina, N. (2005). Reflected appraisals and self-esteem. Sociological Perspectives, 48(3), 403-419.

[3] Meltzer, A. L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Body image and marital satisfaction: evidence for the mediating role of sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 156-164. doi:10.1037/a0019063

[4] Mercurio, A. E., & Landry, L. J. (2008). Self-objectification and Well-being: The Impact of Self-objectification on Women’s Overall Sense of Self-worth and Life Satisfaction. Sex Roles, 58(7-8), 458-466. doi:10.1007/s11199-007-9357-3

[5] Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. WW Norton & Company.

Amber Price

Amber A. Price has a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development from Brigham Young University and is currently working on her doctorate. Her research interests focus on an individual’s sense of self and how it is associated with intimate relationships such as sexuality and emotional intimacy, with a particular interest in women’s experiences. Amber has been married to Josh for 19 years and they have 4 sons. You can find more from Amber at https://amberaprice.com.

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