“I am grateful for you.” No matter your love language, those words bring peace to those who receive them. Gratitude strengthens relationships not only through receiving but also through giving. Research shows that those who hold feelings of gratitude for their significant other are more likely to express their gratitude, and this interchange leads to a deeper connection between partners.[1]
FIND REMIND BIND
Also known as the find-remind-and-bind theory, when a person finds new aspects of their partner to be grateful for or is reminded of things they are grateful about their partner and shares these feelings, the couple is further bonded in their relationship.[2] When life gets busy or challenging, when your relationship feels dull or distant, an expression of gratitude can act, as one scholar coined, as a relationship “booster shot,” and bring you closer together.[3] Small moments of sharing appreciation for each other can become a constant source of renewal in your relationship.
Take a moment to think about one thing you are grateful for about your partner. What emotions does this bring up for you? Are you reminded of kind gestures your partner has made, a time when they listened to you or were aware of your needs? How does the feeling of gratitude manifest in your body, do you feel peaceful, energetic, or butterflies? Expressing gratitude includes being aware of things about your partner that make you happy. In this sense, gratitude can be a practice in mindfulness because you are fully in the moment of accepting the affirmations from your partner and intentionally sharing feelings of appreciation for your partner.
GRATITUDE DOESN’T JUST STRENGTHEN YOUR OVERALL RELATIONSHIP
Research suggests that being grateful can increase a couple’s desire to meet each other’s sexual needs, leading to greater sexual satisfaction.[4] Giving and receiving gratitude are both linked to feeling motivated to meet your partner’s sexual needs without compromising your own sexual pleasure.[5] In a grateful mindset, both partners are aware of each other’s needs, they are finding ways to meet each other’s needs, and both are grateful for the other. Meeting each other’s sexual needs means that you need to share what your needs and desires are, and gratitude may be an avenue to open up that channel of communication.
There is a strong possibility that gratitude may increase sexual communication and help couples better express their needs and desires because individuals feel more comfortable sharing their emotions when they feel and receive expressions of gratitude (Collins & Miller, 1994; Lambert & Fincham, 2011).As we have discussed before on chelomleavitt.com, sometimes it is difficult to express your wants and needs within your sexual relationship. When you feel grateful for your partner and they express their appreciation for you, it builds trust and increases willingness to share vulnerable emotions about sex. Gratitude is a different kind of foreplay that prepares you emotionally to connect more deeply with your partner.
GRATITUDE IS A STATE OF BEING
Iyanla Vanzant shares, “We think we have to do something to be grateful or something has to be done in order for us to be grateful, when gratitude is a state of being.” This week, create a quiet moment to consider what you are grateful for about your partner, and share it with them. As you share your gratitude, be present in the moment with your partner. Gaze into their eyes, be aware of the emotions that arise, the feeling of their hand in yours, and the words that you say to each other. Accept the words that they give you and allow yourself to feel appreciated in that moment. Regularly sitting with gratitude and sharing mindful moments with your partner not only brings you closer but deepens a bond that will bless your sexual relationship as well.
[1] [3] Algoe, S. B. (2012). Find, remind, and bind: The functions of gratitude in everyday relationships. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 6(6), 455–469. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2012.00439.x
[2] Algoe, S. B., Haidt, J., & Gable, S. L. (2008). Beyond reciprocity: gratitude and relationships in everyday life. Emotion (Washington, D.C.), 8(3), 425–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/1528-3542.8.3.425
[4] [5] Brady, A., Baker, L. R., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2020). Gratitude Increases the Motivation to Fulfill a Partner’s Sexual Needs. Social Psychological and Personality Science.
[6] Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 116, 457. Lambert, N. M., & Fincham, F. D. (2011). Expressing gratitude to a partner leads to more relationship maintenance behavior. Emotion, 11, 52–60.
Jenna Lawlor
Jenna M. Lawlor is a master’s student at Brigham Young University working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt on a degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Her research interests include adolescent sexual health, sex education, and preventing sexual abuse. She is currently creating a mindfulness sex education intervention for middle school students to test if mindfulness can be utilized in sex education to help adolescents develop healthy sexual attitudes. She loves working with teenagers to help them see their worth and potential.
Jenna has been married to her sweetheart James for a year. Along with Oli, the sidekick Goldendoodle, their first year of marriage has consisted of lots of laughs (much of which resulted from watching Brooklyn 99), snowboarding, hiking, and camping. Jenna spends her free time writing, being outside, and volunteering for a local rape crisis center. She aspires to become a mother and Family Life Educator, both of which will fulfill her lifelong goal to help children and adolescents develop healthy and happy relationships.