“I Am Here For You”: Four Mantras and Sexual Mindfulness

Distraction during sex is one of the biggest problems couples face. Distraction is particularly problematic if desire, arousal, or orgasm is an issue for you or your partner. For that reason, being truly present with your partner is a powerful gift. Some experts have said the most valuable thing we can give our partner is our presence.[i] Consider these beautiful mantras Thich Nhat Hanh described and how they might increase your presence in your relationship:

• Darling, I am here for you
• Darling, I feel you are there
• Darling, I know you suffer, that is why I am here for you
• Darling, I suffer, I am trying my best to practice, please help me

Recite these mantras a number of times a day. Recite them as you walk alone; recite them with your partner; recite them as you meditate or pray. Their simple message can help recenter your focus on your relationship as you remind yourself to stay present and open to your partner. Here is a little more explanation of each mantra.

Darling I am here for you is gentle expression of presence. We are not looking for praise or attention or focused on receiving, but simply expressing that we are emotionally and physically present for our partner. Think how this might improve your sexual relationship. Research shows that being present in sex really improves arousal and satisfaction because it helps us pay attention to detail and not get distracted by judgment.[ii]

Darling, I feel you are there gives credit for the effort our partner makes to be available and attentive. This, too, is a game changer in sex. Unfortunately, too often, our minds are elsewhere during sex. This drift in thought is normal, but not ideal. Not only does this distract us from arousal, it can harm the connection we feel within the relationship. Try breathing and staying present each moment in sex. As we notice the details of arousal or feel curious about why some touch is pleasurable and other touch is not, we can explore these ideas with our partner to create greater intimacy.

Darling, I know you suffer. that is why I am here for you conveys a compassion that can speak directly to our partner’s sorrow or disappointment. We are aware, attentive, and available. We are not preaching, solving the problem, or dismissive. Sometime our partner may suffer because of a problem at work, or a conflict within the relationship, or even just because they are human and vulnerable to sorrow. This takes real skill and practice to sit with our partner during their pain and offer comfort and acknowledgment without pushing them to solve the problem our way or take our advice. Mm-hmm is a response to stay present but not dominate. I can see your pain or I am so glad you’d share this with me conveys a message that while you hear them, you are not trying to ‘fix them.’

When a sexual experience is disappointing, work at being present and not blaming. Instead, just share the disappointment and comfort one another. Couples who face sexual dysfunction or sexual disappointments together can still maintain satisfying sexual relationships.[iii]

Compassion research also confirms that being kind to yourself and your partner is a great way to create a strong relationship[iv] When we are kind to ourselves, that can’t help but spill over into our other relationships. Gentle appraisals of our thoughts, our mistakes, our body, and our emotions helps us see ourselves more clearly. That enables us to see each other more clearly and to be patient with our own and others’ insecurities and mishaps of being human.

Darling, I suffer, I am trying my best to practice. Please help me. This is the most difficult mantra to say and truly mean. We each feel wounded by our partners at times and want to isolate ourselves and maybe even punish our partner for their insensitivity. However, if instead, we reach out, explain our feelings, and ask for help from our partner, we are likely to find solutions and to find them faster. As we remind them that we are trying to practice patience, acceptance, and non-judgment, they too can be compassionate and gentle with the relationship.

Research on mindfulness and forgiveness is clear; mindfulness helps us to forgive and have more gentle appraisals of ourselves and others.[v] When we can take a breath and think about all the circumstances of a problem, we are more likely to be understanding and tolerant of mistakes. This is not to say we’re a living doormat. Wisely, we need to be clear that there is a problem and it needs addressing, but we can also be patient and gentle as we and our partner make efforts to change or remedy the situation. That response builds a strong relationship. It neither ignores or over-reacts to the problem.

Try out these mantras. They might change how you look at yourself. They might even change your relationship. If you can manage, repeat them 3-5 times a day to remind yourself that you ARE a gentle being, you ARE a compassionate being, and you ARE a grateful and forgiving being.

[i] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEUxFNkISnU

[ii] Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 45(6), 497-509.

[iii] Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “Good-Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351-362.

[iv]Jacobson, E. H. K., Wilson, K. G., Kurz, A. S., & Kellum, K. K. (2018). Examining self-compassion in romantic relationships. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 8, 69-73.

[v] Eyring, J. B., Leavitt, C. E., Allsop, D. B., & Clancy, T. J. (2020). Forgiveness and Gratitude: Links Between Couples’ Mindfulness and Sexual and Relational Satisfaction in New Cisgender Heterosexual Marriages. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 1-15.