Do you feel like anxiety creates a blockade between you and your partner? The ability to feel close to your partner – whether physically, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally – can be disrupted by anxiety. However, a little preparation can help you learn to manage triggers, focus on gratitude, and use mindfulness, which will open new avenues for you and your partner’s emotional intimacy to thrive.
Manage Triggers
Though you can’t anticipate every anxiety-inducing scenario, you can manage situations you know will trigger your symptoms. Rather than letting anxiety drive you away from meaningful experiences with your partner, choose to adapt. Pay attention to where triggers occur. Perhaps crowded restaurants escalate your anxiety, so you order your food to go and take it to a quiet park instead. Notice what induces anxiety. For example, when I am presented with too many options, I become so overwhelmed that I am unable to decide. To combat this anxiety, my husband and I play a game where he chooses four options, I choose three, he narrows it down to two, then I can easily pick the one I want. This makes my anxiety more manageable and keeps us both from becoming frustrated.
Dr. Stanley Hibbs1, a clinical psychologist, offers another technique for combatting discouragement caused by anxiety: using the word “nevertheless”. If I were to have used this phrase in Hobby Lobby, it might have sounded something like, “I am overwhelmed with all the options available at this store; nevertheless, I know my husband’s love is not dependent on which decorations we buy, so I will just choose one.” By employing the phrase “nevertheless”, you acknowledge the emotions you are feeling, but decide to act productively rather than fixating on an irrational thought.
Focus on Gratitude
Anxiety can cause you to turn inward. Combat this tendency by focusing on gratitude2. Your partner has sacrificed time (and often resources) to connect with you – choose to thank them! This will take active effort on your part. Vocalize your gratitude by saying things like “Thanks for spending this time with me. I’m glad we got to try out this new restaurant”, or “You are so patient with me. Thank you for listening.” Expressing gratitude out loud focuses our brain and prevents the spiral of anxious thoughts from coming between you and your partner.
Practice Mindfulness
Imagine if your partner was more focused on the score of an ongoing football game or on a social media post than on you. How would you feel? Your partner could feel similarly when you are playing out future hypothetical scenarios in your brain instead of living in the moment with them. Because anxiety lives in the future, it can be difficult to enjoy the present with your partner. This is why practicing mindfulness3 is crucial. Practicing mindfulness doesn’t mean you turn off your brain – it means you are aware of your thoughts and the present moment in a non-judgmental way. The opposite of judgement is curiosity. Why am I so concerned? Asking simple curious questions may allow you some space and compassion to create a more accepting internal environment. When you are mindful, you don’t immediately react to your thoughts and emotions (as anxiety often prompts you to do). You choose to tune into your body and senses.
In relationships, mindfulness can also include looking into your partner’s eyes and touching in gentle, intentional ways. Tune in to how you feel when you are together. Though verbal communication is crucial to a relationship – especially when one partner has anxiety – non-verbal behavior4 speaks volumes. Intentionally focusing your attention on your partner will allow you to remain present in the moment. As you take time to see deeply, the intimacy between you will grow.
Conclusion
Don’t allow anxiety to hijack your relationship. Though you can’t make it magically disappear, there are steps you can take right now to lessen the effect it has on your romantic relationship. You can increase your emotional intimacy with your partner. You can enjoy an evening out with them. You can be present. The first step may be as easy as recognizing and managing your triggers.
- Sussex Publishers. (2014, February 23). A magic word to overcome anxiety. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201402/magic-word-overcome-anxiety-1
- Carpenter, T. (2023, September 18). Gratitude: The antidote to anxious thoughts?. Wholeheartedly. https://www.patheos.com/blogs/wholeheartedly/2023/09/gratitude-the-antidote-to-anxious-thoughts/
- Arlin Cuncic, M. (2023, September 25). How mindfulness-based relationship enhancement can benefit you. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-mindfulness-based-relationship-enhancement-4685242
- Skilton, R. (2018, November 23). How to improve communication in relationships and increase intimacy. Lifehack. https://www.lifehack.org/794631/improve-communication-in-relationships
Sydney Oaks is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University. She is majoring in Family Life with a focus on family studies and hopes to one day work with a non-profit organization to help families strengthen their relationships. She loves families and even has a small photography business that allows her to capture their special moments. Sydney has been married to her sweetheart, Jake, since summer 2023, and they are excited to see what adventures life has to offer them!