If you’ve picked up your phone today or turned on your television, you’ve probably—although possibly unwittingly–received some messages about yourself and who you “should be.” Maybe it was the super-thin model on your favorite TV show or the extremely muscular man in the ad you saw that sent you a message about what your body should look like. Maybe it was the picture on Instagram of your neighbor’s newly redecorated living room that reminded you that you’ve got dirty carpet and you’re not the housekeeper you wish you were. Maybe it was the healthy meal ideas in your Pinterest feed that caused you some shame about the ice cream sundaes you had last night. Do any of these sound familiar?
And not all of the messages about who you “should be” come through a screen. Sometimes it’s the trip to the park with your kids where you see other parents pushing their kids on the swing when you just wanted to sit and read your book and the mom guilt kicks in. Or maybe it’s a conversation with your brother or a friend that has you questioning your own decisions for your path in life when you compare them to his.
The point is, this world is filled with a constant stream of input about the way we choose to live our lives and who we are becoming. At times we succumb and might feel really bad about ourselves.
But these “should be” messages are not all negative. Sometimes the things we do can earn us praise from others. Maybe your most recent Facebook photo got 152 likes and comments like “you look amazing!” Or maybe the cake you baked was the favorite at the potluck dinner the other night. It might be that you were the one pushing your kid on the swing at the park while the parent on the bench read a book and you smugly knew you were nailing this parenting thing.
Guess what? Whether it makes us feel good or bad, comparing ourselves to others or allowing their praise or judgments to shape our identity may be problematic.
Take a minute to think about your day or week so far and what sort of input you’ve received from outside sources. Are the thoughts, feelings, or opinions of other shaping your view of yourself? Often this is happening so regularly and has become so inherent to your thoughts about yourself that you might not even realize it’s happening, but as you pay attention, you’re going to notice it happening more and more.
Seeking validation from others has become a common way of living. Often we do things hoping to be praised by others so that we can feel good about ourselves. Or we avoid doing or saying something because we worry that we will be criticized by someone for our opinion, idea, action, or choice.
Think about some of your activities or choices this week and your motivations behind them. For example:
- What made you post your most recent photo or status update to social media? Were you hoping for likes or comments to validate you on your appearance or your opinion? Or were you seeking out connections with others?
- Did you say yes to something that you really didn’t want to say yes to just because you wanted to please someone or get recognition for your involvement?
- Did you work out or choose to eat/not eat something because you are trying to live up to some false or idealized standard of appearance or beauty? Or did you care for your body out of genuine respect and love for it?
- Did you make a decision that didn’t feel entirely right to you (maybe in your parenting or at work) because you felt like it’s what others thought you should do? Or were you able to put others’ opinions aside and do what you truly felt was best?
- Did you criticize your spouse because they aren’t living up to the ideal of relationships you observe or your perceptions of what a relationship “should be?” Or do you openly address relationship problems acknowledging your part in it and willingly confronting yourself first?
When we spend our days seeking approval from others for the choices we make (what Dr. David Schnarch calls having a reflected rather than a strong sense of self),[i] a number of things can happen.
First, it can get confusing to know what choices to make because not every source is going to provide you with the same validation. For example, you might decide to take a family vacation in July, which makes you feel great about spending time with your spouse and kids. But maybe it also means that your son misses his soccer camp that he was expected to attend and the coach and other parents are unhappy. And maybe your teenagers don’t like the location you chose for the trip or the fact they have to leave their friends for the week. A relative might comment on how expensive that trip must have been and could make you feel guilty for spending the money. You feel torn because you realize you can’t please everyone in this scenario. Every choice you make could displease someone, and it can get very confusing to know what to choose in any situation if you are always trying to please others.
Second, when you are focused on pleasing others instead of making your own decisions based on how you truly feel, you can lose the ability to connect intimately with other people. For example, if you are overly concerned with your physical appearance and with trying to achieve an idealized body based on someone else’s standards (e.g. media), you can lose touch with what your body is actually experiencing. You might spend so much time focusing on how you look that you don’t recognize how you feel.[ii] .[iii] When you are focused on what you perceive as others’ opinions of you or desires for you, your focus is drawn away from the relationship and hinders your ability to connect.
On the other hand, those who are able to maintain a strong sense of self are more likely to have satisfying relationships and create deeper connections. Having a strong sense of self means clearly and consistently knowing who you are, remaining stable in your self-worth, and feeling like you’ve got a choice in continuing to become who you want to be.[iv] In simple terms, a strong sense of self is your BEST self.
This doesn’t mean that you have to toss aside every thought or opinion that others have of you. There are times when you might need some constructive feedback from a trusted loved one and times you might need to self-confront some of your flaws in order to achieve personal growth and better relationships. Most of us genuinely want to be good people and are striving to become something even better than who we already are and with that comes some acknowledgment of our own imperfections.
But as you learn to recognize your own desires and take into account the careful feedback from respected others who are close to you, you can grow closer to becoming your best self and to feeling more authentic and real. You can then share that self deeply with another without fear of rejection or disappointment because you are strong in the sense of who you are. You recognize your own imperfections and weaknesses, but because you are not seeking outside validation, they don’t hold you down. You will be less afraid of being known by another and you will have more brain space to engage in meaningful relationships.
As you go about this week, pay attention to the ways you seek validation from others or things you do to avoid what you perceive as others’ negative opinions. Then challenge yourself on why you are doing those things.
- If you weren’t concerned about others’ opinions, what would you truly desire?
- When you let go of the expectations of others, who do you want to be?
- How would you like to be defined? What qualities and actions matter to you the most?
As you recognize the unwanted input you’re receiving from others and distance yourself from the need for that external validation, you will become stronger and stronger in your own sense of self. As you learn to make your choices based on this strong and consistent internal sense of self, you will find that you are able to connect with friends, family, your spouse, and others in much more meaningful ways. When your mind isn’t clouded by worrying about how others perceive you or trying to live up to others’ standards, you can be more present in the experience, more willing to share who you are, flaws and all, and more willing to accept others on the same terms. And when you go to the park with your kids, instead of worrying about your choices because of what others might think, you can enjoy the moment playing with your kids or you can enjoy the chance to read your book-whatever it is that feels right to YOU.
[i] Schnarch, D. (2009). Intimacy & desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship. Scribe Publications.
[ii] Fredrickson, B. L., & Roberts, T. A. (1997). Objectification theory: Toward understanding women’s lived experiences and mental health risks. Psychology of women quarterly, 21(2), 173-206.
[iii] Calogero, R. M., & Thompson, J. K. (2009). Potential implications of the objectification of women’s bodies for women’s sexual satisfaction. Body Image, 6(2), 145-148. doi:10.1016/j.bodyim.2009.01.001
[iv] Flury, J. M., & Ickes, W. (2007). Having a weak versus strong sense of self: The sense of self scale (SOSS). Self and Identity, 6(4), 281-303. doi:10.1080/15298860601033208
Amber Price
Amber A. Price has a master’s degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development from Brigham Young University and is currently working on her doctorate. Her research interests focus on an individual’s sense of self and how it is associated with intimate relationships such as sexuality and emotional intimacy, with a particular interest in women’s experiences. Amber has been married to Josh for 19 years and they have 4 sons. You can find more from Amber at https://amberaprice.com.