Rachel sits across from a woman she has never met and explains why she hates sex. Lindsey, a sex therapist,[1] listens to the story she has heard time and time again from many of her female clients— [2] low desire, low arousal, no orgasm, painful intercourse, insecurity, frustration.[3] Although many potential reasons and treatments for sexual dysfunction exist,[4] Lindsey recognizes that practicing mindfulness could help Rachel overcome many of the root causes of her sexual problems, and, although it seems unconventional, she recommends the practice of sexual mindfulness—giving purposeful and nonjudgmental attention to the present moment during sexual experiences.[5]
The sad truth is that Rachel is not unique in her struggle to enjoy sex. Research suggests that women experience more sexual dysfunction than men in part because women tend to be less aware of their sexual response cycle, struggle to stay present during sexual encounters, have less understanding of how their bodies react to sexual stimuli, require more stimulation to reach heightened arousal and orgasm, and generally experience more sexual anxiety than men do.[6] These issues are further complicated by the fact that both men and women often do not understand female sexuality.[7] Additionally, U.S. society as well as other cultures have conditioned women to repress their sexual feelings and base their sexuality on their appearance and their partner’s satisfaction. [8]
Unfortunately, many therapists, doctors, and couples do not understand the benefits of slowing down the arousal process and paying closer attention to the details of sensation. Consequently, many sexual dysfunctions are regularly misdiagnosed as a sexual disorder and treated as a medical condition, overlooking many of the psychological causes of sexual dysfunction. Luckily there is good news: many professionals like Lindsey are beginning to address sexual dysfunction by putting some of the most recent research on female sexuality and mindfulness to use. Practicing sexual mindfulness can address many of the issues in female sexuality[9] because it enhances women’s ability to relax, focus on the present, and extend kindness and positivity to themselves.[10]
RELAX
Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.
– William Burroughs
Staying relaxed is one of the keys to having good sex, and yet sometimes just the mention of the word “relax” can fill people with anxiety! However, relaxing is a simple process that can be achieved by taking slow deep breaths, closing your eyes, listening to soothing music, repeating positive mantras to yourself, doing yoga, getting in a comfortable position, and more.
There are many benefits to relaxation. Relaxing helps to release muscle tension, which decreases pain and increases desire and arousal.[11] In addition, relaxing can also help arousal build without being suppressed by pent-up anxiety and emotion and can calm the mind so that the body can move through the sexual response cycle.2 Relaxing helps individuals self-soothe in moments of anxiety and act more intentionally in a calm state, which can contribute to healthier sexuality and greater satisfaction.5 Overall, relaxing during sexual experiences has the potential to increase sexual function, sexual pleasure, and overall mood. [12]
FOCUS ON THE PRESENT
If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.
–Amit Ray
Likewise, remaining actively aware improves women’s ability to notice when they feel desire and allows them to respond to the moment-by-moment sensations of the sexual experience, which can lead to higher levels of arousal and orgasm.6 Focusing on the present can be a challenge for many people, especially when they are confronted by internal and external distractions, but, with practice, it is very achievable. Once you feel relaxed, take it a step further: focus on your breathing, focus on your inner body, take a mental scan of your body and take note of any sensations, feel the emotions that arise, and, if your mind wanders, gently bring it back to what is right in front of you. There are some mindfulness practices here.
Staying present gives women the opportunity to cultivate greater intimacy as they learn to be more aware of and address not only the desires of their partner but their own as well.9 Being aware helps women focus on sexual stimuli and overcome the habit of suppressing their sexual response.[13] Awareness further teaches them to recognize distractions (such as household, family, and work responsibilities) and refocus on the present positive experience with their partner.
BE KIND AND POSITIVE
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
– Abraham Joshua Heschel
Be kind to yourself. Along with helping women to refocus, mindfulness also redirects women from negative thought patterns and helps them become more self-accepting, let-go of appearance-based and performance-based anxiety that decreases their sexual satisfaction.6 Society has taught women to hyper-focus on appearance and performance,[14] but these anxiety-inducing distractions inhibit women from actually enjoying sex because they constantly judge and criticize themselves, worrying that they are not doing enough.12
Have you ever felt embarrassed about your extra tummy roll, stretch marks, or saggy arms? That is needless distraction. Mindfulness, however, allows women to accept their body, desires, thoughts, and emotions. This simple act of acceptance reduces sexual anxiety and distraction by characterizing and setting aside negative thoughts, creating mental space for being present, and finding pleasure in sexual experiences.2 To create mental space for positive thoughts, you can practice overcoming negative distractions by recognizing, labeling, and letting go of the negative thought and then affirming something positive.
Lindsey’s homework for Rachel is to start practicing mindfulness for 10 minutes every day and recommends finding guided-meditation exercises online. She also suggests practicing mindfulness during mundane tasks[15] by focusing on the activity at hand, regulating deep breathing, identifying emotions and sensations in the body, and intentionally clearing the mind of distractions.5 Once Rachel feels comfortable with basic individual mindfulness, Lindsey instructs her to apply these mindfulness skills to sexuality by doing exercises such as sensate focus,[16] and by introducing sexual mindfulness activities—such as mindful hand-holding or mindful embracing—into her relationship with her partner.
Your name may not be Rachel, but you may share her experience. Before you assume you are broken or simply “not normal,” take Lindsey’s advice and practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is simple. It costs nothing, yet can transform your moment-to-moment experience. Mindfulness is within you, so it requires no coach, no gym, no fancy clothes, or special equipment. Just relax, remain aware, and begin to overcome negative patterns in your thought processes. The reward is an increase in your sexual desire, sexual arousal, ability to orgasm, and sexual satisfaction and well-being. Just breathe and release, remain aware of sensation, and let go of self-judgment. Become more mindful and watch the transformation begin!
Sage Smith is an undergraduate student in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University. She is studying human development and hopes to go to graduate school and become a marriage and family therapist. Sage is passionate about personal and family wellbeing and wants to help individuals and families find greater joy and satisfaction in their relationships. Sage has been married to her sweetheart, George, since April of 2020 and loves spending time and learning with him. Sage is an avid runner, an artist, and lover of the outdoors. More than anything, Sage loves her family.
[1] What does a sex therapist do? (2019). NHS. https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/sexual-health/what-does-a-sex-therapist-do/#:~:text=A%20sex%20therapist%20helps%20people,with%20problems%20relating%20to%20sex.
[2] Brotto, L. A., & Basson, R. (2014). Group mindfulness-based therapy significantly improves sexual desire in women. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 57, 43-54. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2014.04.001
[3] Leavitt, C. E., Leonhardt, N. D., & Busby, D. M. (2019b). Different ways to get there: Evidence of a variable female sexual response cycle. Null, 56(7), 899-912. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2019.1616278
[4] Sexual dysfunction and disorder: Treatments, symptoms and diagnosis. (2015). Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9121-sexual-dysfunction#:~:text=Sexual%20dysfunction%20refers%20to%20a,plateau%2C%20orgasm%2C%20and%20resolution
[5] Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019a). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Null, 45(6), 497-509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
[6] Newcombe, B. C., & Weaver, A. D. (2016). Mindfulness, cognitive distraction, and sexual well-being in women. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 25(2), 99-108. https://doi.org/10.3138/cjhs.252-A3
[7] Gottman, J., Gottman, J. S., Abrams, D., & Abrams, R. C. (2016). The man’s guide to women: Scientifically proven secrets from the love lab about what women really want. Rodale. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2017.1270673
[8] Feki, I., Smaoui, N., Sellami, R., Mnif, L., & Masmoudi, J. (2018). Effect of body image on Tunisian women’s sexual functioning. Sexuality & Culture: An Interdisciplinary Quarterly, 22(4), 1290-1299. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-018-9525-3
[9] Halvaiepour, Z., Yazdkhasti, F., Oreyzi, H. R., & Nosratabadi, M. (2020). Developing cognitive bias modification scenarios for women with sexual interest arousal disorder and comparing effectiveness with mindfulness Therapy. Null, 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2020.1842572
[10] Lazaridou, A., & Kalogianni, C. (2013). Mindfulness and sexuality. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 28(1-2), 29-38. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2013.773398
[11] Ekdahl, J., Flink, I., Engman, L., & Linton, S. J. (2018). Vulvovaginal pain from a fear-based avoidance perspective: A prospective study among female university students in Sweden. International Journal of Sexual Health, 30(1), 49-59. https://doi.org/10.1080/19317611.2017.1404543
[12] Morotti, E., Battaglia, B., Persico, N., Zampieri, M., Busacchi, P., Venturoli, S., & Battaglia, C. (2013). Clitoral changes, sexuality, and body image during the menstrual cycle: A pilot study. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(5), 1320-1327. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12103
[13] Dunkley, C. R., Goldsmith, K. M., & Gorzalka, B. B. (2015). The potential role of mindfulness in protecting against sexual insecurities. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 24(2), 92-103. https://doi.org/10.3138/cjhs.242-A7
[14] Montemurro, B., & Gillen, M. M. (2013). Wrinkles and sagging flesh: Exploring transformations in women’s sexual body image. Journal of Women & Aging, 25(1), 3-23. https://doi.org/10.1080/08952841.2012.720179
[15] Mindfulness tips—How to transform 9 mundane tasks into mindful moments. (2020). The Daily Positive. https://www.thedailypositive.com/9-mindfulness-tips/
[16] Sensate focus. (2019). Cornell Health. https://health.cornell.edu/sites/health/files/pdf-library/sensate-focus.pdf