When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.
— Martin Buber
Early in my marriage I was a student in a graduate program for Marriage and Family Therapy. It was perfectly timed—I was learning how to be part of a marriage right as I was taking classes on what made marriages happiest. This gave the lessons I was learning an extra layer of personalization and applicability.
I’ll never forget one class in particular. I’d rushed out the door to get to school on time, inconvenienced by one of our cars not working. As I left, I said some sharp words to my husband about not getting the car fixed quickly, and punctuated my comments by slamming the door behind me. I was in class and still self-righteously simmering when my professor said, “Love is opening up space so that your partner can arise as a legitimate other.” When we see others as legitimate, it means we understand that they are separate from us and possess a full and rich humanity–even a sense of divinity, that is as important and as deserving of respect as our own.
A LEGITIMATE OTHER
I sat in my classroom desk knowing that I just done the opposite: I had closed up space for my husband. I had delegitimized him. He had not been quick to fix the car, and I let that version of him drown out any other—including choosing to see him as a divine and “legitimate other” with wants and needs (and a schedule) of his own. My mistake sunk in, and I pictured how he deflated he looked as I left. I couldn’t wait for class to end so that I could head home and tell him I was sorry.
My professor was right: We love best when we see each other as real and whole human beings. What I learned later in my studies was that Martin Buber, an Austrian Jewish philosopher (1878-1965) saw this way of seeing as a pathway to experiencing God and the divine in each other.[i] We love best when we make space for another—their wants, needs, dreams, hopes, and even weaknesses. When we connect to each other in this way, we also connect with God, and vice versa: Connecting to the divine can help us connect to the best in each other.
This idea of seeing each other as whole and legitimate can be traced back to Christ, who taught His followers to “love thy neighbour as thyself.”[ii] That is, to love authentically means to allow others to have needs and wants and hopes that are as real to them as my own are to me. Buber introduced these ideas into the world of social science, where they changed the way therapists approach therapy. What began as a practice of working only with individuals (picture the lone patient reclining on Freud’s couch), Buber expanded to include looking at relationships (couples or family therapy).[iii]
Buber claimed that it is what happens between us in relationships that matters most, and what happens between us depends on how we see one another.[iv] [v]
I-IT AND I-THOU
There are two main ways to see another person, according to Buber. The first is called the “I-It” orientation. In this way of relating to another person, I would see the other person as an object. This means looking at them as a means to an end. In the “I-It” way of seeing, if you can fulfill my desires, great—get to it! But if you can’t, get out of my way.[vi] When I was frustrated at my husband, I was functioning in the “I-It” orientation by focusing only on that fact that he hadn’t fulfilled my desires.
The second (and far more fulfilling) way to see another person is called the “I-Thou” orientation. Thou is a formal, even Biblical, term for another person. Thou carries a sense of deep respect and divinity, as well as deep familiarity. Oliver Wendell Holmes (a physician and poet) said, “Don’t flatter yourselves that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. On the contrary, the nearer you come into relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become.”
In this same way, Buber used “I-Thou” to teach that in our most intimate relationships it becomes crucial to see each other in this more whole, human, and even holy way. When we see each other as whole and legitimate, then we open up space for them to arise as their best self, and it becomes a way to connect with another person and with God. In this I-Thou mindset, we offer others a measure of grace when we confront their imperfections (something we also hope to receive). When we look for and respond to the divine in our partner, they will be more likely to show up in our relationship presenting that divine part of themselves.
THE “I” IN I-THOU: FINDING THE DIVINE
The more I see you as “Thou” the more you can flourish in our relationship, in part because I will likely be kinder to you. But the more I see you as “Thou” will impact how much I can flourish in our relationship as well. If I am stuck in a pattern of seeing those closest to me as objects, or in an “I-It” orientation, I limit how much connection I can experience with others. My self-centeredness will literally limit the amount of divinity I can experience in my life. Instead of connecting to others as the divine and legitimate beings they are and experiencing that “electricity” Buber suggested might surge between us, I short-circuit that experience by failing to connect at all. I remain disconnected—and alone.
The fact that these two terms are hyphenated (I-Thou and I-It) means I can’t get away with just playing the part. When I do the work of seeing my spouse (or anyone else in my life) as a whole, legitimate, and divine being, then I can relate with you in truly meaningful—even profound–ways. Buber said that when two people relate to each other “authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.” We literally make space to sense the presence of God when we acknowledge who others truly are.
THINGS TO TRY
How can we learn to see each other as a whole, legitimate, and divine? How can we best be in the “I-Thou” orientation and relate to each other authentically? Mostly it involves simply choosing to do it. The next time you feel yourself seeing your spouse as an annoyance (he didn’t fix the car quickly enough), or even as a means to an end (how can I get her to go grocery shopping?), ask yourself whether you are looking at them as an object. If you are, make a conscious choice to look at your spouse in an I-Thou way. Choose to see your spouse as separate from you, and as someone who has wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings that are as legitimate as your own. Choose to exit your limited perspective and instead look for the divinity in them. Feel the shift that happens between you when you make that choice to be in the I-Thou orientation.
Another great idea is to try mindfulness. You might try a loving-kindness meditation, where you focus on immersing yourself in kind thoughts toward yourself and your spouse. One loving-kindness mediation can be found here. You might also try couples’ mindfulness exercises here
The more we relate to each other “authentically and humanly,” in an I-Thou orientation, the more we will sense the divine and authentic in each other. The more we love authentically, the more connected we can be. [vii]
[i] https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/05/06/modernity-faith-and-martin-buberi
[ii] Matt. 22:39, KJV
[iii] Fishbane, M. D. (1998). I, thou, and we: A dialogical approach to couples therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 24(1), 41–58. https://doi.org /10.1111/j.1752-0606.1998.tb01062.x
[iv] Arnett, R. (2004). A dialogic ethic: “Between” Buber and Levinas. In R. Anderson, L. A. Baxter, & K. N. Cissna (Eds.), Dialogue: Theorizing difference in communication studies(pp. 75–90). Sage.
[v] Friedman, M. S. (2002). Martin Buber: The life of dialogue. Psychology Press.
[vi] Fife, S. T. (2015). Martin Buber’s philosophy of dialogue and implications for qualitative family research. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 7(3), 208–224. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12087
[vii] Galovan, A. M., Carroll, J. S., Schramm, D. G., Leonhardt, N. D., Zuluaga, J., McKenadel, S. E. M., Oleksuik, M. R. (2021). “Satisfaction or connectivity?: Implications from the strong relationality model of flourishing couple relationships.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy:1-25.
Rebecca Clarke
Rebecca W. Clarke is a PhD student at Brigham Young University studying with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Her research focus is religion and sexuality, and she is currently working on papers dealing with sexual sanctification, sexual flourishing, and religiosity. Rebecca has been married to Sam Clarke for 24 years and they have four children.