My three-year-old daughter, Emma, is obsessed with Christmas lights. We went to a light display and her excitement level hovered at exuberant for over an hour. She said, “Mom, it’s like we’re lost in a magical forest!” And for a moment, I was lost with her—feeling the joy of little sparkles of light strung together. We ran from light display to light display and her wonder led us on. I enjoyed the lights, but for me, the real experience was seeing life through Emma’s eyes.
In new relationships, seeing life through our partner’s eyes comes easily. We see things from a fresh perspective, and life can feel full of new promise. We can even see ourselves through their eyes—and believe that we really will live happily ever after. But life gets sticky at times and as we face obstacles together and the dailiness of problems, we might begin to feel more struggle and fatigue than magical forests. We have had a number of articles on how to face conflicts in the relationship. In this post, we focus on how to create magic.
W. B. YEATS SAID, “THE WORLD IS FULL OF MAGIC THINGS PATIENTLY WAITING FOR OUR SENSES TO GROW SHARPER.” HERE ARE A FEW RESEARCH BASED, TRIED AND TRUE IDEAS FOR SHARPENING YOUR SENSES AND CREATING MAGIC IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP:
- You knew we had to say it.
But it’s true! Meditating can help you notice small details you’ve forgotten or overlooked. You can pause to see your partner and rediscover the magic that helped you fall in love. Try one of the meditation activities here. - Take a risk. You can encourage chemical changes in your brain by trying something new with your partner. Helen Fisher teaches that many of the chemicals that are at heightened levels early in the relationship can be boosted by doing a new activity with each other or having a particularly intimate conversation with each other.
- Visualize with each other. Take a minute to talk about dreams. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What do you want your relationship to look like in the future? Do you have a secret ambition that you might share? Have you discovered a key to unlocking a conflict in your marriage that the two of you can celebrate?
- Give thanks. This Find-Remind-Bind theory is pretty magical. Keep a gratitude book where you list small or big blessings that come from your spouse. Read them together and see the magic that unfolds from the practice of gratitude.
- Create rituals in your marriage. Some couples always see the new Marvel movies on opening night. Some couples cook together. Some couples hike a new trail each summer. Some couples have a cup of vanilla sleepytime tea at bedtime. Whatever the ritual, use it to create some magic. Men’s participation in family rituals are particularly important to women’s relationship satisfaction[i]. Remember, it only takes a moment to create a moment.
- Serve together. Donating time or resources to a charity may help couples feel shared meaning. Magic might strike when you volunteer at a community center or food bank, help an elderly neighbor, adopt a dog or cat, or secretly deliver a goodie to a friend.
- Write some notes and hide them. One fun way to create magic is to write 10 love notes to your sweetheart. Then hide them in places they will eventually happen upon—their Sunday dress shoes, their glovebox, or the picture section of their wallet. When they find the love note it will be a surprise for them and you when they express their unexpected delight.
“MAGIC EXISTS. WHO CAN DOUBT IT, WHEN THERE ARE RAINBOWS AND WILDFLOWERS, THE MUSIC OF THE WIND AND THE SILENCE OF THE STARS? ANYONE WHO HAS LOVED HAS BEEN TOUCHED BY MAGIC. IT IS SUCH A SIMPLE AND SUCH AN EXTRAORDINARY PART OF THE LIVES WE LIVE.”
― NORA ROBERTS
It’s easy and natural to begin to focus on the obstacles in life and in marriage–on the things that need to be done, or the things that we feel might never get done to our liking. We all need to feel some wonder, some delight, something that surprises us, something that helps us feel we are lost, for just a moment, in a magical forest. Your marriage is full of magic just waiting to be noticed.
[i] Fiese, B. H., & Tomcho, T. J. (2001). Finding meaning in religious practices: The relation between religious holiday rituals and marital satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 15(4), 597-609.
Chelom Leavitt
Dr. Chelom E. Leavitt teaches and researches healthy sexuality. She received her PhD from Penn State. Her research specifically examines how being present, accepting, and non-judgmental is linked to improved sexual functioning and satisfaction. Dr Leavitt’s research has been published in the top academic journals. She teaches seminars on sex and healthy relationships around the world. Chelom is married to David Leavitt and they have eight (yes, eight) children.