We are probably all feeling depleted recently from layers of discouraging world news—pandemic, wars, natural disasters, and inflation. On an individual level, we each are trying to hold relationships together, encourage depressed children/spouses who seem to have lost hope, and convince ourselves that we have the energy for one more day.
I recently visited with Dr. Kim Kimberling, a professional counselor and minister. He mentioned five ways to bolster our own well-being, as well as that of our partner, even when there is chaos around us. His five suggestions are grounded in research that has shown these strategies to be effective ways to better cope during struggles.
Here’s what he suggests:
- Prayer/meditation. For some, prayer or meditation seems too simple to be effective but research overwhelmingly shows many benefits of prayer,[i] salat,[ii] or meditation,[iii] and likely these benefits are enhanced through a process of internal dialogue.[iv] Prayer allows people to attach with something beyond themselves and encourages a sense of connectedness. The positive internal dialogue of any form of prayer can include more hopeful self-talk (internal), reflection on relationships with others (external), and connection with the Divine (upward).[v]
- Speak positively. In a systematic review of studies on self-talk, researchers found that positive and instructional talk was beneficial to sports and exercise performance.[vi] No matter what the activity, a little encouragement can increase our effort or help us develop more grit. When we are aiming to reconnect with those we love, it’s helpful to remember not to underestimate the power of a kind word of praise or support.
- Speak to your spouse’s potential. This skill is related to #2 but it focuses on motivating by addressing our partner’s possibilities.[vii] We certainly can acknowledge reality but try to leave some room for inspiration and larger promise. Some of the most invitational moments for change are when someone inspires us to see our greater potential.
- Take care of yourself: mentally, physically, spiritually. If you are drained, that can be a recipe for contention in your relationship. Take time to rest, eat, and connect with yourself. I like to get a cup of tea and snuggle in my bed with a great book. Once I’ve indulged myself for 30 minutes, I feel nourished and valued. When you have worries—write them down. Fix what you can and then pray or meditate about the rest. Not everything is fixable, but we can acknowledge that imperfection is OK and in fact, quite beautiful.
- Feel gratitude. In the Journal of Happiness, researchers reported that appreciating the positive aspects of life lead to less psychopathology, better interpersonal relationships, and improved physical health. Voltaire said, “Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well.” We are “twice blessed” as Shakespeare suggested by the gratitude we speak and the feelings of connectedness it engenders.
Mindfulness is a close relative of these five suggestions. Awareness and non-judgment may also help out a seemingly chaotic sexual relationship. When we feel more peace, connection, and control—we feel more attentive to our sexual needs and those of our partner.
As you aim to find a sense of peace in a time that might feel out of control, consider the following. Can you feel gratitude during an intimate moment and soak in the meaning of your relationship with your partner? Are you tending to your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs? Can you take time to feel the warmth of your partner’s touch? Notice the emotional boost or depletion that your relationship provides—and do so without judgment. Accepting what is in this present moment can help reorient you to a sense of peace that things are just as they should be.
If you are experiencing what most couples are experiencing since quarantine, you likely need to reorient the tone of interactions within your relationship. Write down five qualities that drew you to your partner, focus on their potential–not the slump they may have fallen into. This practice of disrupting routine is not giving your partner a free pass. Instead, it can help you maintain personal control by choosing to open your mind, heart, and body to the possibility of more joy, grace, forgiveness, and ultimately a deepening of the relationship.
[i] Puchalska-Wasyl, M.M., Zarzycka, B. Internal Dialogue as a Mediator of the Relationship Between Prayer and Well-Being. J Relig Health 59, 2045–2063 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10943-019-00943-2
[ii] Chamsi-Pasha, M., & Chamsi-Pasha, H. (2021). A review of the literature on the health benefits of Salat (Islamic prayer). Med J Malaysia, 76(1), 93-97.
[iii] Pandya, S. P. (2021). Meditation program mitigates loneliness and promotes wellbeing, life satisfaction and contentment among retired older adults: A two-year follow-up study in four South Asian cities. Aging & Mental Health, 25(2), 286-298.
[iv] Tod, D., Hardy, J., & Oliver, E. (2011). Effects of self-talk: A systematic review. Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 33(5), 666-687.
[v] Lazar, A. (2017). A reexamination of the structure of the Inward Outward Upward Prayer Scale. The International Journal for the Psychology of Religion,27(3), 141–153.
[vi] Tod, D., Hardy, J., & Oliver, E. (2011). Effects of self-talk: A systematic review. Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 33(5), 666-687.
[vii] Tod, D., Hardy, J., & Oliver, E. (2011). Effects of self-talk: A systematic review. Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 33(5), 666-687.