The wedding night: it can be one of the most memorable moments or it can create such intense anxiety that it’s exhausting. Here are a few tips to ease any nerves.
Start slow
For most, the wedding night is a highly anticipated night, but it can also bring about anxieties, fears, and insecurities. Many may ask, “So, what happens next?” “How do we even transition into a sexual relationship?” This is likely the first time you’ll see your partner naked. However, it doesn’t need to be anxiety inducing. In fact, this can be an exciting time as you get to know and connect with your partner in a new and deeper way. hat being said, it’s important to emphasize that this does not mean you must have penetrative sex on your wedding night.
Transitioning from 0 to 100 would be overwhelming to anyone, especially after a mentally and or physically exhausting day of celebration. So, remember to take it as slow as you need to and as slow as your partner needs to. Proceed at a pace that feels comfortable for both of you. Not only will this be helpful in reducing emotional anxieties, but it will also allow you to be present and aware of the physical experience.
Just like how most individuals would not jump into an intense cardio workout without first warming up, couples should also prioritize giving space and time for each other’s bodies to naturally warm up. Women in particular, need time and stimulation to begin the lubrication process before engaging in penetrative sex, as it will help prevent potential pain or discomfort.
However, it is important to note that natural lubrication may be insufficient for some women, so additional lubricant may be needed to help enhance a couples’ enjoyment and alleviate potential discomfort during intercourse. If there is any pain or discomfort, the couple should slow down, communicate, and possibly check in with a health care provider, to avoid silent suffering.
Power of the mind
Some people are skeptical about the power of the mind. They may be thinking, “Well that’s not true. I’ve heard that sex hurts initially, but with time it improves.” Unfortunately, this advice even if well intentioned, is extremely damaging.
Studies show that 80% of sex occurs in the brain, meaning that if every time you have sex moving forward, it is painful, immediately your brain will remember the pain experienced from previous intercourse and will anticipate it. And as your body anticipates this pain, your body will then tighten and prepare itself for the same pain. This is not how sex should be. Sex should be pleasurable, exciting, and fun for both partners- whether you are experienced, or it is your first time. In contrast, if both you and your partner feel at ease and are excited, your muscles are likely to relax, allowing for a more enjoyable sexual experience.
Arousal thresholds
So, if 80% of sex occurs in the brain, how do you ignite arousal? This will look different for every couple but will most likely mirror the early stages of your engagement. Perhaps, it looks like cuddling or maybe it looks like kissing and making out in the car like you used to. Maybe it is everything you did before, but taking it one step further, crossing a boundary that was once there. However, it’s also important to recognize that, though arousal can be as simple as seeing your partner naked, both men and women have different arousal patterns and thresholds.
In fact, statistics show that on average men take 5-7 minutes to orgasm, whereas women may take more than 20 minutes. Understanding this information can help you and your partner make intentional decisions to better align your arousal thresholds, so that you can both receive pleasure and climax. This might look like a man mastering his breath to elevate arousal, ultimately allowing his partner the opportunity to reach a higher level of arousal and or orgasm. However, this does not necessarily mean orgasming at the same time, but making sure that each partner is satisfied.
In addition to understanding each other’s arousal patterns and threshold, it is also important to understand the physical anatomy of both male and female. For example, the role that the clitoris holds in female sexual stimulation, as studies indicate it as a key factor in orgasm. Overall, as you and your partner understand each other’s bodies and sexual functions, it will enhance your ability to give and receive pleasure. Ultimately echoing Chelom’s thoughts that, “the best types of relationships are other centered.”
References
Busby, D. M., , Leavitt, C. E. & Carroll, J. S. (2022). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages.
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Willoughby, B. J. (2010). Compatibility or restraint? The effects of sexual timing on marriage relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(6), 766.
Kontula, O., & Miettinen, A. (2016). Determinants of female sexual orgasms. Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, 6, 31624.
Leavitt, C. E., Leonhardt, N. D., & Busby, D. M. (2019b). Different ways to get there: Evidence of a variable female sexual response cycle. The Journal of Sex Research, 1-14. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1616278
Meston, C. M., Levin, R. J., Sipski, M. L., Hull, E., & Heiman, J. R. (2004). Women’s orgasm. Annual Review of Sex Research 15, 174–257.
Mintz, L. (2017). Becoming cliterate: Why orgasm equality matters–and how to get it. HarperOne.
Kayla Thomas is from Yarmouth, Maine and is currently studying Family Life at Brigham Young University. She graduates in April 2024, with her husband, and together they plan to pursue graduate school and a family. She loves floral design, cooking, painting, and playing tennis but has a passion for wedding planning and pre-marital therapy.